Archive for March, 2009|Monthly archive page

126th Ask Josh – Most Influential People

In Uncategorized on March 29, 2009 at 12:25 pm

Question: Who are your top 50 people? I want you to compile a list of your favorite 50 people in order from 1 to 50 and then explain why these 50 people are your favorite.
Dear Anonymous/Derek,
This is worse than winning an Emmy/Tony/Grammy/Oscar/Golden Globe/Screen Actors Guild Award/Nobel Prize or any kind of award. If you fail to acknowledge someone at any of those you have the excuse of saying, "Well, I wanted to mention you, but they started playing the music and started pushing me off stage." That works. There is no excuse for this one if I leave somebody out. 
Since picking favorites is so overrated anyway, and in matters of taste mine is not really one to be imitated anyway, I hope you'll be satisfied by the top 50 most influential people in my life. How about that?
The top 50 most influential people in Josh Guest's life (that does not make them the favorites). And Derek, you are automatically disqualified from the list because you asked the question, but your band is in there.
Movie Industry
50. Audrey Hepburn – beautiful, talented, looks like and loved by AllLindsay .
49. Sylvester Stallone – Thanks for the Rocky's, Sly.
48. Kenneth Branagh – I love all his work with Shakespeare, especially in Much Ado About Nothing. And his speech on Henry V echoed through all my mission and all my life since then.
47. James Earl Jones – Star Wars, Sandlot, Dr. Strangelove… stellar. I also love that he read the entire Bible outloud for all to hear.
46. Jimmy Stewart – It's A Wonderful Life, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, also reminds me of my grandpa.
45. Roberto Benigni – Life is Beautiful. He made me see the potential for humor in every situation.
44. Woody Allen – Zelig, Broadway Danny Rose, Annie Hall, Hollywood Ending, Small Time Crooks, the man is a genius.
43. Joel and Ethan Coen – O Brother Where Art Thou, Raising Arizona, Hudsucker Proxy. They taught me that a joke can be uproariously funny even if most people don't get it.
42. Gene Kelly – He can dance, he can sing (in the rain, no less). "Dignity. Always dignity."
41. Rodgers and Hammerstein – Oklahoma, Sound of Music, Cinderella. So many great musicals. Love these guys.
40. Bob Dylan – Don't Think Twice, It's Alright. To Make You Feel My Love. Girl From the North Country.
39. Bob Seger – Against the Wind. Night Moves. We've Got Tonight. Like a Rock.
38. Michael Jackson – Love his work with the Jackson 5. Thriller. The moonwalk. His dancing is great. Now a hiss and a byword for his personal life, his musical career remains legendary.
37. Jim Steinman – So much emotion and poetry put to song.
36. Neil Diamond – Doesn't seem to mind that some of his music doesn't make any sense.
35. Paul Simon – known to be the most intelligent songwriter alive.
34. Johnny Cash – gritty, raw, the man in black.
33. Elvis Presley – What can I say? He's the king.
32. Cat Stevens – while his song Father and Son doesn't really describe the relationship with my father, I found it interesting that both my father and I listened to this song over and over again as young men.
31. Those boys of Broken Hearted Rounds – Derek, John, and Nat. Love them forever. Like them for always. And they physically move me.
30. Sam Kinison – "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" 
29. Jimmy Fallon – "Star Wars" 
28. Bob Newhart –  "Superman ", Sir Walter Raleigh, many others.
27. Eddie Murphy – Disguised as a White Man. James Brown.
25. Paula Poundstone – Cats, Cops, and Stuff. 
24. Demetri Martin – Jokes with Guitar. 
23. George Carlin – Baseball v. Football 
22. Bill Cosby – Dentists . Beatings. Jeffery . Brain Damage . Natural Child Birth . 
21. Jerry Seinfeld – "I'm Telling You For the Last Time " 
20. Shel Silverstein – The Giving Tree . Sara Cynthia Sylvia Stout . Wrote Johnny Cash's Boy Named Sue .
19. Edgar A. Guest – "It takes a Heap O' Livin' in a house to make it home."
18. Gordon B. Hinckley – Made me want to stay a journalist after seeing it wasn't all I thought it would be. Made me want to get all the education I can. Showed me how to use self-deprecating humor. Will always think of him as "my prophet."
17. Winston Churchill – "I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and sweat."

