Archive for October, 2008|Monthly archive page

45th Ask Josh – 9 minutes to live

In Uncategorized on October 30, 2008 at 10:01 pm

Jessi Kay said…

If someone told you had exactly 9 minutes to live, what would you do in those 9 minutes?

Dear Jessi Kay,

If I had 9 minutes to live I’d sit quietly.  No need to panic.  Anyone I would even consider calling would freak out if I told them the news.  I might call in to work and let them know I won’t be coming in.  If I found out at work I would probably clock out, you know how they freak out if you miss a timecard punch.  And if it did happen at work, I may as well go down to Taco Bell and get a cheesy gordita crunch.  I always get one of those during my 10 minute break. Granted, I would have to eat it a little faster because I only have 9 minutes this time.

Since it is my last meal and all, I’ll go for the $1.86 Gordita as opposed to my daily $0.89 Cheesy Double Beef burrito.  I suppose I would go find a private place to eat my gordita, since I wouldn’t want to go dying in public.  But if there was a line I would probably go pick up a Daily Universe and get working on the crossword puzzle.  I would give away my laptop, watch, ipod, and any cash on hand to the nearest bystanders

If I found out while I was in class I would probably just go back to sleep.

If I found out while I was in my apartment, I would tell Dexter that I always liked Congi, and I don’t mind the smell of the house when he cooks. And I’d pick up a book and read it.  

If I found out while I was on a date, I would pick up the check, give the car keys to my date and have her drive herself home, then I would go to the washroom.

You see, 9 minutes really is not a lot of time for me to really get much done as far as “things to do before you die” or to do some kind of deathbed repentance.  

In the end, I would take my 9 minutes to find you and say, “This is all your fault.”

44th Ask Josh – Weirdest Question

In Uncategorized on October 29, 2008 at 2:02 pm

Kat asked in class…

What’s the weirdest question you’ve ever gotten?


The weirdest question I have ever received actually was the first real question ever posed by a reader.  The first question showing up on the blog was about Neil Diamond, but I must admit that I just put that question up myself to get the ball rolling. The first true question, as given by Nike85 remains to this day the weirdest:

There you have it. If you have anything weirder, I’d like to hear it.  

The 2nd weirdest question I have yet to answer.  A first time questioner “A city boy living in the country” said


1) Why are deer able to know to jump over the barbed wire fences in our neighborhood? They gracefully jump over them..even at night. Do they each have to get tangled in it once to then know to jump every time? Do they have to get tangled in each one and then remember after that? I am puzzled.”

I’ll be honest, it is outside my general repertoire.  But I am working on it.  It is going to be fine indeed.

Another weird one came recently from Confused Biologist

Sometimes i wonder where do worms go in the winter time, if they stay underground do they freeze? Its kinda like the flys go away too, then suddenly come back , but where do they go? it could not have been south for the winter like birds, I just don’t know.”

I’ll be honest.  I don’t know a lot about biology.  Which is why I probably found all three of these animal-related questions as “weird.” Not bad, just weird.  But I am happy to give whatever idiotic insights I might have as long as you’re willing to take the time to ask me.

Have a wonderful day.

I can’t wait for the next weird question. 

43rd Ask Josh – Exit and Return of Better Idiot.

In Uncategorized on October 28, 2008 at 3:39 pm

Josh Guest – The Better Idiot

Yes, the Better Idiot is back by popular demand. We missed him, too. And he’s much better and much idiot than ever. The “Ask Josh” Series continues. But we need your question. Any question. Factual, opinionated, hypothetical, rhetorical, anything. Just ask. Have a wonderful day.

BeeGeeThree said


When and where did the Better Idiot go?

Did he just stop working on his website?

Was he “gone” being a different than his usual self …[?]

Who missed him? Did Josh miss his oldself…[?]

