joshguessed

Archive for August, 2008|Monthly archive page

16th Ask Josh – iPod

In Uncategorized on August 28, 2008 at 10:59 pm

kelda said…

josh, i believe you got carried away!! question, if you have an mp3 / ipod, how many songs do you have on it?
……………
I have a little 4 gigabyte ipod, and I just got a free 8 gb iPod touch.  I filled the first one, it didn’t take long.  So any answer I give you will be ho hum unimpressive.
Give me another question. 

15th Ask Josh – Ideal Girl

In Uncategorized on August 26, 2008 at 10:50 pm

Anonymous said…

Describe the ideal girl down to the very last detail, and why.
…………
The idea girl?  This is a tough one.  The reason being that I have created in my mind what I thought was the ideal perfect girl, then once in a while a real live person comes along who totally blows the imaginary girl out of the water.  And then I ask myself, “Now why didn’t I think of that girl?”  
I’m supposed to be in bed now.  But I feel like I must answer this question.  I am very tempted to try and cater my answer to whomever I suspect wrote this question.  But I will respect the right that I have granted to you readers/questioners to maintain anonymity and I will answer your question truthfully.
Now then, I don’t believe that it is fair for a man (or a woman either) to describe the standards they hold for “the perfect mate” without holding themselves to that very standard.  So if my ideal girl sounds a little lame, it’s not because I have set my sights low, it just means I’m too lazy to make myself any better than that.
1. She is well rounded – The Bard said that that all the world is a stage and every man must play a part.  And there are many parts to be played.  I do not believe that complete obsession with a single role is healthy. I think it is important to at least dabble in anything that is “virtuous, lovely, of good report, or praiseworthy.” That means being active in sports, but also appreciating good books. Knowing how to be serious when the occasion calls for it, but laughing pretty much the rest of the time.  She doesn’t have to be an expert cook, but she can at least enjoy learning about cooking and experimenting, even if it doesn’t turn out very well.  She knows I won’t complain if it’s the same thing every night, or if it’s a new ruined thing either. And she can laugh at herself if that should be the case.  She’s fun in a group, she can help me work a room, but we get along great just one on one.  We can make each other laugh, and we can have deep conversation too. We can always find something to talk about but it’s not awkward if we feel like just sitting or walking quietly. She at least knows the basics of one musical instrument, and she has a rudimentary knowledge of one foreign language. She enjoys going to concerts and plays, but she can enjoy a sporting event, too.
She doesn’t have to like video games.
2. Church activity – For us it is understood: we are going to Church.  We’ll never debate over whether we are going to Church or pay our tithing.  We don’t turn down callings.  We enjoy watching conference together. We’re raising our kids to prepare them to serve missions and marry in the temple.   We do what the Church tells us.
3. Odor Honesty – This is difficult to describe.  I don’t like people who point out every little thing they see wrong with others. And I really enjoy praise and positive attitudes from people. But I love people who can candidly tell me the truth about what they smell. The true gems in my life are the people who are unafraid to tell me that my breath stinks, or my car smells bad, or my apartment reeks.  I believe my greatest fear is to go through life unaware of my own offensive odors, since I am used to my own smell, I could be driving away the entire world with a waft of air brushing past me, and I would be none the wiser.  This also applies for things like whether or not my shoes match my belt, or whether or not I’m allowed to wear certain colors on certain days or whatever.  Since I am not a fashion expert by any means, I love hearing suggestions.  While I myself would never tell someone I did not like their outfit, I am glad that some people exist with slightly less inhibitions who tell me like it is.
4. Family Oriented – I love my family.  I hope she loves hers. We’re going to have a great one of our own.
5. Sophisticated Thrift – I work hard to make myself employable.  I want to get a good education so I can provide my wife with whatever it is she wants.  I hope she has a taste for finer things.  But she can really make the pennies stretch while we’re waiting to reach that level.  We don’t mind buying used cars. We want to stay out of debt.  We’re willing to forego spending in some areas so that we can save for the future.  We want to be able to put our kids through missions and college.  I want to be able to retire early so we can enjoy more of our later years together.  That doesn’t have to mean I work 80 hour weeks for the first 10 years out of college, we just find ways to be disciplined and save and we will make it work.  She isn’t disappointed if we aren’t super rich, but she at least expects me to be motivated to do my best work without neglecting her and the kids.
6. Holds my hand – I love it when she does that.  I love it when she tells me to, too.
7. Tells the truth – Here’s my great ambiguity.  I suppose guys are expected to make the advances in the relationship and they’re supposed to pick up on signs that women drop.  I know I should naturally pick up on those and learn to read between the lines.  But even if that ideal girl isn’t for me (as the joke goes, “I just found the perfect woman.  Unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect guy.”) , she can tell me so.  Just like the odors, I like to be told if things aren’t going well, or if she isn’t happy, or if she’s uneasy about something.  If I’m not picking up the signs, I appreciate it if she tells me, “you’re supposed to hold my hand now” or “it’s okay, I don’t like to leave tips either.”
8. Trusts me – We’re each other’s confidants.  I like to talk. But I like to listen more. And she doesn’t worry that I am going to be upset or judgmental if she tells me the truth. She knows that I’m not going to use anything against her or push buttons that I know will hurt her.  She’s not ashamed or embarrassed about the way she feels or thinks, even if I don’t agree.  I consider it huge compliment if she has had the worst day (or the best day) and she can’t wait to tell me about it.
I was about to end right here.  But you said “to the very last detail, and why” So I suppose I have to keep going.  Since I can’t really go well with details, here are a few things we do together to help paint the picture a little better:
We stay in the library late and finish our homework.  Even if that means no flirting while we work.  We’re amorous, but not irresponsible.
We go to devotionals together.
We have inside jokes.
We like to hike.
We like to learn dances together. And we dance whenever we want.
We like to ride tandem bikes at all hours.
We like picnics anywhere.
We like to jog together.
We like to walk together when either of us doesn’t feel like jogging.
We don’t own pets (hey! I’m the one describing the ideal one here)
We learn piano duets together, even if they’re simple.
We go to the International Cinema
We are allowed to gossip, but we’d both rather talk about something else.
We play Settlers of Catan.
We are very competitive at Jeopardy and Trivial Pursuit, and we love to do victory dances.
We also play Dance Dance Revolution.
We whisper funny comments in each other’s ear during movies.
Okay, I gotta get to work.  I’ll think of adding to this later.  
 

