joshguessed

136th Ask Josh – Male Capris

In Uncategorized on May 10, 2009 at 9:39 am

Stefi said…

what are your thoughts on man capris? and the new and growing fad of “euro mullets” for guys?

….

Dear Stefi,

What’s more powerful than words? No words. Here’s a picture, so I guess that’s more like a thousand words. So sorry.

While much of the world has turned its back on the males who sport Capris out there. I stand by them. You want to know why? Because my little brother also likes Capris. He once asked my mother if he could buy some Capri pants. My sister and I laughed at him and poked fun at his desire to sport clothing typically worn by women only. But I have learned that Capri pants are not only fashionable, and comfortable, they show off my ankles and lower calf muscles that I have spent a lifetime cultivating and beautifying. A good-looking lower leg (or as I like to call it, a foreleg) is a terrible thing to waste.

Notwithstanding my enjoyment of wearing Capri pants, I am not a fan of those who wear them. And it is for this reason: they won’t let me into their Facebook group. The pro Capri group has only seven members, they are very exclusive. Looking for an alternative, I found the Anti-capris group. They had only six members. So I joined them. Seven strong as of this writing, we are ready for the Capri kids whenever they want to rumble.

Well, ever since those jerks kept me out of their group, I started joining all the movements against Capri pants. These groups include:

Capris Are For Women
I HATE MAN CAPRIS!
Ban on Man Capris
In that last one I saw that there was only one remaining member. I joined it and have since become the administrator. Then I made myself an officer as well. My title: Flar Buck & Hoose Willy.
The Anti Man Capris League
men united against men capri pants

Surprisingly, one of the biggest clubs in the Anti-Capri coalition was the “End the Reign of Man Capris.” They are 45 members strong. They did not have an administrator. Being the concerned citizen that I am, I joined and also commandeered it. If you look at it now, you will see that our cause is now, “Sergio Mendes Rock My Munho!” I already have an event planned for Mother’s Day, May 10, 2009, from 1:00 to 4:00. It is the “Sergio Mendes Capris Fun Run – Run For the Swinger from Rio.” I would go, but I have Church during that time. So I can’t make it.

There was also a lone man who was neither for nor against Capris. This middle-of-the-road, middle-of-the-lower-leg guy stands alone in merely asking the question: “Whats wrong with Capri’s?” I didn’t have the heart to tell him that his apostrophe situation was all out of whack. Nevertheless, I joined his club, too.

Seeing all these clubs, and so many without administrators, I decided to take the movement into my own hands. I knew that in order to bring male Capri pants either to the zenith of their stylishness or to the abolition of their existence we would need the support of men of wealth, power, and affluence.

I decided to write my Senator, Orrin Hatch. It went like this:

May 10, 2009

Orrin G. Hatch
United States Senate
104 Hart Office Building
Washington, DC 20510

Dear Senator Hatch,

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Josh Guest. I am a college student living in Provo. I have lived in Utah for a total of 8 years. I love the Beehive state and I appreciate the work you have done to help our state and the entire United States. I fully supported you when you voted against our President’s proposal to have a $3.6 trillion budget. I also agree with your vote against Governor Sebelius heading up the nation’s Health & Human Services. As far as I can tell, you represent my viewpoints quite well.

However, I would like to call to your attention an issue far surpassing any of these other matters. I realize you have very little time to spare, so I’ll be brief. I have an increasing amount of concern for the men of the Blue Spruce state who choose to wear pants that don’t fit them. I’m not talking about high-waters. I still wear those. My concern lies in what are referred to as Capri pants, not like the delicious fruit drink without any artificial colors, flavors, or preservatives that moms can feel good about, but more like the island of Capri off the coast of Italy.

While we Utahns are trying to move away from the image of intolerance frequently imputed upon us, I don’t see how we can allow our children to be born into a state where men are showing off their ankles and lower calf muscles as if they were women. These pants are like dresses for men, only in pants form. But not like dress pants. We can’t afford not to have this removed from our society. I believe the citizens of the great Sego Lily state should be pioneers once more in removing this most abominable fashion faux pax from the forelegs of our fifty states and four commonwealths.

I wish not to push the matter any further. I leave it in your hands.

Industry. Industry. Industry.

Respectfully Yours,

Joshua C. Guest, esq.

Anyway, I’ll let you know of his response as soon as I get it.

I am going to have to answer the Mullet question in a second post. So this post is to be continued…

Now, here’s a little something from the man who makes Capris and Mullets worth wearing: Sergio Mendes singing Never Gonna Let You Go, featuring the host of The Biggest Loser back when she was still on Days of Our Lives.

Love,

Josh

Advertisements
  1. Dear Josh,I was bored this afternoon, and I spent quite some time pondering on how to spend my Sabbath afternoon. I chose to iron all my skirts and shirts to speed up my dressing time in the future. I dont feel like this is a normal pasttime. Do I seek professional help?

  2. At the begining of our marriage Jason purchased a pair of bright orange shorts. The material? I don’t know, some sort of waterproof… So he wears said shorts a few times, when finally I have to ask “What are those?” “My shorts.” “No, I think they are capris.” I’m happy to report they made a swift exit from the Casper home. The world is a better place because of it, I’m sure!

  3. Mr. P, esq–Just go to BYU-I. No capris up north, my friend–including manpris! I think you have an excellent career in facebook piracy ahead of you. Love the letter to Senator Hatch! Fabulous! Please don’t ever wear them again and destroy all photo documentation of previous fashion violations. If you want to show off your hot forelegs, just wear shorts :)TVB!

  4. Dear Josh,My mission papers are in and in lieu of this fact Kristen bought a world map and is taking bets on where I am going. Shes up to fifty dollars. Is this wrong? Where do you think I’m going? Are you going to place a bet?D-Rob.

  5. There are no words.

  6. this makes me want to join the group that supports male capris. Just to be different. lol :)my opinion is that some guys can pull it off and some can’t.

  7. this makes me want to join the groups that support male capris. Just to be different. haha my opinion is that some people can pull it off and some can’t.

  8. haha. glad you still like my playlist. i still like your face. i am also morally opposed to man-capris. just for the record.sorry our friendship has to be over so soon because of my tetanus. i remember meeting you in the newsroom one cold, dark stormy saturday morning and thinking about how fun it is that we all do the news.let’s always cherish those times.

  9. You really wrote a letter to Orrin Hatch…

  10. Josh, I have a series of questions for you. Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway? Do you think that teenage pop sensation Chili Davis will ever make a triumphant return? What are the requirements of an around the world trip? And if you could visit 5 places on earth, where would you go and why? Oh and if you have time, could you address the timeless question of which came first, the chicken or the egg?Thanks, Derek

  11. ahh josh i saw your weather stint from the fabulous daily news.which leads me to my question…what’s it like to be a weather man on live television??and do you love it?xox from anna.

  12. How about the group the Anti-Knee- Hi Levis?. (not to be confused with the Anti-Nephite-Lehis)

  13. Dear Josh,How do you find the time to do all that you do?

  14. When I first read this article I was thinking to myself, "No way do guys actually wear capris!" But then only a few days later I saw it. And I was quite shocked. This is definitely an issue that needs attention.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: