joshguessed

49th Ask Josh – The Elite8 Bachelor Log

In Uncategorized on November 2, 2008 at 11:30 pm

Elder Guest in Paraguay asked via email

 

Why is it that none of the supposed “Elite Eight” can’t hold a steady relationship… what is so Elite about them?

 

….

 

Dear Elder Guest,

 

The Elite8 are a peculiar people, a group that is unlikely to take wife. There have been a total of 10 members of the Elite8.

 

Some of our relationship statistics:

 

·      1

o   married guy (Casey – married his high school sweetheart)

o   The number of times the problem of us trying to take out the same girl was brought up in Stake Conference as a direct result of our feud.

o   Name of the Metallica song that Derek beat on Guitar Hero as well as Tenacious D’s “The Metal”, and Eric Johnson’s “Cliffs of Dover.”

 

·      2

o   The number of Elitists with girlfriends.

o   We have averaged 2.1 post-mission girlfriends (counting the same girl multiple times if they broke up and got back together again) Dane leads the pack with 6.

·      3

o   The number of different girls Josh has taken out a total of 28 times between the three of them, none of the three have ever been Josh’s girlfriend.

o   Number of Elitists that have kissed the same girl.

·      4

o   The number of hours Jeremy drove in the middle of the night to break up with a girl. In that one night, Jeremy crashed his car, had it towed twice, got two speeding tickets, another ticket for reckless driving, landed his car in a snow bank. He had already broken up with her on the phone, but he made the drive to seal the deal.

·      5

o   The number of us who were addicted to Settlers of Catan and cared more about building the longest road than we cared about going on dates.

·      6

o   Number of Elitists that took out the same girl at least once.  She egged Derek’s car and went on a mission.

o   The number of dates Nat went on in a Jewish week.

·      7

o   Number of us that were addicted to the Rock Band video game, we took our band Fretless Notre Dame all around the world.

·      9

o   The number of dates Nat went on with his co-worker who never considered him more than a friend.

·      15

o   Number of first dates Nat went on his first semester back.

·      17

o   Total number of girls we have kissed since the mission. Jeremy hasn’t kissed anyone.  Excluding Jeremy, we have kissed 2.375 girls per guy.

 

·      18.3

o   The average number of months the remaining single Elitists have been back from their missions without any of them getting married or even engaged.

·      41

o   The number of months Josh went without seeing a girl whom he claimed as his girlfriend. 

·      99

o   The percent of the distance Nat went towards his first post-mission kiss.  She did not reciprocate the necessary 1%.

·      165

o   The number of post-mission man-months we have spent dating without any of us getting married.

 

 

 

Here is a breakdown of the most recent failures of our Elitists in their soulmate search.

 

Derek S.

 

·      No matter where he lives his last ward had a far better dating pool, and his next one will be even better.

·      Takes every girl on the exact same date, to the exact same stadium, to the exact same seat.

·      Really into his band, which is appropriately named, “Broken Hearted Rounds.” As of this writing, he is currently Facebook chatting with one of his groupies.

·      Most recent girlfriend egged his car and went on a mission.

 

Zack O.

 

·      Has found “The One” eight times.

·      Eight times she has turned into  “The One That Got Away”

·      Looking for “Organic Love”

·      The last girl he took seriously was a sex therapist.

 

Josh G.

 

·      Heartless / Dead inside.

·      Exclusively dates girls who aren’t interested in him, they generally have the same name.  Took out his mother’s ex-boyfriend’s daughter.

·      Refuses to give up Neil Diamond or Cat Stevens for any woman.

·      Got broken up with during intermission of the opera, dropped her off at home, went back to finish the opera (hence, the heartlessness / death inside-ness).

 

 

Nat H.

 

·      Wants to date the girls that aren’t interested in Josh.

·      Never answers girls’ petitions for him to go to Preference dances

·      His apartment smells really bad on account of his roommates.

·      Had a girl cancel a date with him the night before, found her in the seat behind him with a different date.

 

Dane R.

 

·      Has taken the lead by having a relationship that has lasted more than two weeks now.

·      Lives in Orem.

·      Brought back the Novembu-hairy holiday.

·      Three ex-girlfriends got together to have a lunch meeting about him.

 

John C.

 

·      Really wants us to go to Times Square for New Year’s Eve.

·      Breaks into churches to play basketball.

·      Saving up to buy a Segway.

·      Has an extra ticket to go see Disney on Ice.

 

John B.

 

·      Little bro just backed his truck into a pole.

·      Really into Disc Golf right now.

·      Apple Inc. stocks were cut in half in the last month.  You try romancing after that.

·      Has a girlfriend. We’re very proud of him.

 

 

Jeremy L.

 

·      Dates his boss, but denies it.

·      Self-impoverished by attending all concerts in Utah, Idaho, and anywhere the Counting Crows play.

·      Still into the jump-roping thing.

·      Refuses to like girls until they have boyfriends. Won’t date them once they’re single because he doesn’t want to be a rebound.

 

 

 

Bryce A.

 

·      Becomes profane at sporting events.

·      Has the goolies for girls considerably shorter than him.

·      Can’t date any of his sister’s roommates.

·      Still hasn’t recovered from that one time when he made-out with a girl he home-taught.

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  1. First of all, Andy, are you supposed to be reading blogs? Secondly, Josh, very fun answer, however, after this one you may have no guy friends left as well as no girl friends. It’s a good thing your family loves you!

  2. Andy has never seen the blog. He is a thoroughly obedient missionary. He only submitted the question because I asked him to in a letter.

  3. Funny post, Josh. Way to be loyal to Neil and Cat. They’re awesome!Why does John C.’s not say anything related to dating? Although, I’m sure some girl would LOVE to go to see Disney, he should look into that.

  4. Josh, you have outdone yourself, I read it during class and was crying trying to hold in my laughter. Those around me were looking at me weird.

  5. First of all the fact that you all call yourself the “elite 8” is obnoxious. I am pretty sure no one on this earth is cool enough to call themselves elite, actually it makes me think you guys are kind of tools. Remember that whole pride thing? Ya you all served mission, you all have read “beware of pride”, but maybe it’s time to reread it. And the fact that you all pass around girls like a good book, what the heck. That is just straight up weird. Don’t brag about that, it actually makes you guys look like too big of pansies to find your own dates, and oh yes kind of easy. Does it ever make you nervous that one of you “elite” brothers might be making friends with your current date just so they can ask her out the next week? I would not leave anyone I was interested in alone in a group with stats like that. But that is just me.Anyway I am pretty sure your posting of these “elite/egotistical” stats has secured you all a reserved seat on the “home alone on Friday night watching bad reruns” express. Perhaps it is time for the “egotistical 8” to stop having “group meetings” (What are you guys still thinking you are on the mission and need to discuss weekly goals? Or is it still Boy Scouts and you act as one another’s den mothers? Either way that is totally creepy. Grow up guys) and start making their own friends…or is the rest of the world just not “elite” enough.

  6. oh how true…oh how true.

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