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Archive for February, 2011|Monthly archive page

Two Part special – 162nd and 163rd Ask Josh – U Gotta Right and What Max Hall Hates pt. 1

In Uncategorized on February 23, 2011 at 3:26 pm

What are your thoughts on student’s sporting U of U attire on BYU’s campus?

Chimo Hater

….

Dear Mr. Hater, or may I call you Chimo?,

I only have a second to write on this because I have a brief due in a few days that seeks my utter destruction. So, to help me accomplish the brief, I’ll be brief.

Wearing University of Utah attire is a silly thing to do anywhere in the world. Nevertheless, it is your right to do so where permitted. But since your question has limited me to my thoughts on said attire while on BYU’s campus, I’ll elaborate within those parameters.

The BYU Honor Code requires that students respect others and observe the dress and grooming standards. You could make the argument that wearing the apparel brandishing the logo of the University of Utah violates the Honor Code by not respecting others.

The dress and grooming standards require “a clean and well-cared-for appearance.” A person who is wearing U of U attire must be in violation of having a well-cared for appearance because if he is wearing such apparel he has obviously let himself go.
Exhibit A:

Further, the Honor Code points out that clothing is inappropriate when it is “sleeveless, revealing, or form fitting.” Thus, a Ute fan is in violation of the Honor Code and thus should be barred from walking around on campus if his outfit is sleeveless, revealing, or form-fitting. You will see in Exhibit B that these lads are clearly in violation of all three.
Exhibit B:
May I point out that the sleeves are clearly non-existent, the outfits fit the forms perfectly, and they are revealing inasmuch as you can see both of these ladies’ navels. I may further point out that both of them are in dire need of a shave.
Other than that, there really isn’t much thinking to be done about it. If you aren’t violating the Honor Code on BYU’s campus, you’re allowed to wear it. However, if someone finds a way to say what they think about you in a way that is not in violation of the rule to “respect others,” then you’re on notice that you have it coming.
Also, Max Hall hates you.
And as long as we’re on the subject. Let’s go over the list of all the things that Max Hall hates. Because, he hates “everything.” That includes the following:
Max hates oranges.
Max hates American Idol.
Max hates Miley Cyrus.
Max hates EFY.
Max hates trail mix.
Max hates Shakespeare.
Max hates rain.
Max hates his own legs.
Max hates to read.
Max hates James Bond movies.
Max hates it every time you go away.
Max hates people who shout for joy.
Max hates curious things.
Max hates Curious George.
Max hates Elmo.
Max hates anyone named Sheila.
Max hates love.
Max hates Jimmer.
Max hates part-time lovers.
Max hates instrumental music.
Max hates the city.
Max hates baldness.
Max hates birds.
Max hates friendship.
Max hates to dance.
Max hates it when tax is included in the price of the item.
Max hates Mozart.
Max hates Germany.
Max hates feudalism.
Max hates Tetris.
Max hates children.
Max hates the future.
Max hates picture frames.
Max hates secrets.
Max hates loneliness.
Max hates sad songs.
Max hates happy songs.
Max hates to hold back tears.
Max hates invisible people.
Max hates construction workers.
Max hates tenors.
Max hates parents.
Max hates Australia.
Max hates all the planets.
Max hates stories about Greek mythology.
Max hates that Goose dies in Top Gun.
Max hates money.
Max hates art.
Max hates the entire spectrum of light and color.
Max hates surprises.
Max hates Boston.
Max hates human flesh.
Max hates slander.
Max hates rebounds.
Max hates the status quo.
Max hates Egyptian revolution.
Max hates the way Egyptians walk.
Max hates falsetto voices.
Max hates R&B.
Max hates women who ask men out on dates.
Max hates prayer.
Max hates pedestrians.
Max hates triangles.
Max hates architects.
Max hates the paradox of unstoppable forces hitting immovible objects.
Max hates U2.
Max hates Bono, which goes without saying.
Max hates you from head to toe.
Max hates dancing, really.
Max hates Glee.
Max hates earthquakes.
Max hates crowds.
Max hates all phobias.
Max hates anyone with a phobia.
Max hates Spanish.
Max hates Spain.
Max hates happiness.
Max hates happy endings.
Max hates ice in his drinks.
Max hates vandalism.
Max hates cuddling.
Max hates sandwiches.
Max hates stethoscopes that have two tubes leading to the sound sensor.
Max hates barbed wire.
Max hates earbuds.
Max hates emotion.
Max hates Mr. Peanut.
Max hates daydreaming.
Max hates the Beatles.
Max hates feelings.
Max hates the fact that everyone has needs.
Max hates to think about what could have been.
Max hates ships that sail away.
Max hates Life of Pi.
Max hates gospel music.
Max hates getting Rick Rolled.
Max hates the man in the mirror.
Max hates Billy Elliot.
Max hates maps.
Max hates phonebooks.
Max hates wishing wells.
Max hates roommates.
Max hates the cost of gasoline.
Max hates free gasoline.
Max hates greenhouse gases.
Max hates his moods.
Max hates a dirty room.
Max hates segregation.
Max hates cures to diseases.
Max hates morning sunrises.
Max hates white pants.
Max hates a capella.
Max hates a clean room.
Max hates ceilings.
Max hates carpet.
Max hates the word ‘groovy.’
Max hates islands.
Max hates Western films.
Max hates having to shake beverages well before drinking them.
Max hates having to look away from the sun when he would prefer to continue staring.
Max hates cannibalism.
Max hates skydiving.
Max hates taking any risks.
Max hates social security.
Max hates savants.
Max hates drafty rooms.
Max hates satisfactory reviews.
Max hates having to put a tip on top of a gratuity.
Max hates the touch of linoleum on his feet.
Max hates Mother Goose rhymes.
Max hates down pillows.
Max hates laser pointers.
Max hates bookmarks.
Max hates Google maps.
Max hates the equinoxes.
Max hates Lost & Founds.
Max hates smiles.
Max hates Topeka, Kansas.
Max hates double-talk.
Max hates paradise.
Max hates living without you.
Max hates cartoons interacting with humans on live television, and vice versa.
Max hates billboards.
Max hates boomerangs.
Max hates rating systems that attempt to be both heterogeneous and comprehensive.
Max hates pure democracy.
Max hates fashion.
Max hates women who cut their hair short.
Max hates stairs.
Max hates escalators.
Max hates elevators.
Max hates wishes.
Max hates going outside.
Max hates parole for those who are incarcerated.
Max hates the Florida panhandle.
Max hates drive-thru restaurants.
Max hates timepieces.
Max hates it everytime he thinks about the time he was embarrassed at a Church dance when he tripped.
Max hates second chances.
Max hates board games.
Max hates card games.
Max hates little baby kittens.
Max hates that he loves you, you fool.
Max hates the way you kiss him when you’re playing the kissing game.
Max hates it when you make him cry.
Max hates it when he gets booted.
Max hates it when he has to call the University Parking services to have your car towed.
Max hates Robin Hood.
Max hates Little Bow Wow.
Max hates dusk.
Max hates vibrations he senses whenever he hears sounds with a lot of bass.
Max hates standing ovations at any performance.
Max hates paper airplanes.
Max hates his local congressman.
Max hates his shirt.
Max hates to be with you.
Max hates octaves.
Max hates portable dishwashers.
Max hates roads that end.
Max hates William Owen Pughe.
Max hates basketball.
Max hates famous spies.
Max hates every drawing of a Pinisi he has ever seen.
Max hates the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency.
Max hates bumpy car rides.
Max hates the first dance at weddings.
Max hates it when people refer to any song as “their song.”
Max hates metaphors.
Max hates puzzles.
Max hates hot breads, mutton dishes, and kebabs.
Max hates that love will keep us together.
Max hates it when he is told to hustle.
Max hates jive talking.
Max hates getting down tonight.
Max hates Rhinestone Cowboys.
Max hates the way things are in China.
Max hates the phrase, “White man’s world.”
Max hates repeating himself.
Max hates Saturday nights.
Max hates CB Radio lingo.
Max hates any songs that make the whole world sing.
Max hates rollercoasters.
Max hates martial arts movies.
Anyway, Susan is chatting with me now. So I don’t have time to talk about anything else Max hates. But

