joshguessed

Archive for June, 2008|Monthly archive page

Feminist "Of A…" Titles

In Uncategorized on June 29, 2008 at 12:45 am

WARNING: THIS HAS BEEN MODIFIED FROM ITS ORIGINAL POST. I DID NOT INTEND FOR THIS POST TO SAY THAT ZACK WAS A GIRLY STUPID THING. I MEANT HIS SHEETS ONLY. THE ERROR HAS BEEN REMEDIED. PLEASE DISREGARD MY MISTAKE. AND ALSO FORGIVE MY TYPING IN ALL CAPS. LOVE, JOSH.

I think it is important to point out that people who write chick-flicks, or cinematographic scripts aimed at attracting homo-sapiens of the female persuasion, all have too much of the same pattern in their titles. It is always “[media form] of a [girly stupid thing]”. Allow me to point out a few examples.

Memoirs of a Geisha
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
Secret Diary of a Call Girl
Diary of Anne Frank
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (Parts 1 and 2)
Sex of the City
Diary of a Mad Black Woman
Grapes of Wrath
Song of Solomon
Designs of Zack’s Bedsheets
Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen
More will follow as soon as I obtain more intel. Please feel free to contribute. Totes.

One night in an an old person condo.

In Uncategorized on June 29, 2008 at 12:21 am

I currently am across the street from the Church Administration Building and Temple Square.  I never knew that one could find temporary lodgings just next to the Conference Center.  I won’t lie, the place is very nice.  In fact, it looks like the kind of place an old person would live in who was in denial about the fact that they should be in a nursing home.  Notwithstanding there are many great bonuses included with this room, Lowell John and I have been here for nought but two hours and we are already out of ideas of what to do here.  Since I arrived here at 10:30 pm on a Saturday night, it was too late for us to go out and try to find food.  I had a late lunch and therefore went without dinner.  

In our starving condition we were forced to sustain ourselves on a Crystal Lite concentrate, since we didn’t have a pitcher to make the 2 quart yield, we split the powder into two glasses.  The concoction was of such strength that I rediscovered all the open sores that have ever been in my mouth.  The pain was tremendous.  There was also a 1/2 quart container of various melon, primarily cantaloupe and honeydew, and a single grape.  Knowing that we would be unable to shop or otherwise obtain food the entire next day, I took one piece of honeydew and decided to conserve the rest for the next 36 hours of contingent sustenance.
After exhausting our food reserves, Lowell and I tried to find activities to entertain us that did not involve food, for we had none.  Being in a temporary lodging for old people, we had to get creative and use only the old-people items.  We did the following:
Gargled the bottle of distilled water that was intended for the iron. (Who actually uses distilled water for their iron?)
Folded the movie rental guide into a paper airplane and tried to throw it from across the hall into the toilet bowl directly at the end.
Blasphemed the Gideons’ Bible.
Rubbed the makeup remover towelettes on our bare faces.  The resulting burning thereafter was tremendous.
After fishing the paper airplane out of the toilet, Lowell started throwing it into other glass objects.  Then he went back to desecrating and blaspheming the Gideons’ Bible.
Tore the phonebook with our bare hands.
Made play clothes out of the curtains just like on the Sound of Music.
Made our voices sound like Darth Vader by talking into the fan.  
Lowell started throwing the plane into the fan.
Finally found a pitcher to make the lemonade in.
Made the coffee.
Made the tea as well.
Tied the clothes hangers to floss and used our beds as boats and went fishing for miscellany strewn upon the ground (the sea).
Texted my fashion consultant/wedding planner at 1:00 am.
In conclusion, I believe a life spent this way every night in addition to days filled with golf, bingo, bocce ball, fishing, puzzles, games involved with dominoes, wearing shoes with velcro straps, driving very slowly, criticizing modern music, and eating cups of vitamin tablets, is really the best way to spend the golden years of my life.

Facebook Friendship Census

In Uncategorized on June 26, 2008 at 9:41 pm

I recently passed the 750-facebook friend milestone this last week. I found that number to be a skoach high considering that my text messaging history consists of texts from two ex-roommates, one future roommate, one dad, my harsh fashion consultant/wedding planner, and a girl who wanted to know where she could find my brother. Since my dad is not on facebook, that left me with 747 other friends that I should be keeping tabs on. I took a look at my list of friends and I took a little census of the R’s. Here is some interesting data I found:

1 future roommate (Rahlf)
1 Former home-teachee
6 married people
5 mission buddies
3 total strangers
1 fake facebook profile (Bubb Rubb)
1 girl who hates me
1 arch-nemesis (BYUSA President Ruri)
1 blind date
1 guy who robbed me
1 other girl who hates me
1 friend of a friend
1 club companion
1 distant cousin
2 stalkers
1 office-seeker
1 guy who robbed me
1 sister missionary
1 neighbor’s girlfriend
1 girl more who hates me
1 guy I hate
and 1 guy I met at an FBLA conference

Big Beard on Campus

In Uncategorized on June 26, 2008 at 9:21 pm

I am currently writing from my vacation in Utah. Some have reminded me that I live there 9 months out of the year. Yes, I am keenly aware of my residential status in Utah, particularly in Happy Valley, home of the Utah Valley University, which is home of former students of Utah Valley State College, which is home to many girls and guys who will be dilluting the gene pools in the Student Singles’ Wards in the area.

