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Archive for April, 2009|Monthly archive page

134th Ask Josh – Arch Nemesis

In Uncategorized on April 29, 2009 at 10:52 am

by Huss…

If you were a superhero, what would your ArchNemesis be like? And would you capitalized ArchNemesis or leave it archnemesis to put him/her/it in his/her/its place?

….

Dear Huss,

Enemies? I am sorry to say I have many. Even though I am Type-AB, White personality (motivated by peace), there yet remains people out there seeking to destroy peace, humor, happiness, justice, and the American way.

They form a little something I like to call The League of Miscreants.

Before I begin, Allow me to introduce the League of Miscreants as now presently constituted, just so you can appreciate their leader, my soon-to-be-imagined arch nemesis.

1. All Jeffs. This includes my co-worker, Jeff Anderson. Just look at that monster.

Jeff Bartholomew.
I once tried to melt him by throwing a garbage bag full of water into his stall when he was using our dorm bathroom. And yes, even Donnie Jeffcoat, former host of the Nickelodeon game show Wild and Crazy Kids.

2. Nathan Toone – We are love rivals, pitted one against the other. Always trying to date the same women. He knows it, I know it, and now the American people know it.

3. BYUSA – Just because they keep trying to give me reasons not to hate them.

4. The Lazer Tag place on 4oo N and 100 W. All I can say of this once happy place is that they will allow physical violence in their arena rather than lose $8 by kicking out people who throw punches over a silly game. The only thing necessary for evil to win is for good men to do nothing. This place employs cowards, and allows violent alpha males to reign. Even more than belligerence, I detest cowardice. They ruined Dane and Casey’s birthday for me. I’m not going back until someone is fired.

5. Tunnel Singers – No explanation required.

6. The cleaning check ladies at Foxwood apartments and condos. – They are the great perpetuators of social injustice, and perspicacious persnicketry. The only misfeasors I have ever seen who actually don’t even mind in the least that they are getting caught in their act of most abominable conduct. Their racket includes giving you a strict list of things to do in order to pass cleaning checks. They come in and inspect to see if you fulfilled all the tasks on the list. If you fail, or rather, if they say you fail, they “clean” it themselves (this usually is one additional wipeover with a paper towel), and charge you a premium rate for their so-called services. Some problems with this: they are free to fail anyone they want, work as much as they want, and charge as much as they want. This is far too much power for one person to have: to have permission from Foxwood management to enter into my apartment, tell me that my standard of living is unsatisfactory, then work for an unbounded amount of time at a nonnegotiable price, only to leave my apartment no better than it was before they came in. The cleaning checker gets to keep the money she takes by failing the renter. Thus, the cleaning checker has the incentive to fail as many people as she can. That is to say, she has the incentive to cheat. And she does. Since there is no independent auditor to check her work, the renter always loses in this situation. She will always have a job because she has the ability to scare renters into scrubbing until their finger joints snap backwards and then she need only wipe over a job already done and claim it as her own work. Shame on you, cleaning check lady. Shame on you.

I give a personal example: I spent more than an entire working day to do one of my assignments. I was scheduled to be inspected the day of my brother’s graduation ceremony. I had to work all day, miss his graduation, only to fail anyways. One of my assignments was to clean the kitchen floor. I swept, I mopped, I scrubbed on hands and knees every visible trace of uncleanness, mopped again, swept again, mopped yet again with bleach, and I was barely able to pass the fourth time around because I was looking right over her shoulder and she “let this one slide” as if her allowing me to pass was some kind of a gift only bestowed upon me because of her merciful nature. Oh, please!

Second example: My roommate, Dexter, was unable to schedule a cleaning checkout time before the time he was due to leave for Malaysia. He paid some friends $100 to make his apartment inspection-ready. They two of them came and, after a few hours of work, thoroughly fulfilled all the requirements on the sheet. When the inspector came along, she shook her head, tsk tsk’d the job, and then used a paper towel to wipe over a few things. Her report of her work literally was “just some touch ups.” Her charge: $32.50! She charged $32.50 to wipe a paper towel over the corners of our drawers, touching all of our utensils with her unwashed, toilet-scrubbing hands all along the way.