161st Ask Josh – By the Grace of Jimmer

In Uncategorized on February 15, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Nobody asked, “Josh, do you have anything to say on Jimmer? Any jokes of your own?”

….

And since nobody asked, I am brought to bring it up myself.

First of all, for readers that don’t follow BYU basketball, our star player Jimmer Fredette is having a great season. This is what he looks like:

It’s no surprise to anyone on campus when he puts up over 40 points in a given night. There are a lot of Jimmer fans out there. It has become a nationwide craze known as Jimmermania. One student who disapproved of what she saw as an excess of decalogue-breaching proportions submitted this letter to the Daily Universe:

I can’t walk across campus without hearing Jimmer Fredette’s name a dozen times. His name comes up everywhere: in class, at work, during lunch … really, people? Cut it out with the Jimmer worship. Last time I checked, idol worship was very much frowned upon in the scriptures. Don’t you have a life to live? Then quit wasting it in front of the TV or in lines at the Marriott Center. At the very least, stop trying to convert those of us who don’t follow BYU sports and don’t care that baseball and badminton are two different things. Pushing basketball on us isn’t going to make us like it any better. I’m not blaming Jimmer for all this; was it Nephi’s fault in the Book of Mormon when his brothers worshiped him? As far as I’m concerned, Jimmer is perfectly free to live his dreams. If he reaches his goals and lives his dreams, more power to him. I would like the same courtesy from his fans: let me live my own dreams in peace, even if they don’t include ever sitting in the Marriott Center screaming my brains out. (Emphases added)

Michelle Peralta – Apple Valley, Calif.

