joshguessed

Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

176th Ask Josh – Pt. 2 – If Not For Utah

In Uncategorized on September 2, 2011 at 10:58 am

Brooke asked as a followup to the last post:

“What do you dislike about Utah [if anything]?”

………….

Dear Brooke,

I just told you all about what I like in Utah. It’s not easy to find negative things when I just spent all my time seeking the good in Utah. You know what is much easier: talking about what I dislike about U2. Since I don’t follow U2, here are some funny things people have said about why they don’t like U2:

  • Pretentious
  • Bloated music
  • Overbearing
  • Derivative
  • Their fans
  • This funny post where Maddox lists the 11 worst songs of 2004 and they are all from U2’s latest album at that time.
Oh my goodness, I am so bored hating on U2. I can’t waste any more time on it. Back to your question after this little vid (maybe jump to 1:25 to get to the fun part):


As for things I dislike about Utah, I am going to crowdsource that one, too:

  • Snow – Troy S.
  • Mormons – Also Troy
  • Logan – Brian N.
  • Logan drivers – Tyler M.
  • Wintertime inversion – Tyler again
  • “Don’t quote me on the Mormons.” – Troy again
  • “That’s a very general question.” – Erin W.
  • “Going back home costs me $2500.” – Vandita R.
  • “Everyone wears shorts to class.” – Vandita again
  • “I have no idea.” – Reece I.
  • “When there is a thunderstorm, everybody freaks out.” – Ryan S.
  • “Everyone likes to talk about how Utah has the highest per capita use of anti-depressants.” – Me, I don’t like that. Get over it, people. It does not mean that Mormons have a tendency to be depressed.
  • “The drivers”
  • “All the Mormons” – Ryan X.
  • “There is nothing to do if you aren’t with a date or FHE group.” – Rebecca K.
  • “Lack of diversity… of people, ideas, everything.” – Shaun B.
  • “Supposedly Christlike people won’t let you merge.” – Christopher X.
  • “The fact that plastic surgery is a growth industry here. Where are all these burn victims coming from? If it’s not burn victims, then think of the sheer number of Utahns getting a downgrade in the resurrection.” – Clay J.
  • “The stinky Salt Lake” – Clay again
  • “The stinky Utah Lake” – Clay yet again
  • “Male music majors” – still Clay
  • “Artsy engagement photos where the couple stands up straight, looks at the camera straight on, arms hanging at their sides, no contact at all. They look like they’re posing for a body scan at airport security. Ironically, these people are often the most outspoken critics of Utah.” – Clay… come on, man.





















  • “High School Musical fans who consider East High as their Mecca.” – Clay really has a lot to say on the subject
  • “Utah State fans” – Yep, Clay
  • “I can’t find any place to eat in Salt Lake other than Red Rock and Olive Garden.” – Clay has issues finding places to eat in Salt Lake
  • “Summer salesmen.” – Clay also can’t sell
  • “Multi-level marketing.” – Clay still sore about putting money upfront to join an MLM and then making no money off of it.
  • “Miracle juice that costs $200 a bottle.” – Haters gonna hate
  • “People who live in Utah but can’t stop griping about how much they hate living in Utah.” – Me. Also Clay. I’m Clay.
  • “The Spice Girls did a music video here.” – Clay is right.


When I Google “Why is Utah…” the results come back like this:

  • Why is Utah the beehive state
  • Why is Utah so weird
  • Why is Utah called the beehive state
  • Why is Utah the most depressed state (Me: “Grrrrrr”)
  • Why is Utah the most stressed state
When I Google “Utah is” I get these results:
  • Utah islamic center
  • Utah issues
  • [insert various nonsense here]
When I add a space after “Utah is”, I get:
  • Utah is boring
  • Utah is famous for
  • Utah is the worst state
  • Utah is in what time zone
  • Utah is crazy
There you have it. Some things that are not liked in Utah.


