113th Ask Josh – Regularly Scheduled Romance

In Uncategorized on February 24, 2009 at 10:44 pm

Lindsay said…

2 to 6 months?? are you out of your mind??

don't answer that.

but you can answer this one: what is, in your mind, a good time line for all thing romantic? (e.g. hand holding, kissing, officialocitiness, facebook statuses, meeting the family, engagement, wedding, etc.)?


Dear Lindsay,

If only the answer to your question could be etched in stone, so many relationship doubts would not have to perpetuate in the realm of man any further.

Here is my personal schedule. Disclaimer: When I say that this is my personal schedule, I do not mean that I always follow it. In fact, it is very likely that I may never follow it. The following is a normative agenda of dating life as I find prudent and forthcoming:

First date scenarios
1.) Perfect first date – Simple dinner, simple activity (miniature golf, bird watching, s, over in 90 minutes. 
Ends with: Handshake (of, if I am doubling with Zack, he kisses her goodnight).
2.) Extended first date – Nice dinner, semi-complex activity, 2-3 hours.
Ends with: Two-handed handshake (or a "hand sandwich" if you will), maybe a side hug if I'm feeling fresh that day.
3.) Marathon first date – Drive to Salt Lake, nice dinner, complex activity(-ies) – 4-6 hours. 
This may include walking arm-in-arm, or is it 'arm and arm'?
Ends with: Hugging and never speaking again.

Here is how some of my recent first dates actually went:
  • Indian buffet, the girl takes one trip, I take 4 before I get too embarrassed to have her watch me eat anymore. Miniature golf. RESULT: Hug. Still neighbors.
  • Walking in rain. Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" Laser Light Show. Texan food. Ice cream. RESULT: Hug. Ran into each other at a party one time since then.
  • California Pizza Kitchen. Taking neighbor's couch cushions and hiking the "I" and eating peaches and cream on top of the I. RESULT: Handshake goodnight. Second date.

Second date
Dinner again (I love dinner), perhaps even a picnic
Meets roommates and friends, play Settlers of Catan in order to gauge economic and diplomatic mettle.
Ice cream, custard, gelato, or other frozen treat.
Hand-holding is allowed but not recommended except under the following conditions:
1.) Some form of skating is taking place.
2.) Fingers are not interlocking
3.) Some form of skipping or otherwise lighthearted stride must take place in order to maintain a state of playfulness without establishing and/or implying commitment from either side unless previously discussed and agreed to by both parties during friendly encounters (see footnote) incidental to and not ancillary to the second date. 

Here is how some of my recent second dates have gone:
  • Lunch in the Eyring Science Center, playing with the toys in the Eyring Science Center. RESULT: Hug, never speaking again.
  • Thai Food and then playing Cribbage with the girl's family. RESULT: Hug, never speaking again.
  • Pizza, holding hands in downtown Provo, eating gelato. RESULT: Third date.

Third date
Disclaimer: In many cases I have gone on as many as a dozen dates with the same person without even considering the third date protocol hereafter mentioned:
1.) Man should have asked for permission from roommates to kiss the girl this time.
2.) Fingers should interlock in handholding.
3.) If the feeling is right… why not? Go kiss the girl, man. My research indicates that girls want to get kissed nearly as much as guys want to kiss.

Here is how some third dates actually went:
  • Watching "Dan in Real Life". Hot Cocoa. RESULT: Still friends.
  • Korean Food. Watching "Spiderman 3" RESULT: Hug. Never speaking again.
  • Costa Vida. Racquetball. RESULT: Went on a mission… just as good as never speaking again.
Determining the Relationship

