Archive for February, 2009|Monthly archive page

114th Ask Josh – Why so behind?

In Uncategorized on February 28, 2009 at 6:29 pm

The Captain said…
Josh, how did you get so far behind on your questions?

Dear Captain,
I got so far behind on questions because I just can’t seem to keep up with the good questions. Some I have started over several times and thrown out. Sometimes I just lose track because I get questions stored up on my facebook wall, facebook inbox, my comments page, my email account, even on my phone.
Some questions I am behind on require questions with serious research and work.
Here are some of the questions I have to get to:

  1. “Help me find a man who will love me”
  2. “How can I get Josh Guest to fall in love with me?”
  3. “Say you are a girl and you like a guy, how do you get the guy to like you back?”
  4. “Josh say a girl likes a guy, what can she do to get the guy. What are things they can do and things they shouldnt do to get the guys attention. How can we clue you guys in with out being to blunt, or do guys like that?”
  5. “say a girl likes a particular guy, what can she do to clue him in, or win his heart. What do guys like us to do, and what should we not do. I need your help and wisdom on this one and I think a guys perspective could be very useful. What would a girl have to do to win your heart?”
  6. “Will you please blog about dancing in a garage?”
  7. “I went to a sealing and it was said that we have to like who we marry as the foundation of loving them, because somedays we won’t love them, but we must always like them. what do you think of that? because aren’t we supposed to love all?”
  8. “Why won’t you answer my questions?”
  9. “When are you going to answer the question that you asked yourself when you were pretending to be me, when we were sitting in that room with my roommate’s boyfriend and her boyfriend’s boyfriends and her boyfriend’s aunt and uncle and the house smelled good on account of their making fajitas, but other than that, they were Froot Loops and it was like we were stuck in a box of Goobers or Raisinettes?”
  10. “So sometimes girls turn me down when I ask them out and give the excuse that they are busy or something that sounds legit. How do I know when they really are busy and I should ask them out for another time or when they are trying to nicely hint that they aren’t interested in the least bit?”
  11. “So what makes Star Wars so great? And Rocky movies too. And what are the other classic guy movies? And what are your thoughts on chick flicks? What is it that makes women love the Notebook and why do nerds love Lord of the Rings?”
  12. “Which books do YOU most highly recommend?”
  13. “Josh I’m really tired during the day but I get a full 8 hours of sleep. Is it something im eating? Do I need a new workout plan? If so what would be the best workout plan?”
  14. “Ahem, do you have any ideas or thoughts on an improved healthcare system in America? I feel universal healthcare has good intentions in which they want to make sure every single person is insured BUT the quality of doctors, nurses, physicians, etc.. falls. With the system we have now, what about the young people in this nation who are no longer eligible to be included under their parents plan or people who do not have a job that offers health benefits and cannot afford a private plan and don’t qualify for state programs or Medicaid? What about the people with pre-existing conditions? Do you have any thoughts?”
  15. “if a guy writes you a “nice note” on Sunday with no reason really- meaning you didn’t do anything and throws in “I love your smile by the way” at the end.. does he want you? Or is he just a “nice guy?” 
  16. “another question? If a girl is interested in a guy, naturally we get nervous around you.. if you guys are friendly and pay attention to us only sometimes (wave, smile, ask how you are, say hi, shoot the breeze a little bit) but then other times is talking to another girl but keeps looking at you but doesn’t give you attention. Obviously our confidence is shot and we end up not talking to the other and left wondering.. how do wave the flag and let them know we’re interested without scaring them away? and how do we know if they are interested at all in us?”
  17. “I’ve heard you’re an expert at doing a dance move called “The Whip.” Do you think you could show me how it’s done? Maybe even with a backpack on?”
  18. “How fabulous is that [dancing]?”
  19. “think you could answer it in a little more detail?” [regarding an older question that upon which he/she wanted more clarification”
  20. didn’t you already answer number 10?”
  21.  “how many of these questions were actually authored by you?”
  22. “i miss you. do you miss me too? how often? what triggers it? how excited are you to see me again?”