14th Ask Josh – Top 5 songs

In Uncategorized on August 25, 2008 at 8:55 pm

Josh Guest!

Wow. Not only are you extremely funny, but you are a talented writer.  I saw your plug for your blog on facebook so I decided to check it out.
You set the bait, I’ll bite:
What are your top 5 favorite songs for a sleepy lazy Sunday night at 1:10 am?
Oh yes, and why?
…………………
Elyse Hudson!
I’m so glad you took the bait.  If there’s one thing I love more than compliments, it’s attention.  And you have brought me both. Consequently you have made my day.
About songs for a sleepy lazy Sunday night.  Well, being that I just had one of those I will tell you some of my top 5 songs for just such an occasion.  And then some.
So here they are, my top 5 songs for just about everything:
Piano solos for going to bed:
5. Schubert – Moment Musical
4. Billy Joel – Root Beer Rag
3. Claude Debussy – Clair de Lune
2. Franz Liszt – Hungarian Rhapsody
1. Camille Saint-Saens – Carnival of Animals, Aquarium
Liszt and Joel both go crazy fast on the piano and just smash the keys, I love the speed and intensity with which they play.  Saint-Saens and Debussy both managed to make the most smooth sounding songs I have ever heard.  And Schubert is just… I’m just tickled by listening to him.
Best acoustic guitar solos/bands:
5. Bryan Adams – Summer of ’69 (while on MTV: Unplugged)
4. Alberto Plaza – Ahora (Desenchufado)
3. Plain White T’s – Hey There Delilah
2. (Tie) Hanson – MmmBop (Acoustic version) & Obadiah Parker – Hey Ya (Also Accoustic)
1. Death Cab For Cutie- I Will Follow You Into The Dark
There just seems to be more sincerity behind the music when it’s just the singer and their guitar.
Best songs to listen to on headphones:
5. Mirah-In The Garden (SYTYCD mix)
4. The Beatles- Yellow Submarine
3. Edgar Winter – Frankenstein
2. Led Zeppelin – Black Dog
1. Pink Floyd – Money
Best movie soundtrack songs:
5. Gladiator – Gladiator Waltz
4. Star Wars- March of the Stormtroopers
3. It’s a Beautiful Life – Barcarolle (by Offenbach)
2. Groundhog’s Day – Rhapsody on a Theme by Paganini (by Rachmaninoff)
1. The Graduate – All the Simon & Garfunkel songs
Honorable mentions for Singin’ in the Rain, an American in Paris, Newsies, and O Brother Where Art Thou.
Great Epic Songs:
5. Celine Dion – It’s All Coming Back To Me Now
4. Meat Loaf – I Would Do Anything for Love, Paradise by the Dashboard Light
3. Bonnie Tyler – Total Eclipse of the Heart
2. Air Supply – Making Love Out of Nothing at All
1. Dire Straits – Telegraph Road
I kind of cheated on this one. I mostly just picked songs by Jim Steinman, 2-5 are all his songs.  And they’re all epic.  Gotta love that guy.
Best female soloists:
5. Tracy Chapman – The Promise
4. Leona Lewis – Bleeding Love
3. Alicia Keys – No One
2. Alanis Morrisette – Head Over Feet
1. Michelle Branch – Goodbye to You (Acoustic)
Alanis really should be behind a lot of these people, but clicking and pasting doesn’t work with blogger, so I’m leaving her where she is.  
Best Broadway Songs:
5. Phantom of the Opera – Music of the Night, Think of Me, All I Ask of You
