joshguessed

Archive for August, 2011|Monthly archive page

174th Ask Josh – The End of an Era

In Uncategorized on August 23, 2011 at 10:17 pm

Dear Readers,

I just began business school this last week and one of my orientation classes discussed my brand on the Internet. While I do not regret nor do I take back anything previously written on this blog I must concede that my brand does leave much to be desired in terms of a professional presence.

Though it pains me to announce it, I must bring this blog to a close. The real world of business must never know about my numerous sordid dances, my pontifications regarding dating, tales of former lovers (mine and yours), and my open hostility to capri pants shared with Senator Hatch even though I was registered to vote in Oregon.

Consider this my two weeks notice.

I hereby commit to answer 3 more questions. Call it my last blog’s bequeathal, my granting of three wishes, or whatever you want to call it. I will write 3 more answers and/or grant 3 wishes. You the readers may submit your new questions, ask me to re-answer an old question, or remind me to dig up and answer a forgotten question you submitted yet went unanswered. True to my word, I will field any question or fulfill any request I am capable of taking on.

Please Tweet any questions or requests you may have towards @JoshGuessed or put the hashtag #AskJosh by August 31, 2011. Then we’ll vote; I’ll write; and then I’ll go. Choose wisely, for I will only grant thee these wishes three.

Love Always,

Josh

173rd Ask Josh – Remi-missing?

In Uncategorized on August 10, 2011 at 11:15 pm

Anna Carrera of Channel 9 ABC in Wisconsin asked:

“dear Josh Guest. what do you miss most about 150 BRMB? from anna.”
Note to Readers: 150 BRMB refers to the newsroom in the Brimhall Building at BYU where I used to participate on the BYU Daily News in capacities that included reporter, anchor, producer, weatherman, assignment editor, tape editor.
Dear Anna,
You should know that I am not one to sit and reminisce about the good old times. And I really don’t miss much anymore because I have something either bigger or better to keep me distracted, thus leaving me without any emotional need to long for the old times.
But, I must say… I really loved improvising jokes. My favorite joke, which never hit airwaves, was in response to a story about a horse that held a paintbrush in its mouth. As soon as the camera cut back to me at the anchor’s desk I said, “And I thought they were only good for making glue.” I didn’t think it was that funny of a joke, but I could hear the uproarious laughter all the way from the director’s booth. I always miss telling the jokes. I always miss the laughter, and I get addicted to the attention. It is never enough to be able to sit on my haunches humorwise. As it is in the newsroom, so it is in humor: you’re only as good as your last joke.

One of my other favorite jokes was in response to the birthday of the Greek basketball legend Lazaros Papadopoulos. Since it was raining that day I said to watch out because it was “papadopouling” outside. The producers didn’t like that joke. Sometimes I tell the jokes just for me.
Here is a video of the rain-maker himself, papadopouling all over the court:
One other joke I kind of got in trouble for: making light of devastating tornadoes throughout Missouri, saying that the weather down there was “Missouri-able.” Here is one thing I don’t miss: Looking like a doofus who is speaking unintelligibly. Although I must say: I am working those suspenders.
I guess that a question like this isn’t quite as sexy and grabby as some readers may like. But true to my commitment to you, I answered it. And that gave me just one more superb day.
Love,
Josh
p.s. Here is one last video that may give you a kick of inspiration today. The crux of it: try something new for 30 days. It will boost your confidence, and you will learn something new.

172nd Ask Josh – My Superb System

In Uncategorized on August 8, 2011 at 10:37 pm
Dear Readers

This is not in response to a question. This is just me talking about my new self-improvement system. I’m really excited about it, and I need to get it written down otherwise the goals I attach to it are not goals at all, but just wishes. That, and one of the goals is to do some writing every day, be it in my journal or on my blog… nulla die sine linea.

Anyway, my system is SUPERB. S-U-P-E-R-B. And under this system, ideally every day is superb. What does my superb day consist of?
S – Scripture reading
U – something you (as in Susan) picked out for me that week. This first week is to watch HP.
P – Practice a new skill.
E – Exercise 15 minutes. Today I ran to the mall and back. About two miles roundtrip.
R – Writing. I have to write something every day, be it in my journal or my blog.
B – Business reading. I have a stack of pop-business books outside of my new school booklist. So I have to read a little of that everyday to hopefully get through that pile.
While I acknowledge that the reward of a thing well done is having done it (Thank you, Mr. Emerson), Susan has reluctantly allowed me the extrinsic motivation of getting a booster pack of Magic: The Gathering cards for every five consecutive superb days I have, redeemable at the time of family vacation to use in drafts with my dear siblings.
In addition to my intrinsic and extrinsic motivation to help me accomplish these daily tasks, I have decided to make myself accountable to the entire unknowing public. How so? Every time someone asks me how my day went, I will either be able to tell them it was superb, or I will have to say it was less than superb. And since I don’t want to have to explain why I am doing less than superb, I will use that as an extra spur to make sure I get everything done, every day.
And now that I have written something today, I can now say with confidence that today was superb.
Readers, I’d love to hear what systems you may be using to achieve your goals. Please share.
Love,
Josh
p.s. Here are some inspirational videos to get you psyched up.