"We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us many, many long months of struggle and of suffering. You ask what is our policy? I will say: It is to wage war, by sea, land, and air, with all our might and with all our strength that God can give us. . . .That is our policy. You ask, What is our aim? I can answer in one word: Victory–victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror; victory, however long and hard the road may be."

"We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender."

16. Abraham Lincoln – "The result is not doubtful. We shall not fail; if we stand firm, we shall not fail. Wise counsels may accelerate, or mistakes delay it, but sooner or later, the victory is sure to come."
15. Jeffrey R. Holland – I listen to his talks over and over again. I buy all his books when I find them used. Whenever I write a talk, I seek to care about my topic as much as he does, to care about the individuals listening as much as he does. His conviction, his command of the English language, his love of the Gospel. 
14. Dave Barry – Made me want to become a humorous writer. Inspired me to pursue journalism.
13. William Shakespeare – I have read more of his works than I have of any other author. I seek opportunities to quote him as much as I can.
12. Neal A. Maxwell – The perfect balance of humility and eloquence. 
11. C.S. Lewis – The great bridge-builder between logic and faith.
10. Nat/John/Derek/Zack/Dane/Casey/Bryce/Jeremy/John – How can I be expected to categorize these guys and rank them? I can't help but feel that the Lord arranged to have them all put in the same place just so He could get me through college. Nat thinks it through. John C. laughs and loves unconditionally. Derek works his butt off for his family now and the future family he has yet to meet. Zack speaks the truth in earnest, for better or for worse. Dane bears a testimony that makes the earth shake. Casey works through times, however tough, loves his wife, works his hardest. Bryce fights on, always joking. Jeremy is preparing to be translated, as he floats from the bunk bed beneath me I hope he gets stuck carrying me on his way up, John B. epitomizes coolness and sharing.
9. Michael & Lauren Schreiner – the only shoulders I've ever cried on. My therapists. The best missionaries I know. Thoroughly good people. Hard-working, compassionate, good-natured people. I love them so very much.
8. Allison Stewart Phair – One of my best friends in high school. Inspired me to play sports, act, attend seminary, sing, get involved in student government and other clubs, study hard in school. A real inspiration. 
7. Allison Marquitta Hawkins – My first love. My role model as a missionary. Writes letters better than anyone I know. A friend of mine just asked me if he could ask her out. I told him in so many words, "Allison Hawkins is the finest person I have ever met." So she is.
6. Lindsay Evans – My fashion consultant, my sharpest critic, my arch-nemesis, my confidant, my home away from home, the one I always miss.
5. Billy/Jenny/Andrew/Jacob/Katie Guest – Once again, it's hard to say which has had the most influence. 
Billy did all the right things as an eldest brother should do. He did seminary, he did sports, he got his Eagle Scout, he went to college, went on a mission, got married in the temple to wonderful Bekah, had kids. He did it all, and he did it in his own way, in his own time.
Jenny is hilarious. She refuses to admit she's wrong. She loves her family. She especially watches out for us brothers. Brought hilarious Tyler into our troop of brothers. Unafraid to call out nonsense when she sees it.
Andy wins in the sibling category. He shared a room with me for 8 tumultuous years. My fiercest competitor. My best friend. Because of Andy, all my interactions with other human beings are never difficult nor surprising, merely review.
Jacob… destined for great things. Comes as close to perfection as a 16-year-old can get. 
Katie, the anchor in our relay race of "alpha children." Always softens my heart. Little sisters are the best.
4. Joseph Smith – "Joseph Smith, the Prophet and Seer of the Lord, has done more, save Jesus only, for the salvation of men in this world, than any other man that ever lived in it. In the short space of twenty years, he has brought forth the Book of Mormon, which he translated by the gift and power of God, and has been the means of publishing it on two continents; has sent the fulness of the everlasting gospel, which it contained, to the four quarters of the earth; has brought forth the revelations and commandments which compose [the] book of Doctrine and Covenants, and many other wise documents and instructions for the benefit of the children of men." – John Taylor
3/2. Bill and Sue Guest – Two fine people. Taught me to pray. Taught me to work. Taught me to play. Taught me to put family first. Taught me the need to get an education. Taught me the gospel. Taught me to be well-rounded. Taught me the scriptures. Taught me to do what was right. Taught me not to hit. Taught me not to make fun of others. Taught me to love my enemies. Taught me to turn the other cheek. Taught me to reach out to those who are shy or lonely. Taught me to be a gentleman. Taught me to appreciate the stars, nature, inspiring literature, classic movies, fine music. Taught me to be smart with money. Taught me how to serve others. Taught me respect for my spouse. Taught me sacrifice. Taught me priorities. Taught me responsibility and accountability. Taught me perseverance, commitment, endurance. Taught me faith. Encouraged, supported, and coached me through so many activities. I love them more than I have time to tell them or to type publicly. The best people I know.
1. Jesus Christ – Wonderful, Counselor, the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace. He has borne my griefs, carried my sorrows, was wounded for my transgressions, was bruised for my iniquities. The chastisement of my peace was upon him; and with his stripes I am healed. Because he lives, I shall live with all those wonderful people I love. Perfect.


