joshguessed

79th Ask Josh – Pilferage Problems

In Uncategorized on December 21, 2008 at 12:16 pm

Dear Josh,
What do I do when I have a roommate who steals my things and has since disconnected her phone.

Sincerely,

Susan

……. 

Dear Susan,

 

You should

Have a lawyer write a letter of demand.

Have some guy sing angrily that he has a list of demands and that he wants his money back.  (Saul Williams, “Reparations”)

Get it back. (Roberto Benigni “Life is Beautiful”)

Try and crush him with a large boulder. (“Raiders of the Lost Ark”)

Don’t tell them about the trap set on the way out (same link as the boulder scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark)

Sell it to them before they steal it. (This is original.  A piece of original Josh Guest literature.)

Arrange for someone else to steal it before them (“Ocean’s Twelve”)

Destroy it (Scorched Earth Policy)

Report them to the police.

Report them to their employer (It stops me every time).

Report them to the mob (“The Sting” )

Steal something from someone associated with the mob and then allow the stealer to steal that and then let the mob take care of them (“The Italian Job “)

Meet with her later and have her turn out to be James Garner, the original Maverick , your dad.

Forgive. (The Bible )

Forget (Alzheimer’s)

Own nothing.

Get a new roommate.

Turn all your things into holograms.

Cut off her hand (Hamurrabi’s Code, I originally found some YouTube clips of people actually getting their hands cut off. I decided that if you wanted to see hands getting severed bad enough, you wouldn’t need my help finding it.).

Shtick her in the eye (See Homer’s Odyssey, or this delightful clip from O Brother Where Art Thou, skip to 7:10 to get to the good stuff).

Break stone tablets over her head (That’s in the Bible, right?). 

Fine her (This is really big in Singapore. T-shirts to tourists say “Singapore is a fine city.”).

Cane her (Also big in Singapore. T-shirts to less well-behaved tourists say “Singapore: Raising cane.”).

Merry Christmas.

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  1. Can you add this:Own nothing (Marx)…just trying to put poli sci 202 to use 😀

  2. psi LOVE the new layout and background!!

  3. Thoreau also said that. When he was robbed, he didn’t get mad because he felt like that he deserved to get robbed because he owned too much.

  4. Thoreau was also socially backward and an all-around odd guy. Yes, I know I just quoted him on my blog. It’s all a part of the irony. Plus, I can relate. 😉 Well done. Made my day once again.

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