joshguessed

58th Ask Josh – Changing Joshes

In Uncategorized on November 14, 2008 at 7:25 pm

huss said…

there are so many different joshes. do you ever switch it up? like take the funjosh on dates or send the datejosh to church? because what if there were someone who only saw you at church, and they didn’t know funjosh? i would feel sorry for them…

(p.s. you don’t have to blog about this one)

Dear Huss,

Each Josh gets a chance to ruin a date, a job, a paper, a calling.  He has done it all.  So let us set up the scenario like this: FunJosh, DateJosh, and WorkJosh go through the same day, each taking on for himself the responsibilities of all three.

Each must go through the following day, starting at midnight of the day before:

Go to bed 

Wake up 

Go to work

Speak to a dignitary on campus.

Go to a meeting at work.

Eat lunch with the guys

Go to Humanities class

Go to Economics class

Work in a study group

Write a talk

Make a deposit at the bank

Buy groceries

Go jogging

Go on a date

Go to a basketball game

Play Settlers of Catan with roommates

Finish a paper

Play basketball at 11:00pm with the guys.

Get back to bed

Now, this day is not atypical.  

Ironically, DateJosh would be the most boring.  It turns out that DateJosh does everything on that list exactly as it says.  He just does it.  No drama, no antics.  He smiles politely, asks lots of questions. Which is why few can stand to date DateJosh long. He is fat-free vanilla yogurt. 

Goes to bed the night before at 11:00 the night before. Alarm goes off at 6:00, gets out of bed at 6:20. Shows up at work 2 minutes late because he takes a detour to talk with Lisa who bakes cookies in the Bookstore. Once at work, nods and smiles politely at everyone who comes in.  Show interest and sympathy towards every student who comes in today.  “You want to be a podiatrist? That’s fantastic!”  Lends an ear of sympathy to every person’s complaints.  “Yeah, that’s really too bad.  Hmmm.”  The dignitary enters, DJ stands up and shakes hand if it’s a man, stands up and nods his head if it’s a woman, not extending hand unless she extends her hand first. “Why hello, Mr./Ms.  (DateJosh memorized the full name).”  At work meeting has nothing good to report because he was working with students the whole time and didn’t have time to finish, so he talks about how busy it has been lately and flashes a winning smile.

 After work, DJ eats lunch with guys, talks politics, flirts with Dana and Loral with phrases like, “when are you going to dump that boyfriend of yours so we can run away together?” Lunch that day is fat-free vanilla yogurt, a sandwich, a bag of carrot sticks, a fruit and grain bar, safflower oil-baked Sun Chips. I also buy an $0.89 burrito under the name of “Melvin.” The Taco Bell girl is always amused when he uses a fake name.

Humanities class, smiles and laughs with approval at every joke teacher says. Shows genuine interest in every art work, knows the answers to questions because he is looking them on Wikipedia as they are being asked.

Sleeps in economics class. But still manages to know the answers to all the questions while in the study group.

Uses Shakespeare and Thomas S. Monson quotes in his talk.

Addresses teller at bank by their first name as if we have been friends forever.  Writes smiley faces on the deposit slip.  Needs to have teller verify account number because I forgot. She looks at my drivers license and comments on how young I look, and I say something about how I eat a lot of avocado to help exfoliate the skin, or something like that and we both giggle.

DateJosh’s date is a picnic eating Costa Vida, a walk through a museum. 

Well, I won’t finish DateJosh’s day.  You get the gist.  

WorkJosh would do it like this:

In bed at 9:00 the night before. Up at 5:00, reads the Wall Street Journal, reads scriptures, finishes Economics homework for the next day. Reads a novel on the way to work until he picks up the New York Times.  Shows up at work 5 minutes late because he was reading the Times which slowed him down.

Work blows by in a matter of moments.  He gets a ton done. Dignitary gets a nod, then WorkJosh goes back to work. In meeting Josh does not speak until spoken to. Is pleasant on outside, is annoyed on the inside by all the frivolity surrounding him.