Dear BeeGeeThree,

The title for the blog has come and gone depending on the whims of the author. These titles come from various books, jokes, cliches, and suchlike. Other titles have included or may some day include:

Professional Help
PreProfessional Help
Unprofessional Help
Greatly Misunderstood (From Ralph Waldo Emerson’s “To be great is to be misunderstood.”)
A Stick in the Eye
5 Standard Deviations from the Mean
Classy Clown

One day we may even see a series taking three different perspectives from what some close friends have referred to as the three versions of myself:

FunJosh (What Josh would say if he was out with the guys. Often abrupt, but entertainingly candid and insightful.)

DateJosh (What Josh would say if he was being a gentleman on a date or going to a formal affair. Much more quiet and thoughtful. Smiles politely. Nods and asks questions. Gives the perfect answer. Not very funny, unless you like the shy, silent type.)

WorkJosh aka ChurchJosh (What Josh says when he has to get things done and there is no room for idle laughter or the putting on of airs. Frank, not belligerent. Bold, not overbearing. Always right, or at least willing to change immediately if proven otherwise.)

So you see, the name “Better Idiot” went away for a while to make room for other names. But, as the title says, the Better Idiot is back for the time being due to requests of faithful readers.

Did he just stop working on his website? No, he did not just stop working on his website. In fact, October has been the most literature laden month thus far, this makes for the 21st post this month. So the Better Idiot never went anywhere. He just changed a bit. Which leads to your third question:

Was he gone? Yes, you might say the Better Idiot persona took a brief sabbatical to pursue non-blog-related interests.

Who missed him? Didn’t we all miss the Better Idiot? Maybe if we aimed a little better or just shot more often we wouldn’t miss him… It’s not easy being the idiot, but somebody has gotta do it.

Did Josh miss his oldself…[?] After a while, yes. Granted, he knows he has to grow up sometime. And when he does, you know he’ll miss him. We don’t know when, but someday DateJosh and WorkJosh will combine and kill FunJosh. We know they have tried it before. It is like that episode of Seinfeld where “Relationship George” will kill the George that Jerry knows and loves. FunJosh must inevitably suffer a similar fate lest DateJosh and WorkJosh find themselves in a state of perpetual singlehood and unemployment.

But, if Bill Cosby’s doctrines on the “Mother’s Curse” is true, than you can rest assured knowing that FunJosh will return and Josh will get his comeuppance when he has to deal with children who act the exact same way that he acts (or acted).

P.S. Readers, we would love to know your ideas for future blog titles. Let us know.

42nd Ask Josh – 5 Things

In Uncategorized on October 26, 2008 at 10:38 pm

RachelleRenae said…

i don’t know where exactly to leave my question..i’ve thought long and hard about here goes…if you had to just leave tomorrow morning on this unknown adventure….who knows. but anyway you could only take 5 things w you..what would those 5 things be. take in mind that this is a long trip life altering trip (of course) and life will probably not be the same ever again. and these 5 items are the only things you could take. sorry i had a better question..but this one will have to do.

Dear Rachelle,
I would take:
1. A Leatherman tool
2. an iPhone
3. the syllabi to my classes (I’d be dead without those)
4. My Smith’s student savings card
5. The complete works of William Shakespeare

That’s really all you need to survive where I am, and I don’t even have the leatherman or the iphone.  So, 5 items would be an upgrade.

Sorry, I had a better answer. But this one will have to do.

Now, see how you like it!


41st Ask Josh – Josh’s Movie

In Uncategorized on October 25, 2008 at 4:12 pm

singer chick said…

if somebody asked you to make a movie, what would you name it and what would it be about?


Dear SC,

If somebody asked me to make a movie, I would make a documentary about dating.  I would have trouble picking a name, because I’m not so much into marketing. Some ideas include:

aRMed and Date-gerous
Much Ado About Something Close to Nothing
Portrait of a Date
And, you know what? I already finished it.  Here are parts 1 & 2 in the 4-part series.

Part 1 – The Takedown

Part 2 – Pre-game Prep

Part 3 – Game Time (not posted)
Part 4 – Aftermath (not posted)

40th Ask Josh – Worms

In Uncategorized on October 24, 2008 at 7:08 pm

Sometimes i wonder where do worms go in the winter time, if they stay underground do they freeze? Its kinda like the flys go away too, then suddenly come back , but where do they go? it could not have been south for the winter like birds, I just don’t know.