Readers, since I’m feeling generous today, and because I don’t want to end the blog on such a negative topic, I will tack this onto the last wish. So you still have one wish remaining. What is the best thing to wish for?


Love,


Josh












176th Ask Josh – Do You Like Utah

In Uncategorized on September 1, 2011 at 11:13 pm

Brooke asked:

Do you like Utah?
….
Dear Brooke,
Yes. I like Utah.
Some things I like about Utah:
  • BYU football
  • J Dawgs
  • All my homies in the JRCLS
  • T-shirts that carry the likeness of Norm Nemrow and Cecil O. Samuelson
  • Student entrepreneurship projects like Sno-Shack and Flirty Aprons
  • Infinity frozen dessert shops
  • Deseret Industries
  • Bryce Canyon
  • Wasatch Mountains
  • B-Money
  • Temple Square
  • Jimmermania
  • Harold B. Lee Library
  • Thai restaurants on every corner
  • Two-hour long lines at Olive Garden on Friday nights
  • Sam Weller Bookstore
On an unrelated note, Mission: Impossible 2 is so ridiculous, I felt like I was watching Knight & Day.
The more I think about M:I 2, the less I am able to think. This is really just filled with utter tripe. Which is too bad because I really liked the first and third movies. I am just now getting around to watching #2 and it is something awful. Susan and I are waiting for Tom Cruise to jump his motorcycle into a helicopter. He just made a car roll over three times by whipping his arm around 270 degrees and shooting it with a pistol. The bad guys pursuing him are swerving all over the road for no good reason. Now he just killed a car full of bad guys by making a cloud of smoke with his spinning motorcycle wheel.
Okay, more things I like about Utah:
  • Dollar movie theaters
  • Frisbee golf courses
Hold on, Tom Cruise is sliding his bike under a car. He almost cut a guy’s head off with his motorcycle tire. Instead he through his flaming motorcycle away before jumping into his enemy’s arms in a mid-air high-speed chest bump, subsequently causing him to fall off a cliff, where they wrestled in the sand for a bit. He just stopped a knife from entering his eyeball.
  • The Jazz
  • The Saltair
  • Eight-lane freeways on their way
  • Sundance Film Festival
  • “The Greatest Snow on Earth”
Nuts, the DVD is skipping. Tom Cruise now has the knife. he threw it in the sand and killed the knife-wielding bad guy with his ankle. I am not making this up. I wish I was. He really looks like a girl with his long hair. Both he and his foe have delivered at least 10 death blows to each other. He finally died.
  • Rachael Ray’s vacation spot
  • Robert Redford
  • The fact that Dumb & Dumber was filmed here.
  • The fact that Footloose was filmed here, too.
  • Antimony, population 122
The bad guy is still not dead! And now he’s got a gun! And he’s telling Tom Cruise that he should have killed him. Tom Cruise just kicked a pistol out of the sand and fired and killed the bad guy as the bad guy was shooting Tom Cruise.
  • Adobe, EBay, Omniture… We’re turning into the next Silicon Valley
  • Park City
  • Olympic Village
Susan just pointed out to me that no virus syrup is ever red, and no antidote is ever green. Yet this is precisely the source of all Tom Cruise’s ado.
  • America’s #2 Best Burger City
  • Crown Burger
  • The Saturday evening rush at Wal-Mart
  • Jewelry stores that sell to college students and still remain in business.
  • Clark Planetarium
Tom Cruise just told Anthony Hopkins that he wiped out all the virus “by fire.” It’s time to end this. Tom Cruise is kissing Thandie Newton. Doesn’t he know that she has some crazy communicable disease?
In conclusion: I like Utah. I do not like M:I 2.
Love,
Josh
p.s. Readers, that’s two wishes you have used up. Choose your last wish wisely.