Doesn’t eat lunch with the guys.  Eats lunch while walking to library.  He doesn’t buy the burrito because he is too cheap to pay $0.89 for a burrito.  Eats Key-Lime flavored yogurt, sandwich, two peanut butter granola bars.

Types every word the professor says in Humanities. Falls asleep in Economics. Writes a talk using quotes by Dallin H. Oaks, Jeffrey R. Holland, Gordon B. Hinckley, and Pauline Epistles. Deposit is in and out in a minute, he has the account number memorized. Asks to see the list of Annual Percentage Yields for Certificates of Deposits ranging in length between 6 and 13 months. Not impressed by the rates and walks away.  Buys one loaf of bread, one gallon of whole milk, 20 yogurts, a bag of grapefruits. Reads a classic novel while at basketball game. Wins Settlers of Catan. Reads a Shakespeare play at the party. Throws down the paper in 30 minutes. 

On date they go to the International Cinema, or they watch a movie in the Learning Resource Center that WJ had to watch for a class anyway.

Back in bed by 9:00.

A day in the life of FunJosh

FunJosh stayed up until 2:00 am because he went to play basketball with the guys.  He wakes up at 7:00, and reads his scriptures, reads the cover of each story in the Journal while eating cereal.  Shows up at work 11 minutes late because he was taking a shower later than usual. Makes fun of the students who want to become podiatrists or pharmacists, makes fun of pharmacists some more. Lucky for him, the dignitary didn’t come into the office today. Lunch with the guys is a can of Ravioli, buys a $1.86 Cheesy Gordita Crunch under the name of Wilma. Goes to the microphone on the stage in the Wilkinson Terrace. Tells a joke, rolls around on stage, hits a high note, recites a Shel Silverstein poem, improvises a song for the people.

Comments in Humanities class about how he heard that song on Groundhogs Day, or saw that painting in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Makes jokes with the professor in economics, hand shoots up immediately whenever professor asks for volunteers. 

Talk has quotes from Apocrypha, the Tao Te Ching, the Koran, Malcolm Muggeridge, and a bumper sticker. 

Writes a check to himself at bank with a memo saying, “Thanks for being you.” Buys pomegranate-flavored soda and 2 dozen cans of pop-top Ravioli, because he lost the can-opener.

While on date he publicly embarrasses himself and his date. He thinks it is hilarious.  She is not amused because she doesn’t like being pushed over. Yells in the middle of the scary movie to scare his date.  He thinks it is hilarious.  Quotes Jack Handey the entire evening and can’t even finish a sentence without laughing.  She is not amused.  

Plays basketball with the guys again, shoots from half-court.  Guys are not happy.  But John C still laughs, until FunJosh tackles him over a loose ball.

Paper? What paper? 

While playing Settlers of Catan, quotes Michael Scott from “The Office” ad nauseum. Makes fun of music majors and BYUSA.

In bed at midnight.

……

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  1. So, do the Joshes just rotate through the calendar, or are set days designated for set a set Josh (ie Monday is always work Josh)? The Josh I have known is a grand mixture of all three…a sort of frenetic whirlwind.

  2. There are days when all three are called to work, there may be days or weeks when just one is at work. It depends on the task.Freshman year in college, FunJosh all week, DateJosh all weekend.For two years, WorkJosh was almost completely in charge during the mission, even on preparation day. FunJosh is slowly dying. As I said in an earlier post, WorkJosh and DateJosh are conspiring to kill FunJosh, because WorkJosh and DateJosh know that FunJosh, while fun, may completely destroy DateJosh and WorkJosh’s chances of having long-term dates and/or work.

  3. This is a memo to work josh:FunJosh carried my uber can opener around in his pocket one day and gave it away. You still me a friggen can opener man.

  4. WorkJosh would say: I’ll get you one right away.DateJosh would say: Here’s the 12 bucks I owe you for the can-opener, and here’s a little something for your troubles. Go have a night on the town on me.FunJosh would say: Was dog a doughnut?

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