joshguessed

Archive for August, 2009|Monthly archive page

147th Ask Josh – In the City

In Uncategorized on August 16, 2009 at 12:43 pm

Kjirsten said…

how about just advice on moving to a new city period

Dear Kjirsten comma

First things first comma you have to actually use punctuation period Otherwise you apostrophe ll come off as a countrified turdy bird period Is that what you want question mark I thought not exclamation point

If you're moving to a new city, you don't want to stand out. You certainly don't want to look like a tourist, like I always do. Personally, I love wearing the sandals with knee hyphen high black socks.

My experience has not been moving to cities but from them. I have moved from a city to a suburb, then from a suburb to the country. Only time I moved from the country to the city was in the mission. So pardon my backwards reasoning.

Some keys:

You have to beat the shmageggie off of someone to make an example of them. I learned that from all the prison movies I have ever seen. I think it applies to the city, otherwise those urban people will test ya.

You have to go to Wal-Mart, that's what my 3-year-old niece says.

When you get there, you have to meet the locals and eat some of their customary food. For me, that means eating a pig tongue by cutting it right out of the tooth-decayed head of the pig, followed by the snout which you will cut straight off the front of the face, then the hoof, and finally slurping the skin off of a cold chicken foot. I don't think they serve those parts of the pig in most cities anymore, maybe a good shmageggie roast.

After that, you might want to get familiar with some of the local tourist attractions. Not because you need to know that stuff, it's just that you'll never see them otherwise. You'll keep putting them off by saying, "I'm a local, I can go anytime." But then you won't until after you have moved away and then you go on vacation back to your old city.

Find out  the best place to meet singles. If the city is any kind of a city worth moving to at all, I would check out the local Ripley's Believe it or Not, or the Wax museum.

Then you have to kick someone's shmageggie again. You know, to keep the example fresh.

Then you join a pickup game of a locally popular sport, maybe curling, jai alai, or parkour. Pick one person and tell them that you personally are going to make sure they don't score the rest of the game. And put your hands right in front of their eyes without touching them. They won't be able to see, but they can't get mad, cause you're not touching them. This doesn't work if you move to Provo though, those boys will flip out if you do that. They'll come after your shmageggie. Don't believe me? Sign up for some intramural sports and try them out.

When you move to the city, you're going to need some essential items and accessories to not look like a bumpkin, a hayseed, or a folk. For example, if you want to make it in the city, you need to own lots of purses, and lots of shoes. This is important because they steal your shoes a lot and all the city dogs mess up your purses as you're walking through town. I've seen it done. They'll steal your shoes right off of you. Because they know that you'll be expecting a purse snatcher, but modern city people are too savvy to get caught committing such a cliche crime.

Get a sidekick. A squirrelly person preferrably.

…like Rizzo.

…or Lennie.

…or Jermaine.

…or Kato Kaelin.

Get a gun. A big one.

Get a bus pass.

…and a subway pass

…and a helicopter license

…and a boat (especially if you're moving to Venice).

Develop a strong strut.

Practice it while riding a bike.

And go to Church.

Speaking of which, mine starts in a few minutes. Good luck!

Love,

Josh

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