171st Ask Josh – 1st Ask Ginny

In Uncategorized on August 7, 2011 at 7:42 pm

Natalie Tripp of KFOX14 asked…

“[W]hy has there not been a post about the most recent addition to the Guest generation?!”

Dear Natalie,

I’m going to let Ginny answer this one:

Ginny: Natalie, Natalie, Natalie,

How little research you do. Though I suppose of all current events that fall on the radar of the fourth estate, my father’s progeny would only make a tiny blip at best at this point in my lifelong pursuit of attention. On the other hand, I am pretty fabulous. So the fault is on your head.

Indeed, there have been many a post about the most recent addition to the Guest generation. You can find all my beautiful mugshots at weareguest.blogspot.com.

Also, here are some funny anecdotes my daddy posted about me on Facebook. I can’t say they’re all true. He has trouble listening. As you can see, he doesn’t even answer most of the questions he fields anymore.

Anyways, enjoy my hilarity.

Kisses,

Ginny

After Ginny arrived at our apartment for the first time, she took one look around said, “So you’re both students, huh?” It got real awkward and silent after that.

So Ginny and I are having some quality time together. I’m making her watch the Buster Keaton silent film “The General.” She’s too young to even think that I’m lame, much less tell me so.

Ginny asked me, “Dad, is it true you don’t like high-maintenance women?”

I acknowledged that it was indeed true.

Ginny just laughed, so much and for so long that she didn’t notice me leave the room. It was 5:00 am, after all.

[A few hours later] she finally stopped laughing and said she was ready for a serious conversation. She called me back, “Hey, Dad. Come here for a sec.”

“Yes, Ginny?”

“Be a dear and change my diaper, then make me some new furniture!”

She is still laughing over that one. She thinks she is so darn funny.

Ginny: “Dad, remember in the hospital how I would immediately stop crying everytime you held me?”

Me: “Yes.”

Ginny: “Well that was all an act to get you to bring me home. Also, I pooped my pants again.”

So I was playing some Settlers of Catan online, and I was getting really excited because I was winning until Ginny rained on my parade:

Ginny: “Dad, you’re pathetic.”

Me: “You don’t even know what that means.”

Ginny: “Maybe so, but that doesn’t make it any less true.”

Ginny: “Dad? … Dad? …. Dad!”
Me: “What?”
Ginny: “It’s 2:00 am.”
Me: “What’s your point?”
Ginny: “I can tell time. See you in two hours.”

Ginny: “What’s a 3 or 4 letter word for someone who can’t do the Sunday Times crossword puzzles?”

Josh: “Is it me?”

Ginny: “Well, that’s two letters, but I’ll still give it to you. I would have accepted ‘dad’, ‘you’, or ‘Josh’. Also, here’s your Sunday crossword puzzle back. Who would have thought that Will Shortz could be so formulaic. I mean “Oreo” again? Oops, milk’s coming back up. Towel. Towel!”

Ginny: “Gee Dad, I can’t believe you really can sing Cat Stevens’ Greatest Hits from memory. How long have you spent learning those?”

Me: “All my life.”

Ginny: “Interesting, I didn’t have you pegged as the type of person that had a life.”

Ginny: “What’s this in my hair, daddy?”
Me: “That’s honey, Ginny.”
Ginny: “Like the game ‘Hummy’?”
Me: “That’s ‘Rummy’, honey.”
Ginny: “Well what’s this honey doing in my hair, Chummy?”
Me: “Your mom uses it to glue bows to your head, baby.”
Ginny: “Well, there’s no arguing with her.”
Me: “I know.”

Ginny: “Dad, who is Rebecca Black?”
Me: “Well, before you were born she posted a music video and everybody made fun of it.”
Ginny: “So her latest music video that says ‘my moment’ 26 times in 206 seconds is her revenge on everyone who made fun of her by making a music video about how everyone made fun of her?”
Me: “Yeah, that’s about right.”
Ginny: “That’s perverse. This is my moment spit up now.”

Ginny: “Dad, what’s a potty?”
Me: “It’s somewhere you go to make a mess and then promptly leave.”
Ginny: “Wait, do you mean party?”
Me: “Actually, I do.”

Ginny: “Dad, you’re dyspeptic.”
Me: “That’s not even a word.”
Ginny: “Yes, it is. Look it up.”
[I leave the room] [Moments pass] [I return]
Me: “Well, I knew it was a word, I just didn’t think it could be used to describe people.”
Ginny: “That’s not the point. The point is that a one-week-old got you to look up a word. BOOM! Roasted.”

Ginny: “Dad, you ever notice how something becomes uncool the instant an EFY kid does it?”

Me: “Give some examples.”

Ginny: “Jon Schmidt music, choreographed dancing, playing the ukelele.. they really killed Jason Mraz’s ‘I’m Yours’ on ukulele.”

Me: “Ginny, go to sleep.”
Ginny: “No.”

