joshguessed

Archive for July, 2008|Monthly archive page

Garage Sale

In Uncategorized on July 19, 2008 at 12:23 am

Tomorrow I am having my first garage sale. I am selling some of my nerd gear including but not limited to:

3 swords (1 fantasy sword, 2 samurai swords) Note: I promise I didn’t buy those. Those were given to me as a way of getting out of paying me.
3000 Magic: The Gathering cards (Okay, those I did buy… over a long time and at the cost of a lot of money).
1 paintball gun, a Tippmann A5 with all the trimmings including the electronic trigger, flatline barrel, low-pressure chamber kit, nitro bottle.
A great big box of Legos.
A hundred Playstation games.
Star Wars miniatures and action figures.
Full-size GI Joes. (And no, they aren’t from my childhood. They were purchased when I was at an age rather bizarre for a man to be buying dolls.)
A bunch of golf clubs.

I am happy to report that I am not selling my books.

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Words of Comfort to a Nurse

In Uncategorized on July 18, 2008 at 11:11 am

A certain nurse, or medical technician assistant, or some kind of young medical person texted me this morning fretting over her first time lancing a boil all by herself. She had done similar procedures before with supervision and help. But the doctor was out of town today. So she had to take it upon herself to destroy the offending boil from the old lady’s (I don’t know if it is an old lady, I just imagine it that way. I figure old ladies get a lot of boils) body.

I received this text from the medicine practitioner we shall call Ashlyn. Note: I added some stuff.

Ashlyn: “Josh I am freaking out about this procedure by myself. Say something comforting. LOL JK TTYL.”

Me: “A botched boil is not life-threatening. And you are a very fine person.”

Me: “Is a botched boil life threatening? I wonder if Malt O’ Meal makes their own big bag version of Cream of Wheat. Maybe Mythbusters will try to debunk the lethal botched boil legend if you submit it to them. They are doing all viewers’ requests next month.”

Nigel Lythgoe from “So You Think You Can Dance”: “I sawrs it arn the Discuvvry channole. It warsn’t dancing, it wozz mo like four nerds hitting awrn a short red-headed Cat Deeley.”

Me: “I don’t think nurses can get sued for malpractice.”

Me: “You think Lindsay Lohan could be a nurse if she just applied herself a little more in school? If so, then mmmmm boy!”

Ashlyn: “I can’t get sued but its an extremly [sic] vascular are[a] and the last thing I want is blood spuing [sic] everywhere.”

Mary from “So You Think You Can Dance.”: “Well I’m an expert on blood spewing everywhere and that puts you back on the Hot Tamale Train. WOOOOOO!”

Josh: “Tell the patient to hold their breath and then ice their whole body down. Then they will be as if dead. And dead men don’t bleed. Or so I’m told.”

Nigel: “I told you that. And your name isn’t Sex. It’s David.”

David: “I believe in myself, and my dreams. I am a dancer.”

Nigel: “No, you’re not.”

So You Think You Can Dance

In Uncategorized on July 18, 2008 at 12:43 am

Goodbye Kehrington. You had a good run. But in the end, you’re nothing but a lot of talk and a face. That’s right. A lot of talk and a face.

I hope Chelsie Hightower wins. Just like I hope Mitt Romney wins. I love Mitt Romney.

New York trip

In Uncategorized on July 17, 2008 at 11:19 pm

Dear Readers,

I took a minute-by-minute account of my sojourn to New York with Bryce A, John B, and John C. Funny, if you line up their initials you might say they are the “A.B.C.” or the “B.J’s”, one being a great MoTown classic, another being a lovely family restaurant with delicious vanilla milkshakes…my friends, embodying the two extremes of the racial spectrum. But I digress.

Day 1 and most of Day 2 of the New York trip are posted on the Elite 8 blog, for those of you who didn’t get a chance to read that I will post it here for your convenience and/or review:

Day 1 – Friday, April 25.
13:10 Bryce and Josh throw neighbors’ penguin Christmas decoration into tree.
13:12 Bryce and Josh throw eggs (6) at aforementioned penguin.
14:15 We load our stuff into Bryce’s cousins’ car. Bryce and John packed large luggage and are forced to share one seatbelt while Bryce’s excessively large bag takes up two and one-third of the backseats. Josh sits in front with one of my two carry-on sized pieces while John and Bryce cuddle in their one seat.
16:29 Check in at airport. John pays $80 for overweight luggage. Bryce refuses to pay $80 and moves toiletries to his carry-on backpack. Josh’s two carry-on sized pieces make it through without problem.
16:32 Bryce caught trying to smuggle toiletries containing more than 3 oz. of liquid onto plane. Bryce forced to surrender toiletries to security. Josh tells security lady that it is Bryce’s first time leaving his small community and it is his first flight. She thinks it cute and allows me to take a picture of Bryce getting his toiletries confiscated.
17:21 Josh wins overwhelmingly over other passengers at in-flight trivia game. Raises fist in air to taunt other contestants.Mavs win basketball game.John laughs.Bryce buys “The Golden Compass” with credit card for in-flight movie.Bryce falls asleep watching Golden Compass.John starts word puzzle.John decides word puzzle is impossible.John gives word puzzle to Josh.Josh solves word puzzle in 30 seconds.John orders cranberry juice to clean kidneys.Josh orders tomato juice.Bryce orders Sprite and a pocketful of mumbles (such are promises).Gay man-steward calls Bryce “Sweetie” because he didn’t know how to put his chair up for landing.Gay man-steward helps Bryce with his chair.Bryce gives back the pocketful of mumbles.