Unicycle Story

In Uncategorized on March 27, 2009 at 2:51 pm

125th Ask Josh – Fish in the Sea

In Uncategorized on March 26, 2009 at 7:19 am

marisalisa said…

josh i’m pretty sure i’m your soul mate but we’ll talk about that later. 

so this one time you were talking about the alpha male and the beta male and i said something about eating all the other fish and i asked if you would blog about it. so… will you blog about it?


Dear Marisa,

You know why we might be soulmates? It’s because you gave me a yes or no question. These are always easy.

No, I would not blog about beta fish unless asked to.

But here are a list of some good “there are plenty of fish in the sea” jokes. Note: These are not all original, most are plagiarized.

Just imagine these after saying, “There are plenty of fish in the sea…”

“…the problem is you don’t have any bait.”
“…but I hate fishing.”
“…the problem is that you’re a sea cow.”
“…but you’re nowhere near that sea.”
“…which must make it hurt all the more to know that none of them like you.”
“…and yours has likely been deformed by industrial dumping.”
“…but most of them would rather cheat on you with other fish.”
“…you’re just not much of a hooker.”
“…and you’re scaring them all away.”
“…but yours was canned and labeled ‘chicken’ a long time ago.”
“…but yours died in the war in heaven.”
“…but you’re just too much of a New Jersey fish, Zack.”
“…but Casey is taken and is already spawning.”
“…and they all stink.”
“…but you’re casting the wrong way.”
“…but you’re on the wrong side of the boat. And you stink.”
“…but you’re using the same can of bait your dad used back in 1969 [Thanks, Nat].”
“…but yours are all giving up on men and going on missions.”
“…but you let your mother make all your decisions for you.”
“…but I don’t even know how your parents were able to find each other, but the chances of that happening to you are like one in 3-billion.”
“…but they all have commitment issues.”
“…but you text all the time.”
“…but none of them are going to call you back.”
“…but you’re going on a mission.”
“…but they all think they’re marrying The Little Mermaid.”
“…and none of them care that you’re going to chiropractic school.”
“…but they swim away when you swear at sporting events, Bryce.”
“…and all the ones that like Neil Diamond are too old.”
“…but the only way you’d get one is if it were trapped in the same bowl with you.”
“…maybe if more of them were suckers…”
“…and they don’t like anything like the ones in National Geographic.”
“…the yellow one is the sun. The yellow one is the sun.”
“…you moron.
“…didn’t you see The Perfect Storm? Hello!”
“…but you ride a unicycle to school.”
“…but you’re swimming in the wrong school [for all you UVU kids out there].”
“…but you have to swim upstream.”
“…but you’re a psychology major.”



124th Ask Josh –

In Uncategorized on March 23, 2009 at 9:03 pm

I am fairly psychotic. I am spontaneous, oftentimes blunt, and usually cross the line. And sometimes I like to kiss boys in my apartment. After midnight.