Truly, the enemy is here and, alas, I am forced to fight the battles within the walls of my own home against an enemy that must think itself ever so noble for being a working mother who has ventured outside her home to take on such an onerous livelihood. I respect those who work dirty jobs for a living. I myself have had to pump gas, scrub floors, dig trenches, break rocks under the hot sun, clean bathrooms, empty garbage, work construction, work demolition all for wages that have not been able to bring me above the official government poverty line. I have had plenty of manual labor. I think manual labor is noble in itself. But taking advantage of poor college students to make a fast buck? Yes, you have a family to feed. Yes, the managers have an interest in keeping their own jobs. Yes, the owners have an investment to protect. Yes, some college students trash their apartments and should be charged accordingly. But you, un-checked, non-independently-audited cleaning check woman, you and I are enemies, and will remain so until you can learn to leave well enough alone.

This day, I do declare war on cleaning checks.

I have to go to work now. But now I’m so mad I can’t even fathom what my arch-nemesis must be like. I always thought it would be some guy who was just slightly funnier than me, slightly smarter, slightly better looking, in all ways just a little better. Except he was a jerk to girls and girls liked him more anyway. That man would get my goat. Especially if he spoke Italian and Russian. And if he was the BYUSA vice-president of some subunit that shouldn’t have been invented by the presidency, like SHA or Human Resources. And he’s probably an accounting major from California. His career aspiration is to become a consultant. He lives in Belmont Apartments and he wears popped collars, wears flip flops year round, and only listens to Jack Johnson (I’m not saying I’m opposed to any of those things myself, that’s just how my arch nemesis is).

And he was good friends with the cleaning check ladies and they always passed him off even though his apartment was atrocious.

My arch nemesis probably plays lacrosse and water polo.

When he goes roller skating, he gets regular skates instead of roller blades and he goes very fast, backwards.

He is likely dating one of my co-workers. They always do.

One time I was in the Wilkinson Center Terrace just doing a little improvisational standup comedy when he suddenly said something like, “….” You see? He didn’t say anything, he knew that all he had to do was to ignore me. It’s like a kid not believing in Santa, it makes Christmas spirit go away.

My arch nemesis likes to go hiking all the time, and hang gliding, and he enjoys hot-tubbing all the time, most of the time at the hot springs.

He probably owns a pair of leather pants.

He has 16/20 vision.

He hates So You Think You Can Dance because he believes that even the best contestants on the show aren’t nearly as good as the worst dancers at Juilliard.

He has probably come to my office before asking for advice.

He probably has a class with me and he asks the professor really stupid multiple choice questions. “So would you say that casinos are responsible for the decline of Native American societies or was dog a doughnut?” The professor is always too nice to tell them that their being admitted to college was a mistake.

He watches America’s Top Model.

I won’t say which political party he’s from. But it’s easy to guess. The same party that is the enemy of every good guy.

How I detest that man!

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133rd Ask Josh – Salsa Dancing

In Uncategorized on April 28, 2009 at 1:25 am

by

Dear Josh,

Will you please blog about dancing in a garage?

-Alyssa

….

Alyssa,

No. We got cut from that team.

Love,

Josh

132nd Ask Josh – $5 conversations.

In Uncategorized on April 28, 2009 at 1:19 am

by

hey josh , i had this weird dream but what would you do if you had to pay 5 dollars to the state just to have a conversation with a friend or anybody in person… ?

….

hey singer_chick463,

If I had to pay 5 dollars to the state just to have a conversation with a friend or anybody in person, I would start the underground railroad of conversations and allow people to talk for a mere $2. People would come use my services because it is a mere pittance compared to going government rate. Sure I might get arrested. But when they ask me in court, I won’t say a thing. And neither will the district attorney. No witnesses will come forward, because they know they’re getting ripped off just to testify in court. Who wants to pay $5 just to rat out the guy who is giving them the $2 deal?

The plan is perfect. BOO YA!

Or, every time someone came up to talk to me I would say, SHUN. Then buy a footlong sandwich at Subway with the money I saved by shunning them.

Someone else would come up to me and I would also say, SHUN. Then I would enjoy 4 roast beef sandwiches from Arby’s.