4. My Fair Lady – Wouldn’t It Be Loverly, I Could Have Danced All Night
3. Oklahoma – Oklahoma, What a Beautiful Morning, The Surrey With the Fringe on Top, Poor Judd is Dead, Kansas City
2. Sound of Music – Edelweiss, Do Re Mi, My Favorite Things, The Goodnight Song
1. Wicked – Defying Gravity, Popular, For Good, I’m Not that Girl
I love all these songs, and there are  lots of honorable mentions for everything by Andrew Lloyd Webber and Rodgers & Hammerstein, those include Cats, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, Cinderella, South Pacific, The Wizard of Oz and others.  I also love The Music Man, Les Miserables, Mamma Mia, West Side Story, Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, oh there’s so many great broadway shows and songs.  Sorry I can’t list them all. Though not on Broadway, allow me to say that High School Musical 1 and 2 both changed are incredible.
Best vocals backed up by choir:
3. Josh Groban – You Raise Me Up
2. Celine Dion & R. Kelly – I’m Your Angel
1. R. Kelly – I Believe I Can Fly
No matter how much you may hate any of these people, you have to love the key changes and the choirs.  Gospel choirs and key changes make any song the best in the whole world.
Best Songs from Guitar Hero/Rock Band
5. Skid Row – 18 & Life
4. Lynyrd Skynyrd – Free Bird
3. Kansas – Carry On Wayward Son
2. Weezer – My Name is Jonas
1. All the songs by Boston
Best Songs to Listen to in Car on way to Grocery Store
5. Queen – Bohemian Rhapsody
4. (tie) Imogen Heap – Hide & Seek, Andy Kim – Rock Me Gently
3. The Kinks – Come Dancing
2. The Hooters – And We Danced
1. One Republic – Apologize
Best Classic Rock
5. (Tie) Scorpions and Def Leppard
4. Survivor
3. Styx
2. Foreigner
1. Journey
Best Albums That You Can Just Listen To All the Way Through
5. (Tie) Gordon Lightfoot – Gord’s Gold, Pink Floyd – Dark Side of the Moon
4. John Denver – Greatest Hits
3. Phil Collins – Hits
2. Juanes – Mi Sangre
1. Cat Stevens – The Very Best of
People you should listen to but maybe don’t:
10. Frank Sinatra
9. Simon & Garfunkel
8. James Taylor
7. Barry Manilow
6. Neil Diamond
5. (tie) Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley
4. Johnny Cash – Especially his later albums, Unearthed and the American series
3. Celine Dion
2. Billy Joel
1. Elton John
Bands I hate but still like once in a while:
1. U2
There are a lot more lists I could make.  But I have to stop myself before I get carried away.  I love to talk music though. I especially love oldies and songs that I can imagine during the closing credits of a really great movie.  But here are my top 10 all-time songs (subject to change pretty much all the time):
10. Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey – When You Believe (purely for the key change)
9. Cat Stevens – Morning Has Broken
8. Journey – Faithfully
7. Bryan Adams – Summer of ’69
6. Pretenders – I’ll Stand By You
5. Harry Nilsson – Without You 
4. Elton John – Your Song
3. Cat Stevens – Father & Son
2. UB40 or Elvis Presley or even Jon Schmidt  – Can’t Help Falling in Love
1. Ben Folds – The Luckiest
Totes.