Once upon a time… a friend of mine wants to live me this year but I am CONVINCED she would hate my guts forever, look down on me, judge me (albeit righteously) and inevitably come to despise me. On the other hand, she is quite lonely here and I'm pretty sure if I find some excuse not to live with her, I will go to Hell. 

My question: Am I already going to Hell as it is for breaking curfew and kissing boys? Should I spare her the year of torture living with me and encourage her to find somewhere else if I'm already banished to fire and brimstone? Should I explain to her that it would turn out to be an awkward year because of all of my flaws and all of her perfections?

Dear Crossroads,
Are you going to Hell for kissing boys after midnight in your apartment?  
Well, that all depends. There's no law against that if you aren't going to BYU. And you may kiss boys in your apartment after midnight on a Friday night if you are a BYU student.  So if you are going to Hell, it is probably for another reason. 
Should you spare your roommate a year of torture living with you and encourage her to find somewhere else?
All that really matters is if it's close to campus, rent is cheap, utilities are included, and cleaning checks are lenient to non-existent. If those conditions are present you can live with anyone. Just ask my roommate.
Should you explain to her that it would turn out to be an awkward year because of all your flaws and all of her perfections?
I want to hear her side of this. If she's willing to put up with your shenanigans it might do you both some good to stay together for another year. She might not ever serve a mission and have one of "those" companions, but if you're as much of a pain as you say you are, it might have the same effect, and she will give talks about you forevermore. Based on how you described it, she's kind of a loser and you're kind of a floozy. So maybe you can work that into some kind of a funny sitcom-like situation like, "Fast times with Loser and Floozer" or something like that.

123rd Ask Josh – Moving On

In Uncategorized on March 23, 2009 at 7:29 pm

Anonymous said…

Dear Josh,
If I just broke up with my boyfriend is it okay to go on a date with someone else two days later? Or is that mean? :S

Dear Anonymous,

Your boyfriend isn't your boyfriend. So he is no longer a stakeholder in your dating life. His feelings about your dating life are none of your business.  Your dating life is none of his. The person most likely to be affected negatively by your sudden change of social pace will be the man who takes you out just two days after your breakup, aka "The Rebound." Isn't he the one you're really being mean to? You may not think it is a problem, you may even deny the alleged problem exists, but the new guy has to hear you go on and on about how, "I just got out of a relationship…". I'm sorry, but that's mean. It stinks to be The Rebound.

While your concern for your ex-boyfriend's feelings is admirable, you should not feel compelled to change your course. It may show a lack of tact to walk around with your new dates in places where you know your ex-boyfriend will likely be present, but even this is not classifiably wrong.  In fact, he may be flattered if he interprets it as an attempt on your part to make him jealous.

Just don't let your girly whims give The Rebound the wrong idea when you're really just looking for a good time.



P.S. I'll be over in just a second.

122nd Ask Josh – Soulmates

In Uncategorized on March 21, 2009 at 4:52 pm

Axey said…

Do you believe in soulmates?
Dear Axey, 
Now, you must know that the idea that there is a single person out there whose soul matches mine is an absurd thought.  Any frustrated Mormon single has mulled over the words of President Spencer W. Kimball:
Now, I know you would be disappointed if 
I merely left it at that, especially if you have ever heard me at any kind of a Church social function screaming out, “hey! Who here is lookin’ for their SOOOOOUL MATE?”
Do I have a soul mate? Well, no. While in the MTC our district had this ongoing joke that this one sister missionary was my soul mate. I had never spoken to he
r and I was not entertaining any idea of looking for any romance or even any friendship with the sister missionaries I came in contact with. Yet, for morale’s sake, I let the joke continue. So whenever we saw the sister in the MTC we would point her out and say quietly, “There’s Elder Guest’s soulmate.”
Well, I went on my mission, came back after two wonderful years. I returned to school. One day while walking outside the library I saw the same sister, Hermana Green I think her name was, walking around as well. Of course I didn’t talk to her because no good conversation ever starts with, “You are my soulmate, I knew it from the first time I saw you on my mission.” So I said nothing. I have since seen her maybe two or three times with the same results: I say nothing and walk on.
Well, it seems I can’t get her out of my life. I was at work the other day walking to the post office to drop off a letter and guess who I see on a poster advertising the Accounting program to BYU females:

Yep. That’s my soulmate, the poster girl for BYU Accounting. I don’t know anything about her. I don’t even know her name. And the less she knows about me and my one-way love story with her, so much the better.