Ginny: “I solved the chicken and the egg debacle.”
Me: “Oh really?”
Ginny: “It’s the chicken. Otherwise nothing incubates the next egg.”
Me: “Then where did the chicken come from?”
Ginny: “God put it there.”
Me: “And if He didn’t?”
Ginny: “Well, I don’t mean to get preachy on ya, but if you take Him out of it the entire discussion becomes a philosophical tire spin in a mire of meaninglessness.”
Me: “Time for bed.”

Ginny: “Dad, I’ve been thinking about the debt ceiling and I…”
Me: “Hold it right there. If you think I’m going to let you use me as a megaphone for some kind of political agenda, then…”
Ginny: “Let me finish, Old Man. I was going to say that if you use an arch structure instead of a post-lintel ceiling, it might cover it.”
Me: “Okay, I’ll post that.”

Ginny: “So ‘The Locomotion’ by Little Eva and ‘Crazy Train’ by Ozzy Osbourne is the same song, just in different languages?”
Me: “How do you figure that?”
Ginny: “They’re both about trains, one train is Crazy, the other is the Loco, the Locomotion”
Me: “Did you YouTube either of these songs before coming to me with this theory?”
Ginny: [looks down, ashamed] “No.”

Me: “So why do women love Emily Blunt so much?”
Ginny: “She’s pretty, but not so pretty that females think of her as a threat.”
Me: “Oh what am I doing asking you? You don’t know anything about it.”
Ginny: “Your fly is open. … Made you look.”

Ginny: “You know how the face soap is smaller than the body soap at hotels? That’s ’cause the face bars are just used body bars.”
Me: “How do you come up with this stuff?”
G: “Logic. You see, your face and body are made of the same skin, why make different soaps? It just didn’t add up.”
M: “You know the skin on your back is thicker than the skin on your eyelids, right?”
G: “How do you come up with this stuff?”

Ginny: “Dad, are you really going to pay all that money for an All-Sports pass just so you can abandon me at home and sit out in the sun or the snow?”
Me: “Yep.”
G: “Yeah, you made the right choice.”
Susan: “I don’t think she really said that.”
G: “Mom, it’s the first year of independence for BYU. HELLO!?!”
S: “You don’t even know what independence means.”
G: “I know you are but what am I?”

Me:”Look, Susan! Ginny just smiled.”
Ginny: “I’m not smiling, I’m pooping. I can’t voluntarily smile for another ten weeks. Do your homework, Dad.”

Ginny: “Dad, I appreciate you trying to help me me out by combing my hair for me. But, to be frank, you’re really terrible at this.”
Me: “Oh, and I suppose you could do better?”
Ginny: “Well, I don’t see how I could make yours any worse…”

Ginny: “Who is that person pretending to be a dancer on So You Think You Can Dance?”
Me: “Gaga.”
Ginny: “Well obviously. What’s the poor guy’s name?”
Me: “She is Lady Gaga.”
Ginny: “Oh my gaga.”

Susan: “She’s laughing.”
Me: “Nope, that wasn’t a laugh.”
Susan: “Yes, it was.”
Me: “Ginny, wanna settle this for us?”
Ginny: “No.”
Me: “No, as in it was not a laugh?”
Ginny: “No, as in I don’t want to settle this for you.”

Ginny: “What’s with girls all liking Rascal Flatts? What’s his deal?”
Me: “It’s not a guy, it’s a band. Lots of guys.”
Ginny: “If it was just one guy, do you think he could take Jethro Tull?”
Me: “I don’t know. It’s possible. Jethro Tull is also a lot of guys, but they’re pretty old.”
Ginny: “Rascal Flatts is getting pretty old, Jethro should be fine.”

Susan [pretending to be Ginny]: “Daddy… Daddy…. Daddy…”
Me waking up: “What is it?”
Susan [still pretending]: “Come change me.”
Me: “Ginny, I know that’s not you talking. You’re not saying that.”
Susan: “Can you change her now?”
Me: “Let’s wait a little before we do. Maybe she’ll potty train herself.”
Ginny: “No I won’t.”

Ginny: “Go ahead… shake my hand…. go ahead…. Come on, I’m extending a hand of fellowship to you. Just shake my hand already…”

[I extend my hand to shake it]

Ginny: “[Pulling hand away] Oops! Too slow! Hahahahahah. Boy, Dad. You sure are gullible… You know if I had a nickel for every time you… Dad? Hey Dad, where did you…? Dad!”

Ginny: “Ashton Kutcher, Justin Timberlake, Natalie Portman, and Mila Kunis are all fighting for a role in a movie about friends with benefits. They draw straws to decide, but Ashton forgot to cut them differently. So Ashton and Natalie hook up in one movie, Justin and Mila hook up in the exact same movie one month later. And Mila and Natalie hook up in the ballet thing.”

Me: “Totally setting up Ashton to fake seduce Justin on ‘Punk’d.'”

Ginny: “Or setting them up to fall in love in Step Up 4!”

Ginny: “Why are the girls on the Brady Bunch taking their step-dad’s last name?”

Me: “It doesn’t matter.”