175th Ask Josh – Ridiculous Chinchilla Stupidity

In Uncategorized on September 1, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Dear Readers,

None of you have made any last requests before I shut down this blog. So I’m going to revisit some old questions I neglected to answer.
Jeff Anderson asked:
“I have a question for you- how many chinchillas fit into a bathtub??”
………….


Dear Jeff,


This is a ridiculous question. One that I don’t have time to look up. Lucky for you. My intern, Lauren Hunt, has graciously done some of the heavy lifting on this bologna question of yours. Lauren tells me that one chinchilla fits in a wine glass.




A wine glass is about 0.2 liters in volume. Since little tiny toy bathtubs may be smaller than 0.2 liters then we can say that a bathtub may potentially fit zero chinchillas in it.


The world’s largest bathtub, on the other hand may fit many chinchillas. According to YouTube, the world’s largest bathtub is 25′ x 12′ x 72′. That comes to 21,600 cubic feet. You may argue that it’s really just a pool and that the guy who made it called it a tub because he was a pervball who wanted all who entered the pool to do so in a naked bathtub-like fashion. In any case, 21,600 cubic feet is the equivalent of 28.3168466 liters. Meaning that the nasty perv pool/bathtub holds 611,643.887 liters, or 3,058,219 chinchillas. Which is approximately 3060 times the population of chinchillas remaining in the world.


There, you see? You just wasted your first wish. I will grant two more wishes and then the blog is done. Choose your wishes wisely.


Love,


Ask Josh


p.s. Here is the video of the world’s largest bathtub. Cheers.




174th Ask Josh – The End of an Era

In Uncategorized on August 23, 2011 at 10:17 pm

Dear Readers,

I just began business school this last week and one of my orientation classes discussed my brand on the Internet. While I do not regret nor do I take back anything previously written on this blog I must concede that my brand does leave much to be desired in terms of a professional presence.

Though it pains me to announce it, I must bring this blog to a close. The real world of business must never know about my numerous sordid dances, my pontifications regarding dating, tales of former lovers (mine and yours), and my open hostility to capri pants shared with Senator Hatch even though I was registered to vote in Oregon.

Consider this my two weeks notice.

I hereby commit to answer 3 more questions. Call it my last blog’s bequeathal, my granting of three wishes, or whatever you want to call it. I will write 3 more answers and/or grant 3 wishes. You the readers may submit your new questions, ask me to re-answer an old question, or remind me to dig up and answer a forgotten question you submitted yet went unanswered. True to my word, I will field any question or fulfill any request I am capable of taking on.

Please Tweet any questions or requests you may have towards @JoshGuessed or put the hashtag #AskJosh by August 31, 2011. Then we’ll vote; I’ll write; and then I’ll go. Choose wisely, for I will only grant thee these wishes three.

Love Always,

Josh

173rd Ask Josh – Remi-missing?

In Uncategorized on August 10, 2011 at 11:15 pm

Anna Carrera of Channel 9 ABC in Wisconsin asked:

“dear Josh Guest. what do you miss most about 150 BRMB? from anna.”
Note to Readers: 150 BRMB refers to the newsroom in the Brimhall Building at BYU where I used to participate on the BYU Daily News in capacities that included reporter, anchor, producer, weatherman, assignment editor, tape editor.
Dear Anna,
You should know that I am not one to sit and reminisce about the good old times. And I really don’t miss much anymore because I have something either bigger or better to keep me distracted, thus leaving me without any emotional need to long for the old times.
But, I must say… I really loved improvising jokes. My favorite joke, which never hit airwaves, was in response to a story about a horse that held a paintbrush in its mouth. As soon as the camera cut back to me at the anchor’s desk I said, “And I thought they were only good for making glue.” I didn’t think it was that funny of a joke, but I could hear the uproarious laughter all the way from the director’s booth. I always miss telling the jokes. I always miss the laughter, and I get addicted to the attention. It is never enough to be able to sit on my haunches humorwise. As it is in the newsroom, so it is in humor: you’re only as good as your last joke.