121st Ask Josh – Loving Josh

In Uncategorized on March 19, 2009 at 8:47 pm

Anonymous said…

do you love yourself…?
Dear Anonymous,
You bet I do. I get along with me better than anyone. I am my favorite subject to blog about. I love seeing my face in the morning without makeup. I love the way I look in a swimming suit. I love how I always know just what to say. I always make me laugh. I love how I keep my priorities straight. I love going to Church with me. I love taking myself out for ice cream, and I love giving myself a nice foot rub after a long day. I can't remember the last time I ever went to bed or even to nap without me being there. I love my taste in movies, books, music. I get along great with me. I am perfectly fine with hanging out with me for the rest of my life.
I know me myself is not perfect, but myself knows that I am not perfect either, so we help each other out and we get along just fine. Arguments with me are never taken personally, and I always admit when I am wrong, making it easier to call me out whenever I am acting up.
I never buy myself flowers, but I know that sometimes the time I give me is more important than things anyway. I never have to worry about whether I'll have time to lend myself an ear. My ear is constantly there for me to hear me when I need to talk to me.
I don't know that I snore, but if I do, I'm okay with that, and I know that I am still accepting of myself for talking in my sleep. I never wake me up by talking, so I always get a  good night's rest with me.
I and me are always inseparable when either of us wants to go out and socialize, and even if I want to be alone, I couldn't imagine my alone time being of any benefit without me being there.
Whenever I go out on dates, I am right there with me to coach me along, to tell me how to be a gentleman, how to be charming and what not. If it weren't for me being there, every date I ever went on would be no date at all.
Yes, Anonymous, I love me, and oh what a feeling it is to be in love with and be loved by someone whom I admire so much, I seek to emulate so often, and hope to be like when I grow up.

120th Ask Josh – What scares Josh?

In Uncategorized on March 18, 2009 at 6:19 am

mmmm josh,

what are you most afraid of/
Dear person,
I used to be most afraid that my shift keys would both die out on my computer, then I would have to type like you. I suppose I would still be able to capitalize by hitting caps lock, typing the individual letter, then undoing caps lock. But I would still have to end all my questions with a slash ‘/’ as you have done.  You apparently have been able to survive in your present condition and thrive enough to find the time to ask me something. So we can throw that fear out.
What scares me most?  I will tell you. Two things:
1. When in the middle of the night you are walking around in the kitchen and you turn on the light and it turns out you accidentally hit the switch to the garbage disposal. Man, that sudden roar of mechanical voracity always sets me afright.
2. Whenever I am enjoying peace and quiet at my computer and then I click what I think is a regular blog and then suddenly music comes on. It has the exact same effect as the garbage disposal in the night. Pardon me, but when I hear Regina Spektor when I least exSpekt it… it scares the living, dying, and barely surviving daylights, nightlights, and twilights  out of me.
3. Regina Spektor
Okay, so maybe that’s more like three things. But still, the list wouldn’t be complete if she wasn’t up there. She’s like a living boogey-woman.

119th Ask Josh – Getting Lindsay Back

In Uncategorized on March 11, 2009 at 9:49 pm

The Captain said…

Josh, what do you think you need to do to get Lindsay back reading you blog?


Dear Captain,

I have to answer questions straightforwardly and truthfully. Lindsay hates the "non-answer." You know what I'm talking about:

Question: "What's the meaning of life?"
Ask Josh: "The characteristic that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects"

Question: "Where are the chips?"
Ask Josh: "Right next to the other chips in the same bag labeled 'chips'."

Question: "Where is the store?"
Ask Josh: "Right behind the sign that says 'store.'"

Question: "Can you see the problem with the world?"
Ask Josh: "I don't know. Ask them. Allow me to translate your question into ewe language so they understand it: Baa baa baa, baa baa baa baa."

As long as I avoid saying straight answers, Lindsay will get increasingly more frustrated with my blog.