Confused Biologist

lol- please keep this confidential, and i am not really a biologist, but thats off the record.


Dear CB,

According to Martin Holmstrup and J. Overgaard, there are earthworms that live in subarctic and cold temperate areas who have learned to deal with freezing underground temperatures. It turns out that the air temperature is often worse than underground anyway.  
“Most lumbricid earthworms can survive temperatures down to the melting point of their body fluids but only few species are freeze tolerant.” [Cryobiology, vol. 55, issue 1 (Aug 2007): 80-86]

I never would have guessed it, but some earthworms can actually tolerate the formation of ice inside of their little wormy selves.  Holmstrup and Overgaard go on to say that, “freeze tolerance may be a more common phenomenon in earthworms than previously thought.” [Ibid.]  

Of course, not all earthworms are like that.  As the article said, only a few species are freeze tolerant.  So in the next few exhibits, I would like to not only to tell you, but show you where the worms go in the winter. 

Exhibit A – Earthworm Jim – According to Wikipedia, he became the first video game to receive a 100% review in GamesMaster magazine.

Exhibit B – Earthworm from James and the Giant Peach. The truth is, the Earthworm wasn’t that great, really.  Of all the arthropods on the peach, he was the only one to not be featured on the movie poster.  He even came in behind the silkworm who doesn’t even do anything for the entire movie.

It is kind of a disappointment to not be featured on the cover.  But let’s be honest, earthworms just don’t sell.

Exhibit C – Oh wait, I guess earthworms do sell.  They just don’t sell movie tickets.  The purpose for this exhibit is threefold. To wit,
1. Some worms have thrived in greenhouses where they are cultivated and harvested for bait.
2. Some are made into proverbs like, “don’t open that can of worms.”
3. Others are made into social laments, “Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms.”

Exhibit D – Some are still eating Ben Franklin. He wrote his own mock epitaph:

The Body of B. Franklin

Like the Cover of an old Book,
Its Contents torn out,
And stript of its Lettering and Gilding,
Lies here, Food for Worms.
But the Work shall not be whlly lost:
For it will, as he believ’d, appear once more,
In a new & more perfect Edition,
Corrected and Amended
By the Author.

His real epitaph looks like this.  There may be no worms on the surface, but I imagine that, deep down, they’re there–staying warm. 
Exhibit E – Some go back in time to be a part of Martin Luther’s Diet.

Exhibit F – Other Hollywood worms moved away from being extras and actually came out as the villains.  Like in Tim Burton’s Beetlejuice.

Exhibit G – Some worms are sold as pets.  They live in little habitats called Worm Farms, you know, like Ant Farms.  The store that specializes in selling worm farms is none other than Harry Dunn and Lloyd Christmas franchise, “I Got Worms.”
Exhibit H – Some worms become Magic: The Gathering cards where they (ironically) are among the most powerful creatures a Mage can summon.  As you may well know, Wurms have high power and toughness.  They do require that you use a lot of mana, and some require that you sacrifice your enchantments.  And enchantments don’t come cheap these days.  But that’s the fee that Wurms charge.  After all, they did come all the way from being an internally frozen ground dweller, to bait, to proverb, to video game subject, to movie extra, to movie villain, to movie star, to history legends.  Don’t you think they deserve a little mana?
craw_wurm.jpgelder_land_wurm_med.jpgbattering_wurm_gpt.jpgEndless Wurm.jpg

39th Ask Josh – Question of questions

In Uncategorized on October 24, 2008 at 6:57 pm

Alexis wrote on my facebook wall:

“Lol!  I dropped like, more than 200 friends last month, and regretted it yesterday!
How do we ask questions for”


Dear Alexis,

Just post a comment on any post on the entire blog and I’ll find it.  

OR You can ask me questions via Facebook as you just did.