One of my other favorite jokes was in response to the birthday of the Greek basketball legend Lazaros Papadopoulos. Since it was raining that day I said to watch out because it was “papadopouling” outside. The producers didn’t like that joke. Sometimes I tell the jokes just for me.
Here is a video of the rain-maker himself, papadopouling all over the court:
One other joke I kind of got in trouble for: making light of devastating tornadoes throughout Missouri, saying that the weather down there was “Missouri-able.” Here is one thing I don’t miss: Looking like a doofus who is speaking unintelligibly. Although I must say: I am working those suspenders.
I guess that a question like this isn’t quite as sexy and grabby as some readers may like. But true to my commitment to you, I answered it. And that gave me just one more superb day.
Love,
Josh
p.s. Here is one last video that may give you a kick of inspiration today. The crux of it: try something new for 30 days. It will boost your confidence, and you will learn something new.

172nd Ask Josh – My Superb System

In Uncategorized on August 8, 2011 at 10:37 pm
Dear Readers

This is not in response to a question. This is just me talking about my new self-improvement system. I’m really excited about it, and I need to get it written down otherwise the goals I attach to it are not goals at all, but just wishes. That, and one of the goals is to do some writing every day, be it in my journal or on my blog… nulla die sine linea.

Anyway, my system is SUPERB. S-U-P-E-R-B. And under this system, ideally every day is superb. What does my superb day consist of?
S – Scripture reading
U – something you (as in Susan) picked out for me that week. This first week is to watch HP.
P – Practice a new skill.
E – Exercise 15 minutes. Today I ran to the mall and back. About two miles roundtrip.
R – Writing. I have to write something every day, be it in my journal or my blog.
B – Business reading. I have a stack of pop-business books outside of my new school booklist. So I have to read a little of that everyday to hopefully get through that pile.
While I acknowledge that the reward of a thing well done is having done it (Thank you, Mr. Emerson), Susan has reluctantly allowed me the extrinsic motivation of getting a booster pack of Magic: The Gathering cards for every five consecutive superb days I have, redeemable at the time of family vacation to use in drafts with my dear siblings.
In addition to my intrinsic and extrinsic motivation to help me accomplish these daily tasks, I have decided to make myself accountable to the entire unknowing public. How so? Every time someone asks me how my day went, I will either be able to tell them it was superb, or I will have to say it was less than superb. And since I don’t want to have to explain why I am doing less than superb, I will use that as an extra spur to make sure I get everything done, every day.
And now that I have written something today, I can now say with confidence that today was superb.
Readers, I’d love to hear what systems you may be using to achieve your goals. Please share.
Love,
Josh
p.s. Here are some inspirational videos to get you psyched up.

171st Ask Josh – 1st Ask Ginny

In Uncategorized on August 7, 2011 at 7:42 pm

Natalie Tripp of KFOX14 asked…

“[W]hy has there not been a post about the most recent addition to the Guest generation?!”

Dear Natalie,

I’m going to let Ginny answer this one:

Ginny: Natalie, Natalie, Natalie,

How little research you do. Though I suppose of all current events that fall on the radar of the fourth estate, my father’s progeny would only make a tiny blip at best at this point in my lifelong pursuit of attention. On the other hand, I am pretty fabulous. So the fault is on your head.

Indeed, there have been many a post about the most recent addition to the Guest generation. You can find all my beautiful mugshots at weareguest.blogspot.com.

Also, here are some funny anecdotes my daddy posted about me on Facebook. I can’t say they’re all true. He has trouble listening. As you can see, he doesn’t even answer most of the questions he fields anymore.

Anyways, enjoy my hilarity.

Kisses,

Ginny

After Ginny arrived at our apartment for the first time, she took one look around said, “So you’re both students, huh?” It got real awkward and silent after that.

So Ginny and I are having some quality time together. I’m making her watch the Buster Keaton silent film “The General.” She’s too young to even think that I’m lame, much less tell me so.