Something about the BYU culture requires that both the man and woman sit down and discuss the reason why the guy is still asking the girl out and why the girl keeps on saying yes to these invitations.  I don't know anything about this still.  But I can imagine it goes something like this:
Boy: I need you, Boo.
Girl: I think I'm going to serve a mission.
Boy: Hey…
Girl: I know what you're going to say, and I've been praying about it and you and me dating just doesn't feel right.
Man: Have we met?
Girl to Journal:
Jan. 1, 2004 – Dear Journal, It is my freshman year and I am determined to not get married.
Jan.1, 2005 – Dear Journal, I am a sophomore now and I am being very careful to not get married.
Jan 1, 2006 – Dear Journal, I feel so old. I'm starting to feel like I'll never get married
Jan 1, 2007 – Dear Journal, I thought that it was part of the BYU contract that I would be engaged by the time I graduated. Boys at BYU are stupid.
Jan 1, 2008 – Dear Journal, I'm sure glad I'm on a mission now. I think one of the AP's has a crush on me. 
Jan 1, 2009 – Dear Journal, I am maxing out on minors I can add to my degree. Boys are stinky.
Jan 1, 2010 – Dear Me, this is you writing from the future. Pretty crazy, huh? Boys are stinky in the future, too. And all of the good ones in grad school are already married. Further instructions await. Sincerely, Future You.
Okay, I really don't know how they're supposed to go down. But they do go down.  
Meeting the Folks
I really don't know anything about this subject. The closest I have come to meeting the folks has been playing Cribbage on that second date and the other time was having the aunts get together and try to decide which member of the British Royal family I resemble most.
Here is when it is probably safest to go public on Facebook saying that you are in a relationship. And you can't say, "It's complicated…" or "In an open relationship with…" otherwise it will all be doomed very soon. I used to think that guys were afraid to go public, but it turns out that girls hate it more because they prefer to say they are "dating" someone but they don't like getting tied down to saying they are "boyfriend/girlfriend" with anyone, apparently these mean two completely different things that some completely single girl will be more than happy to explain to you.
Getting Engaged
I am so humbled to say that there is not a subject I know less about. You can be sure that by the time I know anything about getting engaged, this blog will long have been abolished because the girl will have made me delete the entire site before her parents found out about this blog. I guess some would-be mother-in-laws can't take a joke out there.
Sealing the Deal
The timing on this one can be any old time. You shouldn't need too much time to get married. I guess it only takes as much time to get married as it takes for you to collect all your friends' addresses by starting a groovy Facebook group inviting everyone to sign up for invitations.

“Friendly Encounter” def. – Any time spent together between members of the opposite sex that would count as a date but does not due to a lack of at least one of the three elements of a true date as defined by Elder Dallin H. Oaks. i.e. the outing is either not paid for, planned, or paired off. While the activity is not a date, per se, the girl and boy may end up in a dating relationship as a result of so many successful friendly encounters.

  1. Josh how do you ask questions to this blog? Say you are a girl and you like a guy, how do you get the guy to like you back. I think it would be helpful to know how your thoughts and insights coming from a guys perspective. Thanks Josh

  2. Josh say a girl likes a guy, what can she do to get the guy. What are things they can do and things they shouldnt do to get the guys attention. How can we clue you guys in with out being to blunt, or do guys like that? I think this could be very helpful coming from a guys perspective. Thanks

  3. Josh, How do you ask a question? I hope you get this. say a girl likes a particular guy, what can she do to clue him in, or win his heart. What do guys like us to do, and what should we not do. I need your help and wisdom on this one and I think a guys perspective could be very useful. What would a girl have to do to win your heart? Thanks

  4. This is good. I like this one.

  5. Oh geez, Josh. You posted like 10 blogs. Now I HAVE to post one…

  6. haha. i officially love your blog. the end.

  7. Josh, how did you get so far behind on your questions?

  8. i’m done asking you questions for your blog. a girl can only get her hopes up just to be let down so many times. you’re answers are always a disappointment. goodbye forever, asking josh.

  9. Josh, this was pure genius, I’m actually maybe going to post it on my blog to make me smile every now and then. My life is truly so much brighter because of you!

  10. You told me to comment so you could find my blog again… so that’s what I’m doing. I must admit I found this post very interesting. I also finally read the “Smiting Josh” post in it’s entirety 🙂

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