joshguessed

117th Ask Josh – Smiting Josh

In Uncategorized on March 5, 2009 at 5:32 pm


Dearest Josh, 


 I have a question for your blog: “How do I make Josh Guest fall in love with me?” 

Anxiously awaiting your reply,

The beautiful girl who sits beside you


….

Dear beautiful girl who sits beside me,

You stumped me. You did it. I don’t know how it works. I decided to call in the experts for this one. Those who have the most experience with making Josh Guest fall in love, or those who have observed it from the outside.  Allow me to introduce our panel of expert Josh-fallers.

Lindsay Diane Evans – A former political science classmate and frequent Ask Josh questioner until recently. They frequently eat Olive Garden and Freschetta pizza. While they are just friends, Josh just can’t seem to resist the urge to ask Lindsay out. Lindsay got Josh to watch The Notebook, fix her chair, backstab his best friend, and to drive all the way out to Sunnyvale in the middle of family vacation just so his parents could meet her. Lindsay also is responsible for Josh’s one and only speeding ticket.

Codename Alice – Wishing to maintain anonymity which will soon be compromised as this article continues on, Alice is the woman Josh planned on marrying for nearly 4 years. Alice wrote to Josh for the duration of his mission and Josh wrote to Alice while she served a mission of her own. While they are just friends, Josh can’t seem to resist the urge to call or text Alice at least once a week. Alice got Josh to go dancing in the rain, to start reading every classic book he comes in contact with, to start memorizing classical music, studying art, start exercising regularly and eating healthy, rolling in the mud, to learn Italian, to go to law school, to make snow angels, climb trees, and to even learn table manners on his own. Wonders why Josh isn’t dating Lindsay.

Jennifer Guest Smith – Jenny is Josh’s older sister. She has witnessed Josh’s romantic failings ever since Josh started liking girls. She was the chaperone and driver when Josh took his high school sweetheart out on their first date after the girl turned 16. Jenny is responsible for at least one of Josh’s breakups. Wants Josh to marry Lindsay, not opposed to Alice, either.

Note: The author Josh Guest neither agrees nor disagrees with any of the following opinions. The opinions given by the panelists are solely their own and the publication of said opinions in no way validates them as true or false.

Lindsay has prepared the following report based on evidence she has gathered about herself and Alice. She has submitted the following photo of Alice [left] and herself [right] and demands that it be included despite Alice’s request for anonymity. I believe her intentions for submitting the photo are to demonstrate that all the girls Josh falls in love with look uncannily similar and that, according to a text message, “the similarities really are only skin deep.”

A Completely Scientific Check List For How To Make Josh Guest Fall In Love Based Entirely On Empirical Evidence
By: Lindsay Diane Evans

















-long dark hair, preferable parted on the left side
-light colored eyes
-grow up in Northern California
-learn a European language immediately
-must be tall and thin, at least 5’9”
-have an excellent sense of humor
-score at least a 30 on the ACT
-get accepted to BYU
-live in Helaman Halls (if you lived in Heritage you’re out of luck, sorry)
-participate in a study abroad program
-live in Europe for a period of time (separate requirement from the above mentioned study abroad)
-make sure your parents have at least 5 children
-play piano
-maintain a witty blog
-must be exceptionally adventurous
-must love love love kids
-add Bill and Sue as facebook friends as soon as possible
If you meet all of the above requirements please notify Josh immediately.
Good luck!
lesser known detail: [Alice] and I are, in fact, related



……….. 

Alice said this [Note: some pieces of information have been omitted and edited by Josh in order to protect the innocent]:

First of all, a series of disclaimers/requests/thoughts: 

  1. This is so wrong.  Were it not for the fact that you yourself asked me to do and it is admittedly hilarious, I would never do it. Shame on the panelists for even suggesting this. 
  2. Can I please be anonymous? I realize that may be somewhat futile. On second thought, is this even going to be funny to people that don’t know my history with you?
  3. There are other guest authors for this post, correct? Past lovers perhaps? That would certainly make it less awkward.

Dear beautiful girl who sits beside Josh: 

Let us establish from the beginning that my intent is not to criticize, nor to be condescending, though it may very well come across that way due to the nature of this endeavor.  For all I know you are indeed beautiful and fabulous, and maybe you don’t actually want Josh to love you anyway, you just knew it would be a funny post. Maybe you do want him to. Maybe you and I have a class together as well and when we discover it this will all be even more awkward than it already is.  

Enough of that. To answer the question, “How do I make Josh Guest fall in love with me?” I’m afraid you’ve already ruled yourself out of Josh’s affection with your question alone. Josh doesn’t go for the shameless flirt. He may find it amusing and even somewhat intriguing at first, but he’ll never put up with that long-term.  Reason being that under the silliness and the antics, Josh himself has superb moral character, and is looking for someone of the same caliber. Flinging yourself at his feet is clearly not the answer my dear.  