Ginny asked me, “Dad, is it true you don’t like high-maintenance women?”

I acknowledged that it was indeed true.

Ginny just laughed, so much and for so long that she didn’t notice me leave the room. It was 5:00 am, after all.

[A few hours later] she finally stopped laughing and said she was ready for a serious conversation. She called me back, “Hey, Dad. Come here for a sec.”

“Yes, Ginny?”

“Be a dear and change my diaper, then make me some new furniture!”

She is still laughing over that one. She thinks she is so darn funny.

Ginny: “Dad, remember in the hospital how I would immediately stop crying everytime you held me?”

Me: “Yes.”

Ginny: “Well that was all an act to get you to bring me home. Also, I pooped my pants again.”

So I was playing some Settlers of Catan online, and I was getting really excited because I was winning until Ginny rained on my parade:

Ginny: “Dad, you’re pathetic.”

Me: “You don’t even know what that means.”

Ginny: “Maybe so, but that doesn’t make it any less true.”

Ginny: “Dad? … Dad? …. Dad!”
Me: “What?”
Ginny: “It’s 2:00 am.”
Me: “What’s your point?”
Ginny: “I can tell time. See you in two hours.”

Ginny: “What’s a 3 or 4 letter word for someone who can’t do the Sunday Times crossword puzzles?”

Josh: “Is it me?”

Ginny: “Well, that’s two letters, but I’ll still give it to you. I would have accepted ‘dad’, ‘you’, or ‘Josh’. Also, here’s your Sunday crossword puzzle back. Who would have thought that Will Shortz could be so formulaic. I mean “Oreo” again? Oops, milk’s coming back up. Towel. Towel!”

Ginny: “Gee Dad, I can’t believe you really can sing Cat Stevens’ Greatest Hits from memory. How long have you spent learning those?”

Me: “All my life.”

Ginny: “Interesting, I didn’t have you pegged as the type of person that had a life.”

Ginny: “What’s this in my hair, daddy?”
Me: “That’s honey, Ginny.”
Ginny: “Like the game ‘Hummy’?”
Me: “That’s ‘Rummy’, honey.”
Ginny: “Well what’s this honey doing in my hair, Chummy?”
Me: “Your mom uses it to glue bows to your head, baby.”
Ginny: “Well, there’s no arguing with her.”
Me: “I know.”

Ginny: “Dad, who is Rebecca Black?”
Me: “Well, before you were born she posted a music video and everybody made fun of it.”
Ginny: “So her latest music video that says ‘my moment’ 26 times in 206 seconds is her revenge on everyone who made fun of her by making a music video about how everyone made fun of her?”
Me: “Yeah, that’s about right.”
Ginny: “That’s perverse. This is my moment spit up now.”

Ginny: “Dad, what’s a potty?”
Me: “It’s somewhere you go to make a mess and then promptly leave.”
Ginny: “Wait, do you mean party?”
Me: “Actually, I do.”

Ginny: “Dad, you’re dyspeptic.”
Me: “That’s not even a word.”
Ginny: “Yes, it is. Look it up.”
[I leave the room] [Moments pass] [I return]
Me: “Well, I knew it was a word, I just didn’t think it could be used to describe people.”
Ginny: “That’s not the point. The point is that a one-week-old got you to look up a word. BOOM! Roasted.”

Ginny: “Dad, you ever notice how something becomes uncool the instant an EFY kid does it?”

Me: “Give some examples.”

Ginny: “Jon Schmidt music, choreographed dancing, playing the ukelele.. they really killed Jason Mraz’s ‘I’m Yours’ on ukulele.”

Me: “Ginny, go to sleep.”
Ginny: “No.”