OR You can text me on my phone

OR You can email me.

OR You can write a question on your own blog and post the link to it in a comment on my blog.

And may I take this opportunity to thank all of you who keep asking such great questions.  I love them all.  There has not yet been a bad question.  I hope this is as fun for you as it is for me.  

Guess what. I’m watching High School Musical 3 tonight!  I bought my ticket online the night before the show opened.  You know this one is going to be dope, yo.  I mean it is going to be off da’ chain, ya dig?

If I ever started a restaurant.  I would definitely name one of the items after Chad in the High School Musical series.  We would name the item: Chicken Corbin Bleu.

We would have Zak Efron Fries
Gabriella Gaspacho (Tomato soup served ice cold).
Creme Brulee by the kid who makes the Creme Brulee
and Sharpay’s Angel Hair pasta.

38th Ask Josh – Josh on an Island

In Uncategorized on October 24, 2008 at 6:30 pm

singer_chick463 said…

alright josh heres a question? if you were stranded in a desert and you had three items a piece of string, a match, a piece of paper. What would you do with all three items and which would be important to you.

anonymous  said…

I like the desert one and I’d like to add on to that one. What would you name said desert? And if you could choose one person to be on the island with you, any living person who you have carried on at least 5 conversations with, who would it be? And if you had to sacrifice one of the three materials (string/match/paper) in order to have that person on the island, which would you sacrifice? 

Good night and good luck.


Dear Singer Chick and Anonymous,

Okay,we’ll attack those multifarious inquiries one at a time. 

1. If stranded on island, what would I do with all three: a string, a match, a piece of paper.

Since I’m stranded on an island, I would sell the match for a penny (that’s what I can probably hope for, since they are often called penny matches).  Upon selling the penny match I would discover that inflation has moved the price of a penny to a five cents, so I actually sell my nickel match for three cents (The guy thinks he is getting a great deal, but he doesn’t know that I rolled up the paper and told him it was a match).

With my three cents and match, I walk over to the island resort hotel and say, “hey man, I’m stranded on this here string of people.  How about cutting me some slack and letting me have a place to stay for the night, eh?”

The concierge would look at me and say, “Oh dear, you are in fact stranded.  Look at yourself, all attached to that strand of string. Stay as long as you like. Let me cut that for you.”  

Once freed, I bid good day to all the others stranded on that strand of string, and then I go to my room.

Oh, and I threw away the match and the three cents. 

2. Which would be important to you?

Yes, I guess she would be.  But she would have to realize that it is not yet Halloween.  And we can’t go on forever dressed as a Which and a guy tied to a string.

3. What would you name said desert?

Oh, you said desert, not island.  Well, I guess I would change my response to Question 1 to, “I’d write out some poetry on my paper, since I always have a pen in my pocket. Then I’d burn the desert down.  It would only take one match. Then I would take the string and paper and make a kite, with all the desert burnt down and out of the way, I can catch all the wind and have a lovely kite-flying day just before perishing because I refuse to enter that desert hotel full of casinos and cigarette smoke.”

I would name the desert Everett.  Everett Desert.  

4. And if you could choose one person to be on the island with you, any living person you have carried on at least 5 conversations with, who would it be?
I’ve got a question for you, Anonymous.  What’s with changing the venue back to an island again?  Supposing I was still in the desert, I would want to be with Everett.  Why not? I named a desert after him without even having met him yet.  So he must be pretty cool.  And we’ll have 5 conversations in no time.

If I was on an island, I suppose I would have to be with you, Anonymous.  I assume you’re living, and we have had at least 5 conversations.  Really, this is like the 7th question you have posted on this blog.  So we’re pretty tight now.  

5. And if you had to sacrifice one of the three materials (string/match/paper) in order to have that person on the island, which one would you sacrifice?

I’d give up the match for you, Anonymous.  I was going to sell it anyway. I was just holding out until inflation brought it up to a dime match.

