joshguessed

Archive for December, 2008|Monthly archive page

84th Ask Josh – Family Problems

In Uncategorized on December 30, 2008 at 8:54 am

Janna said…

 

Why is it that familys hurt you the most?

 

…..

 

Dear Janna,

 

I have put this question off for some time now.  I am not going to try to offer you a solution, just an explanation, because that’s what you asked for.

 

I haven’t given this topic much thought. In fact, I have avoided thinking about it altogether.  As far as domestic abuse goes, there are few subjects about which I know less.  So instead of trying to concoct an idealist answer reflecting my ignorance and naiveté on the subject, I just put this one off.

 

I guess our family members have the ability to hurt us the most because we trust them the most.  When we love or trust anyone, we put them in a position of power. In effect, we give them authority to rend us. We become vulnerable. It’s a risk we run in hope that our love will be requited. C.S. Lewis put it this way:

 

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one.” [The Four Loves, 169]

 

Families, or anyone we love, hurt us the most because we trust them not to.  When they betray that trust, it cuts especially deep.  It reminds me of Antony’s speech in Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. After Caesar’s death, Antony said of all the stabs Caesar endured at the hands of his assassins, the stab from Brutus, his friend, was the killing wound. Antony said this:

 

For Brutus, as you know, was Caesar's angel:

Judge, O you gods, how dearly Caesar loved him!

This was the most unkindest cut of all;

For when the noble Caesar saw him stab,

Ingratitude, more strong than traitors' arms,

Quite vanquish'd him: then burst his mighty heart;

O, what a fall was there, my countrymen! [Act III, scene ii]

 

And Brutus had good intentions. He thought he was doing Caesar’s will. He thought he was doing what was best for Rome.  Our loved ones might have the best of intentions, as opposed to others who may spitefully attack us, yet it still hurts worse to receive accidental harm at the hands of those whom we love.

 

Now I gotta run. Jake and I are going skiing.

Happy New Years.

 

 

83rd Ask Josh – Christmas Review

In Uncategorized on December 28, 2008 at 1:11 am

LM asked via facebook…

did u [have a merry Christmas]?
….
Dear Lil,
You bet I did. Best Christmas ever.  
Some highlights:
The drive to Klamath Falls from Provo (normally a mere 12 hour sojourn) became a two-day trek with an overnight stay in Reno.  While there I ate at the Silver Legacy buffet, traveled all about Reno, spread Christmas cheer. 
Unexpectedly was asked to play piano at little siblings’ piano recital. I pulled off a decent rendition of Brahms’s Waltz in A-Flat major.  And this is how my face really looked.
Broke my windshield wiper on the way home. 
Protected my home against Nazi Zombies.
Little brother Jacob drove my car into a ditch.
Dad drove Suburban into a ditch.
Three of my favorite people from high school got married in the temple (two of them to each other).
I got the Complete Works of William Shakespeare in a single volume, the Collected works of C.S. Lewis, a neat embossing tool to stamp my books saying “The Library of Joshua C. Guest”, some gloves, a sweater vest, and everybody’s favorite gift: cash.
Read Stephen King‘s “On Writing”, Franz Kafka’s “Metamorphosis” (in a single sitting, mind you), Randy Pausch’s “The Last Lecture“, and I started Dumas’s “The Count of Monte Cristo” (so far I love it!)
Spoke with Elder Guest in Paraguay, the man is doing fine.
Ate Costco muffins.
Won Scrabble, lost Scrabble, lost at Risk, won Trivial Pursuit, everyone lost at Cash Cab, everyone lost at Identity Crisis.
Got to play with nephew Xander, he really enjoys knocking over towers I build out of his blocks. He is vicious, he does not leave one block on top of another.  He really clears the foundation.
So, yeah, it has been a good one.  The best part has been kicking back with the family.  They’re great.  I got a good one.
Woot woot!
P.S. Oh yeah, and I missed Kelda.  But I’m working on my aim.

82nd Ask Josh – Anonymous Attacks

In Uncategorized on December 26, 2008 at 12:59 pm

anonymous said…

Why are you so hostile towards the anonymous commenters? Sometimes its scary to ask questions..