Ginny: “I solved the chicken and the egg debacle.”
Me: “Oh really?”
Ginny: “It’s the chicken. Otherwise nothing incubates the next egg.”
Me: “Then where did the chicken come from?”
Ginny: “God put it there.”
Me: “And if He didn’t?”
Ginny: “Well, I don’t mean to get preachy on ya, but if you take Him out of it the entire discussion becomes a philosophical tire spin in a mire of meaninglessness.”
Me: “Time for bed.”

Ginny: “Dad, I’ve been thinking about the debt ceiling and I…”
Me: “Hold it right there. If you think I’m going to let you use me as a megaphone for some kind of political agenda, then…”
Ginny: “Let me finish, Old Man. I was going to say that if you use an arch structure instead of a post-lintel ceiling, it might cover it.”
Me: “Okay, I’ll post that.”

Ginny: “So ‘The Locomotion’ by Little Eva and ‘Crazy Train’ by Ozzy Osbourne is the same song, just in different languages?”
Me: “How do you figure that?”
Ginny: “They’re both about trains, one train is Crazy, the other is the Loco, the Locomotion”
Me: “Did you YouTube either of these songs before coming to me with this theory?”
Ginny: [looks down, ashamed] “No.”

Me: “So why do women love Emily Blunt so much?”
Ginny: “She’s pretty, but not so pretty that females think of her as a threat.”
Me: “Oh what am I doing asking you? You don’t know anything about it.”
Ginny: “Your fly is open. … Made you look.”

Ginny: “You know how the face soap is smaller than the body soap at hotels? That’s ’cause the face bars are just used body bars.”
Me: “How do you come up with this stuff?”
G: “Logic. You see, your face and body are made of the same skin, why make different soaps? It just didn’t add up.”
M: “You know the skin on your back is thicker than the skin on your eyelids, right?”
G: “How do you come up with this stuff?”

Ginny: “Dad, are you really going to pay all that money for an All-Sports pass just so you can abandon me at home and sit out in the sun or the snow?”
Me: “Yep.”
G: “Yeah, you made the right choice.”
Susan: “I don’t think she really said that.”
G: “Mom, it’s the first year of independence for BYU. HELLO!?!”
S: “You don’t even know what independence means.”
G: “I know you are but what am I?”

Me:”Look, Susan! Ginny just smiled.”
Ginny: “I’m not smiling, I’m pooping. I can’t voluntarily smile for another ten weeks. Do your homework, Dad.”

Ginny: “Dad, I appreciate you trying to help me me out by combing my hair for me. But, to be frank, you’re really terrible at this.”
Me: “Oh, and I suppose you could do better?”
Ginny: “Well, I don’t see how I could make yours any worse…”

Ginny: “Who is that person pretending to be a dancer on So You Think You Can Dance?”
Me: “Gaga.”
Ginny: “Well obviously. What’s the poor guy’s name?”
Me: “She is Lady Gaga.”
Ginny: “Oh my gaga.”

Susan: “She’s laughing.”
Me: “Nope, that wasn’t a laugh.”
Susan: “Yes, it was.”
Me: “Ginny, wanna settle this for us?”
Ginny: “No.”
Me: “No, as in it was not a laugh?”
Ginny: “No, as in I don’t want to settle this for you.”

Ginny: “What’s with girls all liking Rascal Flatts? What’s his deal?”
Me: “It’s not a guy, it’s a band. Lots of guys.”
Ginny: “If it was just one guy, do you think he could take Jethro Tull?”
Me: “I don’t know. It’s possible. Jethro Tull is also a lot of guys, but they’re pretty old.”
Ginny: “Rascal Flatts is getting pretty old, Jethro should be fine.”

Susan [pretending to be Ginny]: “Daddy… Daddy…. Daddy…”
Me waking up: “What is it?”
Susan [still pretending]: “Come change me.”
Me: “Ginny, I know that’s not you talking. You’re not saying that.”
Susan: “Can you change her now?”
Me: “Let’s wait a little before we do. Maybe she’ll potty train herself.”
Ginny: “No I won’t.”