I know friendships are important. But a guy just can’t live without sandwiches. And baby, I don’t even want to try.

You know if you say ping pong backwards it’s Gnip Gnop? I love that.

Josh

131st Ask Josh – 209 Lovers

In Uncategorized on April 28, 2009 at 1:11 am

by Allison Marquitta Hawkins

Who loves you from 209?

….

Dear Al,

Nobody.

Loves,

Josh

130th Ask Josh – Visiting

In Uncategorized on April 28, 2009 at 1:08 am

by

Josh… I am going to miss you in the fall! I am starting to regret moving to a different apartment complex because our ward here is SO awesome! But I didn't realize so many people would be staying! Will you still come visit me? And ask me for hair/dress/dating advice? Please?

……..

Jessie Kay,

Did you not just read my last post? I don't have time to visit anyone! I don't even have time to ask for hair advice! Which puts me in a particularly difficult position because my current BYU barbershop haircut makes me look like Lloyd Christmas on Dumb & Dumber.

No. The answer is no. I have finally reached the point where the number of first dates I have gone on no longer gives me bragging rights.

It's time to be a big boy now.

So you come visit me. I have work enough to do.

Miss your face.

Love,

Josh

129th Ask Josh – To Do list / Hinge year

In Uncategorized on April 28, 2009 at 12:58 am

by

Josh- you just had a birthday. What are your top ten goals for the next year of your life???

….

MissKris,

Yes, I did have a birthday. Thanks for noticing. I am 23 years old.

Much of the rest of my life rides on the decisions I make in the next year. Until I sat down to write this, I just about completely spaced that nifty little fact. Here are some things I have to take care of in the next year:

10. Possibly living without health insurance for the first time in my life.
9. Graduating from college.
8. Keeping my new year's resolution to read a Jane Austen novel, a Harry Potter, and finish a Twilight series book.
7. Applying to graduate school
6. Applying for Teach For America and possibly picking up and leaving to a rural or inner-city school… all by myself. What will I do without Nat?
5. Coming to grips with the possibility that I may not get into BYU Law or MPA program.
4. Actually starting a career in journalism
3. Balancing three jobs at a time this summer while doing research with a professor, doing the weather on TV twice a week, and preparing for the LSAT in June.
2. Being a SOAR Counselor.
1. Getting married or living single. I never thought I would be in this position. I have to come to grips with the reality that I may still be single when I graduate. That may mean moving anywhere in the country to pursue further education or even a career all by myself. I haven't really worried about it. My days of sniffing the roses in Provo are numbered.

Oh my gosh, I thought I would be able to write down all my top ten goals in just two or three entries and then fill the rest with the frivolous tripe that often plagues my blog. There is so much work to be done. If the wide doors of destiny swing on tiny hinges, this is my hinge year.

Thanks for forcing me to put my life into perspective.

Love,

Josh

128th Ask Josh – the good ones

In Uncategorized on April 19, 2009 at 12:32 am

Anonymous Virginian said via text message…


i’m not going to ask my real question but i’ll ask a different one. good? here goes. i can’t seem to meet the right kind of guys. whenever i meet one i think is awesome he turns out to be either a jerk or a bit…um…one-track-minded. where do i go to meet the good ones???

…..

Dear Virginian,

There’s nothing new here. Pete Seeger wrote it. Peter, Paul, and Mary repeated it. Mary Travers and the Kingston Trio did it again. And if they all did it, you know Joan Baez had to rip it off as well. “Where have all the flowers gone? Long time passing. … Where have all the young men gone?”

When will they ever learn?

Paula Cole rephrased it, “Where have all the cowboys gone?”

Flannery O’Connor framed the problem quite nicely, “A good man is hard to find.”

I decided to take my band of motley miscreants out to find the good ones. Since you are a BYU student I imagine you want me to only tell you where the good ones are somewhere in Happy Valley, nothing beyond Payson or Lehi preferably.

Well, I looked around for all things that were both male and good, simultaneously. Well, the easiest place to find one is in the grocery market. I went to Albertson’s and found both individuals and boxes of Mr. Goodbar.








