128th Ask Josh – the good ones

In Uncategorized on April 19, 2009 at 12:32 am

Anonymous Virginian said via text message…

i’m not going to ask my real question but i’ll ask a different one. good? here goes. i can’t seem to meet the right kind of guys. whenever i meet one i think is awesome he turns out to be either a jerk or a bit…um…one-track-minded. where do i go to meet the good ones???


Dear Virginian,

There’s nothing new here. Pete Seeger wrote it. Peter, Paul, and Mary repeated it. Mary Travers and the Kingston Trio did it again. And if they all did it, you know Joan Baez had to rip it off as well. “Where have all the flowers gone? Long time passing. … Where have all the young men gone?”

When will they ever learn?

Paula Cole rephrased it, “Where have all the cowboys gone?”

Flannery O’Connor framed the problem quite nicely, “A good man is hard to find.”

I decided to take my band of motley miscreants out to find the good ones. Since you are a BYU student I imagine you want me to only tell you where the good ones are somewhere in Happy Valley, nothing beyond Payson or Lehi preferably.

Well, I looked around for all things that were both male and good, simultaneously. Well, the easiest place to find one is in the grocery market. I went to Albertson’s and found both individuals and boxes of Mr. Goodbar.

Now, I realize that women love chocolate. But I also realize that many of them are allergic to peanuts. In fact, the more women I meet, the more believe that all women are lactose intolerant these days. So I figured that I would have to find a more hypo-allergenic solution to the female debacle of:
a. finding a man
b. finding a good man
c. finding a good man who contained neither milk nor peanuts.
d. finding a good man who contained neither milk nor peanuts and was human.

I searched high and low to find him. Here he is:

After watching this film I realized that even John Goodman is not quite what women are looking for. Partially because of the fact that he is John Goodman, perhaps more so because of his disturbing obsession with triangles and his delusional talking with purple mop people as made manifest by the last video if you were able to watch it, the problem furthered still by the fact that he is married and has a drinking problem (according to Wikipedia). So the search became even more complicated:
e. finding a good man who contains neither peanuts nor milk, is human, not John Goodman, not creepily obsessed with triangles, does not have a drinking problem, not married, does not talk to muppets.

I looked in the BYU Student & Staff Directory (aka StalkerNet) to see what good men I could find. The search yielded 29 good men named Goodman, 17 were unlisted, 13 were girls, and there were some other androgynous and crazy names like Tiina (that’s not a typo, that’s Tina with two i’s: Tiina), Kawai, Schuyler, and Jorgen.

By the looks of the thumbnail of Jorgen’s Facebook profile picture it looks like some girl already found and claimed that Goodman.

Tough break.

But this was actually encouraging because I saw that while a Goodman is hard to find, it is not altogether impossible. If she can do it, I can do it.

The biggest disappointment of my search came when I found Kawai. It turns out that he isnot a good man at all, but rather a small horse wearing a diaper who head-butts missionaries.

I saw plenty of those in the mission field. I wouldn’t marry one. A good man can be especially hard to find when there are diaper-clad equines prancing around posing as good men, clashing heads with divine envoys.

But even if you did find a man of that name, what’s in a name? You don’t just want a Goodman. You want a man who is good, right down to the bone.

Well, I asked around. As you might guess, I am very well connected to people as I have over one thousand Facebook friends. Some friends of mine who are girls told me about their apartment complexes and I figured they might help me find the guys by process of elimination. If I just eliminated all the student housing where there weren’t any good, date-able men, then we could geographically isolate them and go there to look for them. If we know all the places where the men are not, we have fewer places to search to find out where they actually are.

Reports yield that you won’t find good men in the following places:

Alpine Village – looks like Auschwitz (thanks, Nat)
Arlington – morbid
Avenues – only date models
Belmont – obsessed with hot-tubbing
Campus Plaza – don’t have cars
Centennial – broke
The Colony – enjoy defacing their own apartment complex sign by blacking out the y in Colony.
Courtside – lazy
Coventry Cove – all over 55 years old
The Elms – music majors
Enclave – belong in the O.C.
Foxwood – cheap
Glenwood – attending Utah Valley University
Helaman Halls – creepy RMs
Heritage Halls – really creepy RMs
Hollywood House – live in Hollywood House
King Henry – goobery, nebbish, awkward, vandalous, slightly inbred, selfish with their parking spots.
Legacy – old-fashioned, really old-fashioned.
Liberty Square – predatory
Raintree – failing school
Riviera – paint their bodies for volleyball games and watching football games even though they’re just watching them on TV in their apartment
Roman Gardens – have diphtheria, possibly lead poisoning as well
Union Square – married
Wyview – pre-missionaries, you’ll have to wait.
Wymount – married and still living in the dorms.

As you can see, finding a good man is not easy for me either. Perhaps they all up and went to BYU-Idaho.

… ha ha ha. Oh boy. Sometimes I say crazy things.



  1. BA HA HA. Did you see your star performance on my blog??

  2. Oh Josh, I am seriously going to miss you. At least we’ll always have each other’s blogs. And facebook pictures, so we can still say “Love the faces!”

  3. So…I was crying while I read this. SO FUNNY.

  4. that video on John Goodman was funny! I think you’re jealous that you aren’t in the triangle club. lol Actually, that video got creepier and creepier. hah

  5. that video on John Gooman was funny! I think you’re just jealous that you aren’t in the triangle club. lol Actually it became creepier and creepier.

  6. That was awesome Josh! I have one more place to find men interested in commitment–a mental hospital.

  7. hah. i love this.

  8. …also your face.i think that goes without saying.

  9. Happy Birthday! (Well, I guess I’m a half an hour late)

  10. Josh- you just had a birthday. What are your top ten goals for the next year of your life???

  11. This has got to be one of the most clever yet.

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