Ginny: “Go ahead… shake my hand…. go ahead…. Come on, I’m extending a hand of fellowship to you. Just shake my hand already…”

[I extend my hand to shake it]

Ginny: “[Pulling hand away] Oops! Too slow! Hahahahahah. Boy, Dad. You sure are gullible… You know if I had a nickel for every time you… Dad? Hey Dad, where did you…? Dad!”

Ginny: “Ashton Kutcher, Justin Timberlake, Natalie Portman, and Mila Kunis are all fighting for a role in a movie about friends with benefits. They draw straws to decide, but Ashton forgot to cut them differently. So Ashton and Natalie hook up in one movie, Justin and Mila hook up in the exact same movie one month later. And Mila and Natalie hook up in the ballet thing.”

Me: “Totally setting up Ashton to fake seduce Justin on ‘Punk’d.'”

Ginny: “Or setting them up to fall in love in Step Up 4!”

Ginny: “Why are the girls on the Brady Bunch taking their step-dad’s last name?”

Me: “It doesn’t matter.”

170th Ask Josh – Tasteless

In Uncategorized on July 9, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Dave Nemrow asked via facebook…

Please create a blog strictly on food. Is this too much to ask for a witty savage as yourself? Did you find the Mac lab when I saw you last?

Dear Dave,

I’d be happy as a clam to create at least a Post about food based on your order. Taking requests is my meat and potatoes. I know this may sound corny, but my blog isn’t worth a hill of beans if my readers don’t acquire a taste for my writing. I know that I am as busy as popcorn on a skillet, and committing to answer every single question may have been biting off more than I could chew, consequently my responses move about as fast as molasses. But once I get started, I can usually finish in just one sitting. It’s like they say, the way you eat an elephant is one bite at a time.

Question 1
So, to answer your first question: Is a blog on food too much to ask of a witty savage such as myself?
Well, wit and savagery are my bread and butter. Or rather, wit is my bread and savagery my butter, I mean, savagery is my bread and wit my butter. You know what, wit and savagery both serve as my various breads and various butters (Thanks, Mr. Allen).
Question 2
Did I find the Mac lab?
Well, yes. But who cares? That’s small potatoes compared to the more pressing issues of our day.
Conclusion
With Susan reading over my shoulder, it has just occurred to me that you wanted me to create a blog about food. With my exquisite taste I shall grant your wish.
Top 5 Hot Dogs
5. Polish Sausage at Costco
4. Beef dog at J-Dawgs – sauerkraut, banana peppers, grilled onions ketchup, spicy mustard, and the J-Dawg special sauce
3. Completo Italiano – Domino, in Santiago, Chile – chopped tomatoes, avocado, and mayonesa.
2. Sonoran Dog (or barrio dog) – Sabor de Tucson – hot dog, wrapped in bacon, on a circular roll, topped with pinto beans, onions, salsa verde, mustard, mayo, and a glass of horchata on the side.
1. Puka Dog – Puka Dogs in Kauai, Hawaii – Injected with mango relish, spicy garlic mayo, and wrapped in a warm, fluffy bread blanket.
Top 5 Burgers and Sandwiches — Susan said I should separate the two. But I don’t eat that many sandwiches.
5. Double Double – In ‘N Out Burger –
4. Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger on Sourdough – Jack in the Box – Make sure you get it on sourdough.
3. Crown Burger – Crown Burger in Salt Lake City – A juicy beef patty topped with pastrami.
2. The Woody Allen – Carnegie Deli – A whole lot of pastrami and whole lot of corned beef. Price is steep at $18.95, but it should last you three meals. Don’t forget to take a cheesecake to go.
1. Spicy Enticer – Sensuous Sandwich – Pastrami, italian sausage, and pepperoni with cream cheese.
Top 10 Beverages
10. Shirley Temples at California Pizza Kitchen – I know they’re pretty much the same everywhere you go, but CPK gives you free refills on it. Use it to fill in the extra room leftover from your tiny pizza.
9. Caffeine Free Dr. Pepper – Sold only in Utah – Leave the guar gum, take the caffeine.
8. White Gummy Bear – Jamba Juice – One of the secret flavors. No gummy bears were harmed in the making of this drink.
7. Fanta original red creme soda – They don’t make this anymore. They haven’t made it for at least a decade. But it’s delicious.
6. Vanilla Bean Frappucino – Starbucks – Makes any summer day into a great one.
5. The Virgin Pina Colada as Big as Your Head – Red Lobster – It’s not actually called that, but that’s what I tell the server to bring me. Makes a great addition to the Shrimp Fettucine Alfredo.
4. Tangerine Shake – I recently re-discovered this at Olive Garden after McDonald’s took it away over a decade ago.
3. Horchata – Los Caporales in Klamath Falls, OR, is the best I have ever had, but they have gone out of business. Sabor de Tucson makes the best stuff in Utah.
2. Peach Sprite – Red Robin or Utah Valley Regional Medical Center
1. LemonBerry Slush – Sonic
Susan wants to do her own post on food. So I have to go now. Bye.
Josh