13th Ask Josh – Prayer Answers

In Uncategorized on August 24, 2008 at 1:27 am

anonymous writes:

Mr. Guest,
This is a question of a religious nature, let’s face it: I’m mormon.  You’re mormon.  So, from one mormon to another:::
In a recent moment of deep despair I did what I often do and started to pray.  Without getting TOO personal, I will just say I was at the end of my rope in every way possible and needed help.  The answer I got almost immediately was “NO”. That thought was immediately followed by an impression along the lines of “you’re not worth it”.  Why would that happen? Where did it come from? What does it mean?
I’m interested in what you think about this.
………..
I posted my answer in the comments section.  Have a wonderful day.

12th Ask Josh – Dating Married Women

In Uncategorized on August 18, 2008 at 1:32 pm
lindsay writes:

why is there an ad for ‘date married women now!’ on your blog?

…………………..
josh writes:
I don’t really know how to control the advertisements (or as a New Zealander might say, ‘edvertissments’) on the right side of my page (or as a New Zealander might say, ‘page…I’m from New Zealand, it’s kind of like JV Australia’).  My sponsors just sort of show up on their own.  Apparently my blog appeals to the following people:
Divorcees
Mormons who carry cellular phones and share their testimony via their ringtones
Women seeking men
Men seeking to buy Chinese brides
Men seeking to buy Russian brides
Japanese singles
Single Mormons
Voyeurs of single Mormons
People wishing to learn about Wedding Etiquette
Men seeking to buy Asian brides
People seeking free online chats with Hot and/or Sexy singles living within their zip code (yeah, as if the only thing preventing those people from finding romance is geography)
Persons unwilling to pay even a dime for online dating.
Women seeking websites that answer the time-honored inquiry, “Why do men dump women?”
Women seeking websites providing dating tips.
Seekers of toiletry kits.
Tourists of the Statue of Liberty
And yes, men who want to meet married women.
Why? you ask. I’ll have to answer your question with another question: Why not?

11th Ask Josh – Gowns

In Uncategorized on August 18, 2008 at 6:43 am

Josh, I have a question for you. Why are graduation gowns so expensive.  I mean, let’s be honest, all it is is a sheet with an ugly hat.

-Sue Dahle M.
————-
Dear SUUUUUUUE DAHHHHHle!,
Oh how glad I am that you done up and aksed me a quetchshun.  I love your maiden name.  Your new name is great, too.
While you might find the cost of a graduation gown to be a bit on the exorbitant side, allow me to freshen your perspective on the cost of gowns these days. In reality, a graduation gown is the cheapest gown on the market.  If you were getting a doctorate degree, a graduation cap and gown set will cost you $585.  Sounds like a lot? You have no grasp of the gown world, my friend.
Consider the average stay at a hospital.  One night at a hospital is going to cost you about $2000, it could be a lot more if you are actually sick or injured.  Why so much? Well, I broke it down like this:
Registration fees: $5
Cost of replacing the wax paper they put on the doctor’s bench:$0.10
Cost of custodian: Free, they’re just volunteers.
Doctor: $190.90. (He has to charge kind of a lot because he is still paying off his debts for buying his doctorate cap and gown set)
Flimsy hospital gown: $1800
Snowglobe at the gift shop: $4.00.
You see, your money, and your insurer’s money is going to that small gown that covers next to nothing, especially if you’re in Chile where you are a foot taller than the average person and you have only been there for a week and you don’t speak Spanish and your derriere is hanging out of your tiny Chilean-sized hospital gown for all of South America to see and laugh at but you don’t understand what sound they’re making until your translator whispers to you “they’re laughing at you”, but I digress.
But even hospital gowns are next to nothing compared to wedding gowns. Consider the fact that designer dresses can run up to $6000, plus the cost of customization and fitting.  Also consider the fact that graduation is going to happen 3 or so times in your life. For a total of about $1000 maximum.With the divorce rate over fifty percent and still climbing, and with the possibility of universal healthcare on its way, you can see how our entire nation is going to be spent on gowns as people keep getting re-married and keep going to the hospital for a free gown.
Our current population is over 301,000,000.   Now, if you consider the No Child Left Behind Act, that means that every American will graduate, and if Barack Obama takes office, that means free college for everyone. meaning everyone will have to wear at least two gowns, for a cost of about $1000 a head for a total of $301 billion.
Soon Americans will be averaging, this is just a guess here, around 21 marriages in a life time.  We’ll round it down to 20 for calculations’ sake. Assuming half of those people getting married are women, we are talking over 150 million women multiplied by 20 lifetime marriages multiplied by $6000 a dress brings us to a total of $18,000,000,000,000.  That’s Eighteen trillion dollars! Eighteen million million dollars!
There is also a good chance that Universal healthcare is on its way.  So that means every American will be rushing hospitals to get their free gown at least 12 times a year. , our birth rate being 14 people per thousand, that means in the next year we will have, another 4 million babies on our hands, each with its own gown as well, they’re visiting the hospital too, you know. So 304,000,000 people times twelve visits a year times $1800 for the price of the flimsy gown, that is another $6.59 trillion.
Hospital, wedding, and graduation gowns total about $25 trillion.  Our Gross Domestic Product is $13 trillion.  So that means that we will have spent every last American resource just to pay for a little over half of all the gowns we will be using.
I hope this has given you some perspective on your views of “a sheet and an ugly hat” pricing.  Gee, Sue. You got a lot of growing up to do.