Even when I do make a serious attempt at the correct answer, I often miss the mark. Also frustrating for Lindsay. For example:

Lindsay asks: "Do you miss me?"
Lindsay wants to hear: "I miss you so much I… [and if I knew how to complete that sentence we wouldn't be having this conversation now, would we, Captain?]."
Lindsay would even settle for: "I can't stand it any longer. I'm on my way to Sunnyvale right now."
Josh wants to say: "If I don't see you soon, I'll probably die. Really, please get back to Provo now."
Josh is tempted to say: "Miss you? I didn't know I was aiming at you."
Josh actually says: "Yes."

At the end of the day, all I really need to do to get Lindsay to start reading my blog again is to start typing inane comments on her blog posts. It riles her all up. I love that.



118th Ask Josh – What Josh Thinks

In Uncategorized on March 10, 2009 at 11:51 pm

The Captain said…

Dear Josh,

I saw a girl wearing a backpack that had poodles and monster truck on it. I’ve been trying to figure out how those are related but I can’t. What do you think?

Dear Captain,

I think Take 5 candy bars are delicious.
I think Big Hunk candy bars are among the worst confections currently plaguing our planet.
I think it is important to read classic books and watch classic movies.
I think most classic movies and books are highly overrated.
I think the students at BYU criticize BYUSA because it is hip and they don’t know what BYUSA’s real role is.
I think BYUSA plays the victim because they want to receive praise during their time in the public eye yet they don’t want to receive the criticism that comes with it.
I think green bananas are better than black bananas.
I think whole milk is delicious and that the prevention of prostate cancer by drinking whole milk is not just the result of a placebo effect..
I think that it is worth it to me to not clean my apartment every morning and forfeit the $10 a month discount to be a show apartment.
I think NutriGrain bars are disgusting.
I think that my judgment is unjustifiably called into question because I am just so darn funny.
I think law school will be a great chance for me to use my talents.
I think Teach For America could be fun.
I think these hospital scrubs I am wearing are very comfortable.
I think I should eat more Chinese food.
I think Organizational Behavior is a poorly organized independent study course.
I think people should stick to their commitments.
I think that quitters have to learn to quit quitting.
I think people should learn to love living right where they are.
I think it is okay to jaywalk.
I think my apartment smells fine.
I think the Louisiana Purchase was long enough ago that we can stop talking about it now.
I think woozle wozzle.
I think I may have trouble getting my contacts prescription renewed this summer on account of my not being in Klamath Falls.
I think it is important that I take responsibility for myself.
I think it is important for others to take responsibility for themselves.
I think it is a good idea to have prison inmates start working to pay their way through their stay.
I think buying in bulk is not a very good idea for produce and dairy if you are the only one eating the groceries you buy.
I think it is better to order water rather than soda when in a restaurant.
I think tomorrow is going to be a fine day indeed.
I think the script of O Brother Where Art Thou stands alone as a work of literary genius.
I think the BYU Honors program should give me credit just for being me.
I think Lindsay is overly critical of my answers.
I think Rudyard Kipling’s poem If is fantastic.
I think it is time for me to get to bed.
I think whining only makes things worse.
I think I have an internal locus of control.
I think I’m happy.
I think Mark Twain’s Pudd’nhead Wilson is real funny.
I think my sister Jenny is better equipped to be a journalist than I am.
I think Demetri Martin is hilarious.
I think Johnny Cash sounds better in his later years.
I think my socks are in fine shape.
I think Hootie & the Blowfish is a terrible band name.
I think too many musicians have done covers of John Lennon’s “Imagine.”
I think everyone should wash their hands more often than they do.
I think Percival is a fine name for an automobile.
I think I should have never written this.
I think we are a generation of non-thinkers.
I, like M. Russell Ballard, think that thinking is the hardest work.
I think everyone on American Idol is starting to sound exactly the same.
I think the solution is to get new judges.
I think that if you always have the same judges, you will always have the same contestants advance to the next round.
I think I’m all out of thoughts.
I think that the solution to most of our problems is a lot of work.
I think you’re over at La Jolla 15 right now, aren’t you?

I’m all thought out. Time for bed.