There may be even more questions out there. But I can’t find them. But as you can see, I have a lot of catching up to do. Questions, questions about questions, and sometimes just outright requests. I have a lot to do. There is so much to research. But I, like Bob Seger, have “deadlines, and commitments, what to leave in, what to leave out.”

Believe me, if there was any chance for me to support a family by just answering questions, I would take it.  But until that time comes, this will remain a hobby.

But thanks for all your questions. Sorry if it has been such a long time coming. 



113th Ask Josh – Regularly Scheduled Romance

In Uncategorized on February 24, 2009 at 10:44 pm

Lindsay said…

2 to 6 months?? are you out of your mind??

don't answer that.

but you can answer this one: what is, in your mind, a good time line for all thing romantic? (e.g. hand holding, kissing, officialocitiness, facebook statuses, meeting the family, engagement, wedding, etc.)?


Dear Lindsay,

If only the answer to your question could be etched in stone, so many relationship doubts would not have to perpetuate in the realm of man any further.

Here is my personal schedule. Disclaimer: When I say that this is my personal schedule, I do not mean that I always follow it. In fact, it is very likely that I may never follow it. The following is a normative agenda of dating life as I find prudent and forthcoming:

First date scenarios
1.) Perfect first date – Simple dinner, simple activity (miniature golf, bird watching, s, over in 90 minutes. 
Ends with: Handshake (of, if I am doubling with Zack, he kisses her goodnight).
2.) Extended first date – Nice dinner, semi-complex activity, 2-3 hours.
Ends with: Two-handed handshake (or a "hand sandwich" if you will), maybe a side hug if I'm feeling fresh that day.
3.) Marathon first date – Drive to Salt Lake, nice dinner, complex activity(-ies) – 4-6 hours. 
This may include walking arm-in-arm, or is it 'arm and arm'?
Ends with: Hugging and never speaking again.

Here is how some of my recent first dates actually went:
  • Indian buffet, the girl takes one trip, I take 4 before I get too embarrassed to have her watch me eat anymore. Miniature golf. RESULT: Hug. Still neighbors.
  • Walking in rain. Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" Laser Light Show. Texan food. Ice cream. RESULT: Hug. Ran into each other at a party one time since then.
  • California Pizza Kitchen. Taking neighbor's couch cushions and hiking the "I" and eating peaches and cream on top of the I. RESULT: Handshake goodnight. Second date.

Second date
Dinner again (I love dinner), perhaps even a picnic
Meets roommates and friends, play Settlers of Catan in order to gauge economic and diplomatic mettle.
Ice cream, custard, gelato, or other frozen treat.
Hand-holding is allowed but not recommended except under the following conditions:
1.) Some form of skating is taking place.
2.) Fingers are not interlocking
3.) Some form of skipping or otherwise lighthearted stride must take place in order to maintain a state of playfulness without establishing and/or implying commitment from either side unless previously discussed and agreed to by both parties during friendly encounters (see footnote) incidental to and not ancillary to the second date. 

Here is how some of my recent second dates have gone:
  • Lunch in the Eyring Science Center, playing with the toys in the Eyring Science Center. RESULT: Hug, never speaking again.
  • Thai Food and then playing Cribbage with the girl's family. RESULT: Hug, never speaking again.
  • Pizza, holding hands in downtown Provo, eating gelato. RESULT: Third date.

Third date
Disclaimer: In many cases I have gone on as many as a dozen dates with the same person without even considering the third date protocol hereafter mentioned:
1.) Man should have asked for permission from roommates to kiss the girl this time.
2.) Fingers should interlock in handholding.
3.) If the feeling is right… why not? Go kiss the girl, man. My research indicates that girls want to get kissed nearly as much as guys want to kiss.

