joshguessed

11th Ask Josh – Gowns

In Uncategorized on August 18, 2008 at 6:43 am

Josh, I have a question for you. Why are graduation gowns so expensive.  I mean, let’s be honest, all it is is a sheet with an ugly hat.

-Sue Dahle M.
————-
Dear SUUUUUUUE DAHHHHHle!,
Oh how glad I am that you done up and aksed me a quetchshun.  I love your maiden name.  Your new name is great, too.
While you might find the cost of a graduation gown to be a bit on the exorbitant side, allow me to freshen your perspective on the cost of gowns these days. In reality, a graduation gown is the cheapest gown on the market.  If you were getting a doctorate degree, a graduation cap and gown set will cost you $585.  Sounds like a lot? You have no grasp of the gown world, my friend.
Consider the average stay at a hospital.  One night at a hospital is going to cost you about $2000, it could be a lot more if you are actually sick or injured.  Why so much? Well, I broke it down like this:
Registration fees: $5
Cost of replacing the wax paper they put on the doctor’s bench:$0.10
Cost of custodian: Free, they’re just volunteers.
Doctor: $190.90. (He has to charge kind of a lot because he is still paying off his debts for buying his doctorate cap and gown set)
Flimsy hospital gown: $1800
Snowglobe at the gift shop: $4.00.
You see, your money, and your insurer’s money is going to that small gown that covers next to nothing, especially if you’re in Chile where you are a foot taller than the average person and you have only been there for a week and you don’t speak Spanish and your derriere is hanging out of your tiny Chilean-sized hospital gown for all of South America to see and laugh at but you don’t understand what sound they’re making until your translator whispers to you “they’re laughing at you”, but I digress.
But even hospital gowns are next to nothing compared to wedding gowns. Consider the fact that designer dresses can run up to $6000, plus the cost of customization and fitting.  Also consider the fact that graduation is going to happen 3 or so times in your life. For a total of about $1000 maximum.With the divorce rate over fifty percent and still climbing, and with the possibility of universal healthcare on its way, you can see how our entire nation is going to be spent on gowns as people keep getting re-married and keep going to the hospital for a free gown.
Our current population is over 301,000,000.   Now, if you consider the No Child Left Behind Act, that means that every American will graduate, and if Barack Obama takes office, that means free college for everyone. meaning everyone will have to wear at least two gowns, for a cost of about $1000 a head for a total of $301 billion.
Soon Americans will be averaging, this is just a guess here, around 21 marriages in a life time.  We’ll round it down to 20 for calculations’ sake. Assuming half of those people getting married are women, we are talking over 150 million women multiplied by 20 lifetime marriages multiplied by $6000 a dress brings us to a total of $18,000,000,000,000.  That’s Eighteen trillion dollars! Eighteen million million dollars!
There is also a good chance that Universal healthcare is on its way.  So that means every American will be rushing hospitals to get their free gown at least 12 times a year. , our birth rate being 14 people per thousand, that means in the next year we will have, another 4 million babies on our hands, each with its own gown as well, they’re visiting the hospital too, you know. So 304,000,000 people times twelve visits a year times $1800 for the price of the flimsy gown, that is another $6.59 trillion.
Hospital, wedding, and graduation gowns total about $25 trillion.  Our Gross Domestic Product is $13 trillion.  So that means that we will have spent every last American resource just to pay for a little over half of all the gowns we will be using.
I hope this has given you some perspective on your views of “a sheet and an ugly hat” pricing.  Gee, Sue. You got a lot of growing up to do.
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  1. Dear Josh,You are hilarious!! Thanks for the laughs. :)Your friend,Stella

  2. why is there an ad for ‘date married women now!’ on your blog?

  3. Josh Guest!Wow. Not only are you extremely funny, but you are a talented writer. I saw your plug for your blog on facebook so I decided to check it out.You set the bait, I’ll bite:What are your top 5 favorite songs for a sleepy lazy Sunday night at 1:10 am?

  4. Oh yes, and why?

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