(See Josh? This is awkward already. I’m either going to be glorifying myself or praising you. Grrr…..) 

Now I’m not saying you need to play hard to get, though a little of that is always helpful.  Personally I’ve found running off to foreign countries and restricting correspondence to written post to be most effective.  May I also point out that excellent writing skills make this part of the relationship even more delightful to dear old Josh.  Make sure to include clever references to his favorite old films, books he likes, and gospel quotes you think he’d enjoy. Also, keep tabs on his parents and siblings as he is a family man and what’s important to them ought to be important to you.  

(I’m trivializing our entire relationship now. This is SO WRONG.)  

If you hadn’t noticed by now, Josh has very few inhibitions.  You must be up for ANYTHING.  Not only that, but it’s got to be your idea some of the time. You can’t leave all of the madness up to him. This may include, but is not limited to:  riding shopping carts down steep inclines, stolen bicycles, random outbursts, dancing in the rain, contests to see who can write the most illegible letter, frolicking in many forms, as well as the consumption of things that ought not ever under any circumstances be eaten.  That should give you some ideas to work with.  

(Now that was just plain personal. How many people are going to read this??) 

Finally, you must be able to make him laugh.  This isn’t going to be easy, unless he’s in love with you already, in which case he’ll laugh at your jokes regardless.  But let’s assume that he’s not in love with you just yet, you’re going to need to be very clever indeed.  

If you can successfully accomplish all of those tasks while epitomizing all of the values put forth in the 13th article of faith, and all of this without breaking a sweat and keeping an irresistible grin on that pretty little face of yours, then hats of to you darling. Joshua Clay Guest is yours for the taking.  

Sincerely,

Do I really need to say? 


….


Finally, sister Jenny said this:

In my experience, if you want Josh to fall in love with you, you have to be blonde, anorexic thin, shamefully quiet and embarrassed by everything he does.  At least that would have been my answer 5 years ago.

 

Nowadays, he seems to have shifted – as he is accepting applications from brunettes as well.

 

I think there’s something about a girl who can sit back quietly and be embarrassed by every word Josh says, every move he makes, and every dance he posts to his blog that really gets Josh’s engine going.  Or maybe it’s because a quiet girl will let Josh bask in the glory of being the center of attention without distracting from his spotlight.

 

Ultimately, I don’t think Josh could settle down with a quiet girl (partly because his family won’t let him – as we are all boorish and crude).  So if you want Josh to fall in love with you – dye your hair blonde, develop an eating disorder, and frequently remind him that he’s being over-the-top.  He’ll be embarrassing you with a mortifying and very public proposal in no time.


……



So, Beautiful Girl Who Sits Next To Me,


There you have it. Some very important and influential women in my life have told you the truth as best they can. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank them for their time and willingness to embarrass themselves publicly. They’re real sports. That’s why I love ’em. If this were a talk show I’d ask you and everyone reading to give our panelists a round of applause.


Happy hunting. Don’t forget the gun.


Love,


Josh



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  1. This one is great! Alice did particularly well and I’m amazed at all the things in common between Lindsay and Alice. Josh, what do you think you need to do to get Lindsay back reading you blog?

  2. HA!! This is fabulous! Thank you Lindsay and “Alice” for being such good sports…I can see why Josh fell in love with each of you. All three ladies did a fine and funny job with their assigned task. I must, though, take exception to Jenny’s comment that we Guests are all crude and boorish…dad’s not so much :o). Again, thanks to you all for a delightful post.

  3. This post is certainly a favorite of mine. I love reading your blog…it helps me see a whole different side to Elder Guest.Will I ever see you as anyone but Elder Guest??

  4. HAHAHAHAHA. Simply amazing. Josh I’ll miss you too… Parting is such sweet sorrow… But you know.. it’s not even a for sure thing that I am leaving because our contract at Southridge fell through. We are apartment hunting once more. I would stay but I just like change, you know? I am not completely smitten with Foxwood and I want to find a better place that costs less. That may seem hard to find, but we have looked at several that are promising… We’ll see I guess.

  5. HAhaha, I agree with Jessie. Amazing. I’ll pass this on to Heather so she knows what it takes, and you guys can have beautiful children together. And then we’ll brother and sister in LAW, not just in FHE status.

  6. Dear Josh,I saw a girl wearing a backpack that had poodles and monster truck on it. I’ve been trying to figure out how those are related but I can’t. What do you think?

  7. Tyler asked, “Why is there a picture of the same girl side-by-side on this post?” You don’t have to make a post to answer, I just thought it was funny.

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