Immediately following Ms. Peralta’s letter, her Facebook page was “Jimmered” with disagreements both serious and mocking of her commandment to cut out the worship of Jimmer. She has since disappeared from Facebook. And the reaction was big enough to get posted on ESPN.
The ESPN reporter’s take on the reaction:
None of the comments (at least none that I read, and I spent a solid 40 minutes reading through them) are overtly angry, profane, unintelligent or mean. Instead, they’re hilarious. They combine Chuck Norris jokes with obscure bits of Jimmer-appropriated scripture. I suppose this is what happens when you mix the intelligent sarcasm of your average college student with the religious knowledge you’d expect from kids at a devotional school like Brigham Young.
While I have to smirk at the general outpouring of Jimmer worship jokes, on the record I have to officially denounce those which place Jimmer’s name within actual scriptural references. Thus, my list of quotable Jimmer jokes is confined to those which are based on apocryphal, mythologized, or doctrinally false religious references.

My Top 3:

3. “One day when you are in the spirit world, you will be enthralled by those you are associated with…. And as you are standing there in amazement, someone will turn to you and ask you which ..time did you live in? And when you say ‘Jimmer’ a hush will fall over every hall and corridor in Heaven, and all in attendance will bow at your presence.”

2. “Jimmer never said it would be easy, he only said it would be worth it.”

1. “When you see only one set of footprints, it was then that Jimmer carried you.”

Honorable Mention: “Double Jimmer all the way across the sky.”

As far as original Jimmer jokes, I haven’t thought of many. Here’s what I have off the top of my head:

“My marriage consists of me, my wife, and Jimmer. And the closer we are to Jimmer, the closer we are to each other.”

“I saw Jimmer’s face in a tortilla.”

“All your base are belong to Jimmer.”


“You know, Jimmer hates democrats.”

“If Jimmer had a name, what would it be and would you call it to his face?”

“Use German for medicine, English for business, French for romance, and Spanish for talking to Jimmer.”

“Clapton is Jimmer.”

Also, I enjoy taking Jimmer’s name in vain since there is no irreverence in my mind here, Jimmer is my witness.

  • Oh dear Jimmer!
  • Jimmer, no!
  • Jimmer forbid!
  • Mother of Jimmer!
  • Act of Jimmer.
  • Jimmer!
  • Oh my Jimmer!
  • Jimmer help us!
  • Jimmerspeed.
  • [sneeze!] Jimmer bless you.
  • I award you no points, and may Jimmer have mercy on your soul.
  • Jimmer darn it!
  • Jimmer’s gonna cut you down.
  • Jimmer awful.
  • Jimmer forsaken.
  • For Jimmer’s sake!
  • Jimmer grant.
  • Jimmer beer me strength.
  • Jimmer willing.
  • Please Jimmer.
  • Jimmerfather.
  • Jimmermother.
  • Fairy Jimmermother.
  • Playing Jimmer.
  • City of Jimmer.
  • “The Jimmers Must Be Crazy!”
  • “Waiting for Jimmerot”
  • Thank Jimmer it’s Friday
  • “Agnes of Jimmer”
  • “Jimmer told me to.”
  • “Their Eyes Were Watching Jimmer”
  • “72 Names of Jimmer”
  • “Jimmer is Brazilian”
  • “Jimmers and Generals”
  • Separation of Jimmer and State.
  • Jimmer is great.
  • Jimmer send me a man.
  • So help me Jimmer.
  • Jimmer is my witness.
  • “If Jimmer is willing and da creek don’t rise.”
  • Jimmer-given rights.
  • Wrath of Jimmer
  • The Jimmer Particle
  • “Veggie Tales: Where’s Jimmer When…?”
  • I swear to Jimmer.
  • Jimmer’s gift to women.
  • Jimmer’s Army
  • Jimmer Save the King
  • Vaya con Jimmer (pronounced HE-mare)

And if anybody says something I disagree with, I tack on the end of my rebuttal, “You know, Jimmer detests people who believe the Constitution is a living breathing document.”

I also thought it might be funny for students to start a Church club called the “Jimmer’s Witnesses.” But I think it would be difficult to distinguish their brand when they go out knocking doors.

Jimmer be with you ’til we meet again,
Josh

Talent Show Dance

In Uncategorized on February 12, 2011 at 1:21 pm

I realize this dance is getting old. I have done it in countless talent shows with roommates, siblings, neighbors, colleagues, and even strangers. I keep doing it because it takes 10 minutes to teach it to someone else, and I always have the mix handy on my ipod. So here.