169th Ask Josh – Something Stupid

In Uncategorized on July 6, 2011 at 7:38 am

Walkawalkawalka said…

Do something stupid for our amusement.
….
Dear Walka Walka,
This is, without question, not a question (Waka waka!).
Still, true to the code. Here’s something stupid, which I happen to be doing. Hopefully you may find it to be to your amusement.

http://www.youtube.com/get_player

If that isn’t stupid enough for you. Here’s more of the same. Also stupid.

http://www.youtube.com/get_player

And remember what Voldemort said: A bathroom cleaner is not a bathroom cleaner unless it leaves your bathroom cleaner.
Love,
Josh

168th Ask Josh – Soulmate Revisited

In Uncategorized on July 1, 2011 at 3:49 pm

RV asked:

Did you really make Susan take a picture of you with your fake soulmate?
…..
Dear Recreational Vehicle,
I did.
Dear Readers,
Here is the backstory to Mr. Vehicle’s question:
Back in March 2009 I posted a story about my experience in the Missionary Training Center where the Elders joked that a certain sister who shall remain unnamed (mostly because I don’t know her name) was my MTC soulmate.
One mission and a few additional years later I happened to run into her on campus, in poster form.

From this I learned that she was either a model, an accountant, a model accountant, all three or none of the above.
A couple more years and a marriage later I was in the University Mall with my wife and in-laws, eating a cup of Cold Stone’s worst ice cream flavor (hazelnut). Then I look over my shoulder and there she is… again.
I asked Susan for permission to introduce myself to the stranger. Susan said no. So all I got was this photo:
If that picture alone wasn’t enough to make you think less of me, here is a list of things we concluded about her:
My old, false alarm soulmate:
  • First name Hermana
  • At least 27 years old (unless her father was a mission president which could mean that she is at least 26)
  • An accountant, a model, or a model accountant.
  • Likely to be living in Provo, Orem, or somewhere in Happy Valley.
  • Married, engaged, wearing a fake ring to throw people off, or unaware that she is wearing a ring.
Can’t see it? Okay, we’ll zoom a little further.
  • She prefers strawberry or other pink-colored frozen dairy desserts, or she just puts a lot of food-coloring in her hazelnut-flavored shake.
This is what we know.
Also, on an unrelated note. I ran into one of my old arch-nemeses earlier that day. He’s in my stake. And we both were volunteering at the Cub Scout Olympics. I ran the horseshoe booth while he was off probably timing sprints or setting an obstacle course or something, that unconscionable miscreant.
There he is. Some things never change.
Blech. I can’t stand to write anymore just thinking about him. Thanks for re-opening my old wounds, Rec.
Love,
Josh