joshguessed

Archive for July, 2011|Monthly archive page

170th Ask Josh – Tasteless

In Uncategorized on July 9, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Dave Nemrow asked via facebook…

Please create a blog strictly on food. Is this too much to ask for a witty savage as yourself? Did you find the Mac lab when I saw you last?

Dear Dave,

I’d be happy as a clam to create at least a Post about food based on your order. Taking requests is my meat and potatoes. I know this may sound corny, but my blog isn’t worth a hill of beans if my readers don’t acquire a taste for my writing. I know that I am as busy as popcorn on a skillet, and committing to answer every single question may have been biting off more than I could chew, consequently my responses move about as fast as molasses. But once I get started, I can usually finish in just one sitting. It’s like they say, the way you eat an elephant is one bite at a time.

Question 1
So, to answer your first question: Is a blog on food too much to ask of a witty savage such as myself?
Well, wit and savagery are my bread and butter. Or rather, wit is my bread and savagery my butter, I mean, savagery is my bread and wit my butter. You know what, wit and savagery both serve as my various breads and various butters (Thanks, Mr. Allen).
Question 2
Did I find the Mac lab?
Well, yes. But who cares? That’s small potatoes compared to the more pressing issues of our day.
Conclusion
With Susan reading over my shoulder, it has just occurred to me that you wanted me to create a blog about food. With my exquisite taste I shall grant your wish.
Top 5 Hot Dogs
5. Polish Sausage at Costco
4. Beef dog at J-Dawgs – sauerkraut, banana peppers, grilled onions ketchup, spicy mustard, and the J-Dawg special sauce
3. Completo Italiano – Domino, in Santiago, Chile – chopped tomatoes, avocado, and mayonesa.
2. Sonoran Dog (or barrio dog) – Sabor de Tucson – hot dog, wrapped in bacon, on a circular roll, topped with pinto beans, onions, salsa verde, mustard, mayo, and a glass of horchata on the side.
1. Puka Dog – Puka Dogs in Kauai, Hawaii – Injected with mango relish, spicy garlic mayo, and wrapped in a warm, fluffy bread blanket.
Top 5 Burgers and Sandwiches — Susan said I should separate the two. But I don’t eat that many sandwiches.
5. Double Double – In ‘N Out Burger –
4. Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger on Sourdough – Jack in the Box – Make sure you get it on sourdough.
3. Crown Burger – Crown Burger in Salt Lake City – A juicy beef patty topped with pastrami.
2. The Woody Allen – Carnegie Deli – A whole lot of pastrami and whole lot of corned beef. Price is steep at $18.95, but it should last you three meals. Don’t forget to take a cheesecake to go.
1. Spicy Enticer – Sensuous Sandwich – Pastrami, italian sausage, and pepperoni with cream cheese.
Top 10 Beverages
10. Shirley Temples at California Pizza Kitchen – I know they’re pretty much the same everywhere you go, but CPK gives you free refills on it. Use it to fill in the extra room leftover from your tiny pizza.
9. Caffeine Free Dr. Pepper – Sold only in Utah – Leave the guar gum, take the caffeine.
8. White Gummy Bear – Jamba Juice – One of the secret flavors. No gummy bears were harmed in the making of this drink.
7. Fanta original red creme soda – They don’t make this anymore. They haven’t made it for at least a decade. But it’s delicious.
6. Vanilla Bean Frappucino – Starbucks – Makes any summer day into a great one.
5. The Virgin Pina Colada as Big as Your Head – Red Lobster – It’s not actually called that, but that’s what I tell the server to bring me. Makes a great addition to the Shrimp Fettucine Alfredo.
4. Tangerine Shake – I recently re-discovered this at Olive Garden after McDonald’s took it away over a decade ago.
3. Horchata – Los Caporales in Klamath Falls, OR, is the best I have ever had, but they have gone out of business. Sabor de Tucson makes the best stuff in Utah.
2. Peach Sprite – Red Robin or Utah Valley Regional Medical Center
1. LemonBerry Slush – Sonic
Susan wants to do her own post on food. So I have to go now. Bye.
Josh
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169th Ask Josh – Something Stupid

In Uncategorized on July 6, 2011 at 7:38 am

Walkawalkawalka said…

Do something stupid for our amusement.
….
Dear Walka Walka,
This is, without question, not a question (Waka waka!).
Still, true to the code. Here’s something stupid, which I happen to be doing. Hopefully you may find it to be to your amusement.

http://www.youtube.com/get_player

If that isn’t stupid enough for you. Here’s more of the same. Also stupid.

http://www.youtube.com/get_player

And remember what Voldemort said: A bathroom cleaner is not a bathroom cleaner unless it leaves your bathroom cleaner.
Love,
Josh

168th Ask Josh – Soulmate Revisited

In Uncategorized on July 1, 2011 at 3:49 pm

RV asked:

Did you really make Susan take a picture of you with your fake soulmate?
…..
Dear Recreational Vehicle,
I did.
Dear Readers,
Here is the backstory to Mr. Vehicle’s question:
Back in March 2009 I posted a story about my experience in the Missionary Training Center where the Elders joked that a certain sister who shall remain unnamed (mostly because I don’t know her name) was my MTC soulmate.
One mission and a few additional years later I happened to run into her on campus, in poster form.

From this I learned that she was either a model, an accountant, a model accountant, all three or none of the above.
A couple more years and a marriage later I was in the University Mall with my wife and in-laws, eating a cup of Cold Stone’s worst ice cream flavor (hazelnut). Then I look over my shoulder and there she is… again.
I asked Susan for permission to introduce myself to the stranger. Susan said no. So all I got was this photo:
If that picture alone wasn’t enough to make you think less of me, here is a list of things we concluded about her:
My old, false alarm soulmate:
  • First name Hermana
  • At least 27 years old (unless her father was a mission president which could mean that she is at least 26)
  • An accountant, a model, or a model accountant.
  • Likely to be living in Provo, Orem, or somewhere in Happy Valley.
  • Married, engaged, wearing a fake ring to throw people off, or unaware that she is wearing a ring.
Can’t see it? Okay, we’ll zoom a little further.
  • She prefers strawberry or other pink-colored frozen dairy desserts, or she just puts a lot of food-coloring in her hazelnut-flavored shake.
This is what we know.
Also, on an unrelated note. I ran into one of my old arch-nemeses earlier that day. He’s in my stake. And we both were volunteering at the Cub Scout Olympics. I ran the horseshoe booth while he was off probably timing sprints or setting an obstacle course or something, that unconscionable miscreant.
There he is. Some things never change.
Blech. I can’t stand to write anymore just thinking about him. Thanks for re-opening my old wounds, Rec.
Love,
Josh