In any case, I decided to go to BYU disguised as a UVU student as part of my vacation. I wore all my regular clothes and I hadn’t shaved in a week. So I went to the advisement center for the college of nursing, and told the man that I needed counseling and a nurse. After that I asked him if it was against the rules for BYU students to carry handguns on campus. When he told me no I got real uneasy and started squirming in my chair and wringing my hands together. Then I asked him if they sold anti-depressants in the bookstore.

The gentleman gave me a 3-year academic map, a list of other Registered Nursing programs in Utah, and a recommendation for me to consider being a Poli Sci or Engineering major.

Junkmail Quiz Response

In Uncategorized on June 26, 2008 at 8:12 pm

You know those quizzes that people send to you and they ask you to respond and send it back and then send it to 10-15 other people? I haven’t responded to one of these since I was in middle school. But this one I received from my mother. Who honestly is going to ignore the personal quiz from their own mother? So I took the quiz and here is what my responses were, just so you can get to know me a little better:

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yeah, my older sister. They named her then they named me after her.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Probably right after ram got drunk and beat her.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Better than my handfrying, handbleeding, or handfalling-off.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? The World Hot Dog Eating Championships on ESPN2.
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? 2 sons in the mission field.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I’d give it a try, then write a rap song about bein’ friends wit yo’ self.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT? No, but there is a heavy tinge of irony to my multifarious verbiage.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS Yes
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? And bungee hop, bungee leap, bungee dive, bungee pirouette, and other bungee aerial moves.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Boxed
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No, but I undo the two velcro straps.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Well, I think ram are stronger, but I think ewe are strong as well.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Cucumbers with eucalyptus salve
14 WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Whether or not they have put cucumbers with eucalyptus salve on their ice.
15. RED OR PINK? The former this morning, I don’t recall ever doing the latter.
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? What’s not to like?
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Whoever I’m aiming at.
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? No
19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? no pants, no shoes (the bosses are out of the office on lunch and the secretary is in the front room)
20. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? the air conditioning
21. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? If I were a crayon, my knowing my color would be the least of my problems.
22. FAVORITE SMELLS? Yes she does.
23. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Some guy in jail
24. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Absolutely
25. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH You’ll have to ask him, but I doubt he’ll answer. Timepieces don’t play sports.
26. HAIR COLOR? Never met him, but I heard Frau Color is a very nice lady.
27. EYE COLOR? Me too, I dabble in the arts.
28. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? If he wants to, but it’s hard to keep in touch, him being all the way in Beijing.
29. FAVORITE FOODS? Whatever is placed in front of me.
30. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings
31. LAST COUPLE OF MOVIES YOU WATCHED? Life is Beautiful, Annie Hall
32. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? I am pretty sure they go topless.
33. SUMMER OR WINTER? I’ve never met the other one, but Nat had a huge crush on Summer.
34. HUGS OR KISSES? Orange peel
35. FAVORITE DESSERT? Mohave
36. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? 911 Emergency Response
37. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Was dog a doughnut?
38. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Last night and this morning I read The Motley Fool Investment Guide, Speeches that Changed the World, The Miracle of Forgiveness, I finished the Book of Mosiah, I finished C.S. Lewis’ “Beyond Personality” during lunch today as I was walking back to the office from the bank, and I am reading the biography of Abraham Lincoln.
39. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? the mouse
40. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Reaper, So You Think You Can Dance, America’s Got Talent
41. FAVORITE SOUND? Laughter
42. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? I prefer tires, but you take whatever you get at the top of the mountain.
43. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Chile
44. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? No sense of shame.
45. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Santa Monica, California ______________________________

Breakfast at Tiffany’s

In Uncategorized on June 26, 2008 at 7:45 pm

Today I watched the film Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I know, I’m just as surprised as you are. Who would have ever guessed that they made a movie out of that song? Ironically enough the movie never once played the song by the multiple-hit wonderband Deep Blue Something. In fact, the movie had several variations on the Harry Mancini song “Moon River.” Now, I think the tune is timeless. If Lawrence Welk and Andy Williams can both make a version out of it then you know we’re dealing with a song for the ages. However, I take issue with one of the lines “We’re after the same rainbow’s end– waiting ’round the bend, my huckleberry friend, Moon River and me.”

My huckleberry friend? Is that the best thing you can think of to go to rainbow’s end with?

In any case, I love Audrey Hepburn. She can be my huckleberry friend anytime.

Maiden Post

In Uncategorized on June 26, 2008 at 7:34 pm

Dear readers,

This is the first post of a series of musings and brain purges. I have been asked to use this blog to make public my criticisms on issues I know nothing about, judgments on people I don’t understand, and jokes at others’ expense. You can expect that I will address the following topics:

Racist jokes
Dating hazards
My quiet enemyship of BYUSA
Bragging about myself
Current events
Classic movies
Oldies music, particularly 80’s classic rock
Literature
My struggles with choosing a major and career path
Affirmative action (Which I still support and take advantage of)
South American carbonated beverages
Relationships
Unfortunate events that make me laugh (which goes along with relationships)

Rest assured I will likely be shutdown by the blog police who will think this was a robot generated blog after I make but one post before forgetting this exists, which incidentally was the fate of my former blog “The Josh.”

Cheers,

JG