Here is how some third dates actually went:
  • Watching "Dan in Real Life". Hot Cocoa. RESULT: Still friends.
  • Korean Food. Watching "Spiderman 3" RESULT: Hug. Never speaking again.
  • Costa Vida. Racquetball. RESULT: Went on a mission… just as good as never speaking again.
Determining the Relationship

Something about the BYU culture requires that both the man and woman sit down and discuss the reason why the guy is still asking the girl out and why the girl keeps on saying yes to these invitations.  I don't know anything about this still.  But I can imagine it goes something like this:
Boy: I need you, Boo.
Girl: I think I'm going to serve a mission.
Boy: Hey…
Girl: I know what you're going to say, and I've been praying about it and you and me dating just doesn't feel right.
Man: Have we met?
Girl to Journal:
Jan. 1, 2004 – Dear Journal, It is my freshman year and I am determined to not get married.
Jan.1, 2005 – Dear Journal, I am a sophomore now and I am being very careful to not get married.
Jan 1, 2006 – Dear Journal, I feel so old. I'm starting to feel like I'll never get married
Jan 1, 2007 – Dear Journal, I thought that it was part of the BYU contract that I would be engaged by the time I graduated. Boys at BYU are stupid.
Jan 1, 2008 – Dear Journal, I'm sure glad I'm on a mission now. I think one of the AP's has a crush on me. 
Jan 1, 2009 – Dear Journal, I am maxing out on minors I can add to my degree. Boys are stinky.
Jan 1, 2010 – Dear Me, this is you writing from the future. Pretty crazy, huh? Boys are stinky in the future, too. And all of the good ones in grad school are already married. Further instructions await. Sincerely, Future You.
Okay, I really don't know how they're supposed to go down. But they do go down.  
Meeting the Folks
I really don't know anything about this subject. The closest I have come to meeting the folks has been playing Cribbage on that second date and the other time was having the aunts get together and try to decide which member of the British Royal family I resemble most.
Here is when it is probably safest to go public on Facebook saying that you are in a relationship. And you can't say, "It's complicated…" or "In an open relationship with…" otherwise it will all be doomed very soon. I used to think that guys were afraid to go public, but it turns out that girls hate it more because they prefer to say they are "dating" someone but they don't like getting tied down to saying they are "boyfriend/girlfriend" with anyone, apparently these mean two completely different things that some completely single girl will be more than happy to explain to you.
Getting Engaged
I am so humbled to say that there is not a subject I know less about. You can be sure that by the time I know anything about getting engaged, this blog will long have been abolished because the girl will have made me delete the entire site before her parents found out about this blog. I guess some would-be mother-in-laws can't take a joke out there.
Sealing the Deal
The timing on this one can be any old time. You shouldn't need too much time to get married. I guess it only takes as much time to get married as it takes for you to collect all your friends' addresses by starting a groovy Facebook group inviting everyone to sign up for invitations.

“Friendly Encounter” def. – Any time spent together between members of the opposite sex that would count as a date but does not due to a lack of at least one of the three elements of a true date as defined by Elder Dallin H. Oaks. i.e. the outing is either not paid for, planned, or paired off. While the activity is not a date, per se, the girl and boy may end up in a dating relationship as a result of so many successful friendly encounters.

112th Ask Josh – Why Not Dating?

In Uncategorized on February 24, 2009 at 9:57 pm

My Sister asked…

Why won't you date the certain someone that I want you to date?


Dear Sis,




P.S. And because she is just not that into me.

111th Ask Josh – Rocks

In Uncategorized on February 24, 2009 at 9:52 pm


So…why aren't there enough rocks?

You'd think there would be.



It's hard to say. Probably something you did.  Or maybe it's just because Robin Wright Penn threw them all away.



110th Ask Josh – Staged Ballet-hoo

In Uncategorized on February 24, 2009 at 9:42 pm

Regarding this dance video , Lindsay asked this:

i love it. tchaikovsky is my favorite.

but what i really want to know is.. did you ask yourself that question so that you could post that video?


Dear Lindsay,

Yes. I asked that question. And yes, I wanted to post that video. 

I AM Registered Nurse.



Dear Readers,

Sorry this post was so lame. Here are some nice clips of a great entertainer, Victor Borge:

109th Ask Josh – Feelings

In Uncategorized on February 24, 2009 at 9:39 pm

Dear Freaking Josh Guest,

Can you describe how you felt last weekend in relation to your poor health? I mean I saw how you felt but I want you to put it in words.



Dear Jeremy,

It was awful. It was like being Stephenie Meyer. You might ask, "Why is being awful like being Stephenie Meyer?"