37th Ask Josh – Middle Names

In Uncategorized on October 23, 2008 at 3:52 pm

Jessie kay said….

what do you have against middle names?! sheesh!
anonymous said…
Yes, why can’t your girls have middle names?
Dear Jessie Kay and Anonymous,
First, I would not take this personally.  To me, Jessie Kay is not a first name followed by a middle name.  It is a two-word first name.  Or a two-syllable, one-word first name with a space inserted. 
And Anonymous shouldn’t take it personally either, as Anonymous has decided to go without a middle or a last name.  Anonymous is one of those artists with just a single name who move throughout history gaining renown while never having their surname mentioned.  Examples include Shakira, Jewel, Cher, Madonna, Prince, Aaliyah, Eminem, Bjork, Beck, Enya, Seal, Selena and recently Beyonce and Janet both made the transition.
That group alone justifies, if not necessitates, doing away not only with middle names, but last names, too!
Oprah has also rid herself of her other names.  And she is one of the most influential people in the world according to the most easily influenced people in the world.
Why can’t girls have middle names?  It causes too much stress during one of the potentially more stressful periods of her life: early marriage. How so? When a girl has a first name, a middle name (or sometimes even two middle names…oh yeah, I’ve seen them), a maiden name (also sometimes two, especially in Latin America), and her spouse’s name, she has to make a terrible choice.  Which I will put forth:
1. Keep all four names: Jana Jessica Jingleheimer Schmidt
2. Drop her maiden name and risk offending her folks: Jana Jessica Schmidt
3. Keep her maiden name and not taking her husband’s name and risk offending her husband.  Picture this, “Hello, My name is Jana Jessica Jingleheimer and this is my husband, John Jacob Schmidt. Oh, don’t worry, we really are married.”
4. Combine her maiden name and her husband’s name with one of those dashes: Jana Jessica Jingleheimer-Schmidt.
5. Drop all but the first name and be just Jana.
With all those stressful possible name combinations, I believe parents do a disservice to a daughter by making her carry around that middle name then force her to choose whether to keep it or lose it when she has plenty of name problems without it.
But, that’s just me. 
I would take longer to expound upon this topic, but I am on a deadline for this question.  Those who anticipate this post are getting antsy, namely you.
Have a great day.

36th Ask Josh – Baby Names

In Uncategorized on October 19, 2008 at 9:58 am

Miss K said…

what’s your favorite baby names?
Dear Miss K.,
In high school I wanted to have city names for my boys.  In this order
1. Reno
2. Boston
3. Austin
4. Dallas
5. Troy
6. Logan
7. Eugene
This became very difficult for girls.  I got names like this:
1. Honolulu (nicknamed Lulu)
2. Florence (nicknamed Flo)
3. Atlanta (terrible)
4. Paris (but that name was ruined)
5. Venice (but we nickname her Venus)
As you can see, the city system is broken.
Next I thought of the names of old heroes.
1. Jason
2. Alexander
3. Odysseus (or Ulysses)
4. Perseus (nicknamed Percy)
5. Hercules (but that will remind everyone of the dog on “Sandlot”)
Then biblical names
1. Joshua (but that one was taken)
2. Luke
3. Paul
4. Peter
5. John
6. Matthew
7. Jacob
8. Joseph
9. Dan
10. Nathan
But everyone has used them.  And the world still isn’t ready for Book of Mormon names:
1. Lehi
2. Nephi
3. Teancum
4. Helaman
5. Moroni
I like the idea of using Latter-day apostle names
1. Jeffrey
2. Henry (nicknamed Hal)
3. Parley
4. Oliver
5. Neal
6. Spencer
7. Thomas
I also like President names
1. George
2. Abraham
3. James
4. Martin
5. Andrew
6. Benjamin
I can’t seem to pick.  I’ll have to cross that bridge when I get there.
For girls: Boy, I really am not cut out to pick a name for a girl to carry all her life.  My only condition is that she have no middle name. I would only give her a middle name if I had no boys and I wanted a rich relative to leave us a big inheritance, then I would give my daughter a middle name after that person.