Dear Anonymous,

I am not hostile to you. You know that I respect your wishes to be a non-existent person. Any hostility between us can be traced to that one time when you lashed out at me and my buddies on account of our inability to court. I may poke fun at you, but I’m not hostile to you. The only real issue I have with you is your grammar and spelling. You need to remember that it is it’s scary to ask questions; it is not its.

Go suck an egg.

81st Ask Josh – Personal Problems

In Uncategorized on December 25, 2008 at 7:42 pm

by Concerned Badly

dear josh…

this has nothing to do with questions then again maybe it does… why is it that people take things so personally, when they are not meant to be? and how do you not take things personally when they are meant to be taken that way? 

concerned badly

…. 

Dear Concerned Badly, 

Short answer: 

People take things personally because people are idiots. 

I do not take things people say personally because people are idiots.

Anyone who is offended by the word idiot is an idiot.

Less short answer:

Getting offended is a personal choice.  Elder David A. Bednar, just a year after he was ordained to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, said this: 

“[I]t ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else. … In many instances, choosing to be offended is a symptom of a much deeper and more serious spiritual malady.” (David A. Bednar, “And Nothing Shall Offend Them,” Liahona, Nov 2006, 89–92)

Elder Bednar tactfully says that being offended—or for our purposes, “to take things personally”—is a symptom of a much deeper and more serious spiritual malady.  May I suggest that the spiritual malady is that of being an idiot.

So, you ask how do I not take things personally even when people do mean to offend me?  I reckon it is because I always consider the source.  The person who is trying to insult you is saying more about himself (or herself) than he (or she) is saying about you. Any person with criticism worth listening to wouldn’t try to offend you; and any person who would deliberately try to offend you obviously doesn’t have any criticism worth listening to. 

Ergo, anyone who deliberately tries to offend you is an idiot; and anyone who can’t make this distinction is an idiot, and will be wrongly offended.

 So, there you have it. But then again, consider the source.

 

 

 

80th Ask Josh – Derek’s Deal

In Uncategorized on December 24, 2008 at 2:29 pm

Anonymous said…

What’s Derek’s deal?
….
Dear Anonymous,
Derek is a man too complex to have just one deal. He has several deals.  He has far too many for me to count.  I have tried to put my finger on them, but I can’t.  I have tried to put them into words, but I just can’t seem to do it.  I haven’t discussed Derek’s deals with friends or relatives.  All I know, is that he can get you up to 50% off at various online retailers in the United States and Canada.
To learn more about these deals go to http://dereksdeals.com
Merry Christmas,
Love,
Josh

79th Ask Josh – Pilferage Problems

In Uncategorized on December 21, 2008 at 12:16 pm

Dear Josh,
What do I do when I have a roommate who steals my things and has since disconnected her phone.

Sincerely,

Susan

……. 

Dear Susan,

 

You should

Have a lawyer write a letter of demand.

Have some guy sing angrily that he has a list of demands and that he wants his money back.  (Saul Williams, “Reparations”)

Get it back. (Roberto Benigni “Life is Beautiful”)

Try and crush him with a large boulder. (“Raiders of the Lost Ark”)

Don’t tell them about the trap set on the way out (same link as the boulder scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark)

Sell it to them before they steal it. (This is original.  A piece of original Josh Guest literature.)

Arrange for someone else to steal it before them (“Ocean’s Twelve”)

Destroy it (Scorched Earth Policy)

Report them to the police.

Report them to their employer (It stops me every time).

Report them to the mob (“The Sting” )

Steal something from someone associated with the mob and then allow the stealer to steal that and then let the mob take care of them (“The Italian Job “)

Meet with her later and have her turn out to be James Garner, the original Maverick , your dad.

Forgive. (The Bible )

Forget (Alzheimer’s)

Own nothing.

Get a new roommate.

Turn all your things into holograms.

Cut off her hand (Hamurrabi’s Code, I originally found some YouTube clips of people actually getting their hands cut off. I decided that if you wanted to see hands getting severed bad enough, you wouldn’t need my help finding it.).

Shtick her in the eye (See Homer’s Odyssey, or this delightful clip from O Brother Where Art Thou, skip to 7:10 to get to the good stuff).

Break stone tablets over her head (That’s in the Bible, right?). 

Fine her (This is really big in Singapore. T-shirts to tourists say “Singapore is a fine city.”).