10th Ask Josh – Race

In Uncategorized on August 5, 2008 at 9:52 am

Hey gurl, when are you going to put your race on youtube, and the video about your date too

………..

Hey boi,

I have just posted the video of me tripping on YouTube. It is under my screenname joshgues.

I am attempting to post it here. For those of you who don’t know what this is about, I ran track my senior year in high school. I was new, but I had fight. This was my last race of my career. I was running the 1500 m to go to state. I crossed the finish line in 4:19, at least part of me did. If you want to just skip to the dramatic ending feel free, but I still get teary-eyed when I watch it from beginning to end, call it loser’s remorse.

I’ll post the date documentary later. Enjoy!

On a side note, if you look at the right side of the screen you’ll see Megan Kings, we went out on a few dates 3 years after this video was taken, I didn’t even realize she was in the video. Anyway, I thought that was a funny thing.

9th Ask Josh – Wedding day plans

In Uncategorized on August 4, 2008 at 12:52 am

Anonymous writes:

Dearest Josh, I recently returned from a close friends wedding and was wondering your perspective on how to most effectively use the time in between the wedding and the reception.

……..

Dear Anonymous,

My perspective on how to most effectively use the time in between the wedding and the reception? To quote Christopher Walken, “I have a question for you: you oughta be ashamed of yourself.”

I assume you mean the reception that takes place not but 2 to 3 hours after the wedding ceremony, because you can’t possibly believe that I could have planned a full week of effective time use for the reception intended the week after the wedding.

Nevertheless, I have come to the conclusion that board games are perhaps the best way to get the ball rolling once vows have been exchanged. Allow me to illustrate:

I would have to say a rousing game of backgammon would be in order, I think it would be appropriate because neither member would know what they were doing. Some couple engage in backgammon before they are married. While I do not judge them, I dare say that I would never have even dared to go so far as to read a backgammon instruction manual, let alone touch the board or play it. To them, the sweet mystery of backgammon will not be the surprise it perhaps might have been.

Having gotten backgammon out of the way, I think it best that the newlyweds do some estate planning. Since the poor young loves will have no money, it will profit them little to see a lawyer to have a will and trust drawn out, as the accumulation of assets and the insertion of unmentioned children into the family will inevitably lead to a painful probate once the now newlyweds are deceased. So I believe a game of speed Monopoly would do them well to see how they budget and whether the woman will go out and spend $75 on Luxury Tax every time she wins $15 for getting 2nd place in a beauty contest. You have to keep track of expenses.

A game of chess would make for a good first fight.

A game of Chinese Checkers will help them see what the other will be like while dealing with other cultures should the couple ever decided to travel the world.

Trivial Pursuit will help set the tone for all the conversations they’ll have about nothing for the next 70 or so years.

On a personal note, I would love nothing better than to play a game of Settlers of Catan, call me old fashioned, but I just would be content to build my little house at the side of a road where I can collect a wheat and two woodsen every time an 8 is rolled, and I could spend my time chasing filthy robbers off my property every time a seven is rolled. And everytime someone says they’ll give me just one rock in exchange for my precious wheat, I’ll tell them, “You can go eat rocks.”

Yes, life is a game. May as well get good at it early. Happy backgammoning.