Now, I realize that women love chocolate. But I also realize that many of them are allergic to peanuts. In fact, the more women I meet, the more believe that all women are lactose intolerant these days. So I figured that I would have to find a more hypo-allergenic solution to the female debacle of:
a. finding a man
b. finding a good man
c. finding a good man who contained neither milk nor peanuts.
d. finding a good man who contained neither milk nor peanuts and was human.

I searched high and low to find him. Here he is:

After watching this film I realized that even John Goodman is not quite what women are looking for. Partially because of the fact that he is John Goodman, perhaps more so because of his disturbing obsession with triangles and his delusional talking with purple mop people as made manifest by the last video if you were able to watch it, the problem furthered still by the fact that he is married and has a drinking problem (according to Wikipedia). So the search became even more complicated:
e. finding a good man who contains neither peanuts nor milk, is human, not John Goodman, not creepily obsessed with triangles, does not have a drinking problem, not married, does not talk to muppets.

I looked in the BYU Student & Staff Directory (aka StalkerNet) to see what good men I could find. The search yielded 29 good men named Goodman, 17 were unlisted, 13 were girls, and there were some other androgynous and crazy names like Tiina (that’s not a typo, that’s Tina with two i’s: Tiina), Kawai, Schuyler, and Jorgen.

By the looks of the thumbnail of Jorgen’s Facebook profile picture it looks like some girl already found and claimed that Goodman.

Tough break.

But this was actually encouraging because I saw that while a Goodman is hard to find, it is not altogether impossible. If she can do it, I can do it.

The biggest disappointment of my search came when I found Kawai. It turns out that he isnot a good man at all, but rather a small horse wearing a diaper who head-butts missionaries.


I saw plenty of those in the mission field. I wouldn’t marry one. A good man can be especially hard to find when there are diaper-clad equines prancing around posing as good men, clashing heads with divine envoys.

But even if you did find a man of that name, what’s in a name? You don’t just want a Goodman. You want a man who is good, right down to the bone.

Well, I asked around. As you might guess, I am very well connected to people as I have over one thousand Facebook friends. Some friends of mine who are girls told me about their apartment complexes and I figured they might help me find the guys by process of elimination. If I just eliminated all the student housing where there weren’t any good, date-able men, then we could geographically isolate them and go there to look for them. If we know all the places where the men are not, we have fewer places to search to find out where they actually are.

Reports yield that you won’t find good men in the following places:

Alpine Village – looks like Auschwitz (thanks, Nat)
Arlington – morbid
Avenues – only date models
Belmont – obsessed with hot-tubbing
Campus Plaza – don’t have cars
Centennial – broke
The Colony – enjoy defacing their own apartment complex sign by blacking out the y in Colony.
Courtside – lazy
Coventry Cove – all over 55 years old
The Elms – music majors
Enclave – belong in the O.C.
Foxwood – cheap
Glenwood – attending Utah Valley University
Helaman Halls – creepy RMs
Heritage Halls – really creepy RMs
Hollywood House – live in Hollywood House
King Henry – goobery, nebbish, awkward, vandalous, slightly inbred, selfish with their parking spots.
Legacy – old-fashioned, really old-fashioned.
Liberty Square – predatory
Raintree – failing school
Riviera – paint their bodies for volleyball games and watching football games even though they’re just watching them on TV in their apartment
Roman Gardens – have diphtheria, possibly lead poisoning as well
Union Square – married
Wyview – pre-missionaries, you’ll have to wait.
Wymount – married and still living in the dorms.

As you can see, finding a good man is not easy for me either. Perhaps they all up and went to BYU-Idaho.

… ha ha ha. Oh boy. Sometimes I say crazy things.

Love,

Josh

127th Ask Josh – Tandem Bike Riding

In Uncategorized on April 7, 2009 at 5:47 pm

Phone number (209) ***-6608 said…

Do you want to go tandem bike riding with me?
…..
Dear Person,
I really can’t answer that question referring to you as Person. Based on your area code I see that you are from California. And I feel like I can safely bet you are a girl. So allow me start over:
Dear California Girl,
Just name the time and place. However, I should warn you, don’t go biking with me unless you plan on getting married. The last time I went tandem biking with a girl she ended up getting married really quickly… to someone else.
Loves,
Josh