Cane her (Also big in Singapore. T-shirts to less well-behaved tourists say “Singapore: Raising cane.”).

Merry Christmas.

78th Ask Josh – Skipping

In Uncategorized on December 15, 2008 at 2:14 pm

Darkwing Duck said…


How come you arbitrarily skip people's questions?

…..



77th Ask Josh – Handout Promotion

In Uncategorized on December 15, 2008 at 2:13 pm

Ok Josh, I have a question…

Can I ask you a favor? I don't know if you got my facebook message but I need your help promoting a new site for spreading the gospel- sounds dorky, i know. ha ha. But if you could offer a link or a friendly post that would be great.

The site is AboutTheMormons.com. I know you have a great readership on GuestMusings and there's quite a few people who follow your blog so it would be great exposure if you could help me out.

Thanks man. I hope you have a merry Christmas.



Dear Preston, 

No.

Love,

Josh.

76th Ask Josh – Weird It

In Uncategorized on December 15, 2008 at 12:00 am

Dear Josh,
How much of an age difference can a couple have without it being weird??
….
Dear Anonymous,
With you, it will always be weird. Partly because anything known as an “it” is weird. So no degree of age proximity will make “it” any less weird. And also, you don’t exist. That will complicate your relationship for alway.
I have heard a very opinionated girl [looks briefly at Lindsay] say that the legal standard is half of the man’s age plus 7 years.  So, in theory, if I am 22, which I am, I am allowed to date girls who have attained unto the age of 18.  When I am 30, I will be allowed to date a 22-year old; when 40, I can date a 27-year old. But I just don’t buy that.  Because using that system, I would have had to go on my first date with a 15-year old (and that’s against the rules).  And if I had decided to date when I was 10, I would have had to date a girl who was 2 years my senior.  So the system is obviously broken. And if I was 10,000,000,000 years old, in theory I could date a girl that was 5,000,000,007. That’s nearly 5 billion years younger than me! Pardon my saying so, but that’s an entire geological era.  You can’t say that dating someone nearly 5 billion years younger than you isn’t creepy.  That’s worse than Ben Folds’ The Luckiest when he talks about being 50 years older than the girl who rides past his house on her bike.  And since Ben Folds wrote it, people say that he is an exception because  his creepy song is “like sooo sweet.”
Some people have been able to make it over the age hurdle.  Examples include:
Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas.
Catherine Zeta Jones was born in 1969, making her 39 years old. Now, we all know that Michael Douglas is the son of Kirk Douglas, who is Spartacus.  Spartacus was born in 109 BC, and Michael Douglas is 28 years younger than his dad, meaning he must have been born in 76 BC, making him 2032 years old.  Kudos to them.
Kate and Leopold
Meg Ryan was 40 years old when the movie came out in 2001, Hugh Jackman’s body was only 32 years old in appearance, but he had the 125 additional years from coming from the year 1876, they had a total difference of 117 years.  And women love it! They eat it up!
Celine Dion and Mr. Celine Dion
Celine Dion is 40 this year. Her husband, Rene Angelil is 66.  If we used the half-your-age-plus-7, they would have passed at this point.  But they were married in 1994, meaning she was 26 and he was 52. She was half his age! So I guess love knows no age boundaries.
But then again… that’s weird. And so are you, you anonymous, androgynous, impossible-to-identify specter of the blogosphere.
Happy 2nd day of Chanukah. 

75th Ask Josh – Boy issues

In Uncategorized on December 8, 2008 at 11:32 am

This is the 4th and final installment in the “Crunch Bar Ten Minute Fitting-it-all-in My Break blog series”

by

joshua c. guest,

it grieves me deeply that the heartfelt, harmonious feelings of adoration and affection that i once had for one who i so flippantly call my boyfriend have rotted, becoming stomach-felt, dissonant feelings of… well, vomit. i’m torn because i have been hiding my feelings so well that i wince at that thought of letting down my charade. but at the same time, he thinks i just have the stomach flu.

….
Dear Anonymous,
First of all. This isn’t a question.
Secondly, you have problems because your name is highly androgynous.
Thirdly, you don’t exist.
Thirdly again, this isn’t a question, no question about it.
Woot woot.
Love,
Josh