I'll tell you why it is rough being Stephenie Meyer: because she has to live with the mathematical fact that she is worse than Satan.

You may ask me, "How is it a mathematical fact that Stephenie Meyer is worse than Satan?"

Well, let's put it this way.  Based on what we know about Satan, he deceived one third of the hosts of heaven in the pre-existence, leaving two-thirds to come to earth.

Of those two-thirds remaining, Stephenie Meyer has deceived over half (because there are more women than men on the planet). Over one half of the residents of this planet is over one half of two thirds of the hosts of heaven, which is more than a third of the hosts of heaven. Ergo, Stephenie Meyer is worse than Satan.

And that's why I felt so awful.

108th Ask Josh – YouTube Blogging

In Uncategorized on February 24, 2009 at 9:29 pm


My question:

I'm trying to post a blog, but want to include some vids from youtube…how on earth do I get them in my blog?



Dear Elyse,

If you want to get the Jim Croce song "One Less Set of Footsteps" on your blog, you need to go to the right of the video and look at the gray box with the name of the person who posted the video. Just below the video description there will be two boxes. Copy the contents of the one that says URL if you want to post a link to the website on your blog.

If you want to have it embedded directly into the post you'll pick the size and color of the frame and then you just copy the URL right there and then BOOM! Jim Croce!

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value=""></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

Have a wonderful day!



107th Ask Josh – Pre-Mission-palooza

In Uncategorized on February 10, 2009 at 8:19 am

Alexis asked via facebook…


I have a question for your blog!!!

What are some good ways to spend the last month before leaving on a mission???

and no one wants to hire me for like, a month.

so i'm bored at home.


Dear Alexis,

You have about a week left. So here is how you spend your last week:

Read your scriptures.

Listen to the Johnny Cash later albums.

Speed read a C.S. Lewis book

Listen to (Don't read, listen) to: Cast Not Away, Therefore Your Confidence ; However Long and Hard the Road ; a Law of Increasing Returns ; Waiting Upon the Lord ; Come Unto Christ; Come Unto Me .   If you get all those done I can give you some more.

Speed read (or watch on YouTube ) the Last Lecture by Randy Pausch

Speed read "Serve With Honor" and "Preparation Precedes Power" by Randy L. Bott.

Play a game of Risk.

Get all the Mormon Tabernacle choir music you can onto a single mp3 cd.

Wear jeans.

Write a letter to some missionaries. 

Go swimming.

Watch Ben-Hur.

Watch "It's a Wonderful Life"

Watch "It's a Beautiful Life"

(Optional) Watch "Pursuit of Happyness"

If you can find the book, read "The Go-Getter" by Peter Kyne. This one will change your life.

Read (or watch on YouTube while reading) Henry's speech preceding the battle of Agincourt on St. Crispian's Day in Shakespeare's Henry V.

I gotta study for a test, get to work, take a test, get to class, go for a run, do a story.  So that's all for now.

Have a great mission. I'll come visit you when I come over for General Conference.



106th Ask Josh – Mr. Marriage

In Uncategorized on February 10, 2009 at 7:57 am

by Anonymous
Josh, in behalf of Brent Top, your teacher of LDS Marriage and Family; Prophetic Perspectives, I ask:

What are you doing to prepare for marriage?

Dear Anonymous,
I didn't want to put this essay as a post, just because I feel like I talk about myself enough on this topic ad nauseam. But if you want, you can look at it over here on The Drawing Bored , a repository for all those little things that we like to look at, but just don't want to put it on the actual blog.

105th Ask Josh – Monk-ey Business

In Uncategorized on February 8, 2009 at 11:34 am

D-Rob said…

Dear Josh,

Some friends of mine want me to go stay with them at a holy trinity abbey with some pre-catholic orthodox monks in northern utah. What should I do? Heres some information so you can make a educated decision.



Dear D-Rob,

Do what you need to do, then what you ought to do, then what you want to do.  As soon as you figure out which category your trip belongs to, you'll know what you should do. Or you might even think of it in terms of “good, better, best.” (See Dallin H. Oaks,’Good Better Best’ October 2007)

Here's some information so you can make an educated decision.