Day 2 – 04/26 – Saturday
01:00 Arrive at Crespo home – John Brunt kills Josh at ping pong.
01:12 Group meets John C’s dog, Tonti. (Authors Note: When we heard that John was really excited about seeing his dog. We (or at least I) thought that it would be some mean giant German shepherd or something like that. It turned out to be this plump, little weiner Dachsund that was just sort of pathetic and didn’t do anything. For the rest of trip I would call the dog “Hey Tonti, I-Can’t-Believe-You’re-John’s-Dog”)
01:32 John Brunt and Josh sleep in the same bed. John didn’t realize what was happening until the next morning.11:00 Everyone has to use one travel-size tube of toothpaste. Because Bryce gave his toothpaste away to the airport people.
11:32 Josh didn’t know there was shampoo and used bodywash in lieu of shampoo.
12:30 – Sister Crespo tells us the story of how Stefen Zackery Oates called a girl and asked her out on her first date. After she accepted, Zack yelled, “April Fools” at which point the girl realized that she had been on speaker and heard the entire Priest’s Quorum of Zack’s ward. Apparently the invitation was feigned as an April Fools’ Day “prank”. The girl in question could hardly stand to show her face in Church for a year. We also found out that Zack tried asking out a 14-year-old.
14:15 Ferry to Ellis Island. We read maps looking for restaurants. We found a gay lounge. (I am not making this up) The location: Hell (see”New York City Day by Day” pg. 26).
15:00 Arrive at Ellis Island. We check out one audio tour so we don’t all have to pay. We take turns rotating as narrator to entire group. Ellis Island is famous of course for being the location where millions of people saw Will Smith make Eva Mendes cry in the movie “Hitch.”While on Ellis Island we found out the origins of certain words like podunk (Algonquin), schnook, banjo, bum, nix, bud, schlep, ouch, schlock, futz, savvy, schlepper, tote (Totes!), boondock, phooey, poppycock, bozo, hunky-dory, kibitz, schnozz, shtik, schmo,
15:25 – Ellis Island is the tower of Babel. Nobody speaks English.
15:40 we learn that an x inscribed in a circle means that someone is definitely mentally ill. X is suspected mentally ill. S is senility. We felt like writing X’s and S’s on people’s clothes with chalk. Just like they used to in the olden day.
16:35 We arrive on Manhattan Island at Battery Park taking the same ferry they used in “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.” Took our picture with the Statue of Liberty in background. John Brunt poses fitting an entire garbage barge in his mouth.
16:36 The first thing we do in New York? John C gets his picture next to a man dressed like Spiderman (Bryce thinks he is the real Spiderman. “That’s his voice,” Bryce says). Bryce takes picture with man who is dressed as Statue of Liberty. Statue of Liberty makes Bryce wear his Hepatitis-laden statue paraphernalia, makes Bryce pay him $1 for getting his picture with him. Bryce doesn’t know how to just say no and walk away.
16:40 We spend 5 minutes trying to make the chiming steps play the notes to “N-B-C”17:00 Arrive at Ground Zero. As we take a moment to reverently contemplate the bravery of those involved in the incident at that historical place, a short Asian man is clotheslined by a Parking sign.
17:05 Street protestors hand Josh a leaflet talking about the 9/11 conspiracy, setting a precedent for the rest of the trip. Josh would accept and keep anything that anybody handed him on the street for the rest of the trip.
17:20 St. Paul’s Church. Saw George Washington’s pew.
17:30 got bored of St. Paul’s Church.

That’s where we left off. I now present to you Part II.

17:42 John B advises me to never pay more than $20 for cologne on the street
17:45 We see cologne vendors on the street on the way to Chinatown.
17:50 I ask ethnic cologne street vendor about Acqua Di Gio. I asked how much. He said $45. I said I’ll get some on the way back. He asked how much would I be willing to pay to buy it now. I said $20 (Thanks Lowell). He said $25. I said for $25 I would wait. He said $20. I bought my Acqua Di Gio, and I was happy.
18:00 Josh buys tickets to Wicked over the phone. As of this writing, John B still owes him $135 for the ticket.
18:20 John B spoke Chinese in a restaurant called “Excellent Dumpling.” He ordered the Pou, the Shelon Pou.
18:27 Bryce took the lid off the soy sauce and poured way too much soy sauce on his pou. He absolutely soy-led his pou.
18:55 – Enter Subway
18:58:07 – I swipe my Metro card, no response
18:58:12 – I flip my Metro card and swipe again, no response
18:58:27 – I don’t know what to do.
19:00 – John B has string hanging off his pant leg of his jeans. He has Bryce stand on it as he throws his leg back in order to remove the offending string.
19:02 – We are still laughing at John for ripping his pants in public, in a New York subway station no less, and I still can’t get my card to work.
19:03 Bryce says (referring to John and his recently ripped pants) “He now looks like a homeless man.”
19:10 – Crazy homeless man asks if I am some guy’s son. I say no. I pause. I wait a minute. Then I ask him, “are you?” He says no. Oh. So I guess we aren’t brothers (Which was not true. He was a brother… Totes).
19:30 – Times Square Toys ‘R Us. Hank Aaron autographed baseball: $420. Michael Jordan autographed basketball: $1700. Darth Vader replica helmet: $999.99.
19:59 – Times Square Foot Locker. John B showed us Kobe Bryant’s shoes.
20:15 – Nice young man gave offered to sell me tickets to the best comedy club in New York for only $5.
20:20 – Hershey store. Found the largest Hershey Bar ever: 5 pound Times Square edition.
21:00 Break at Bread Factory for Cheesecake. Bryce buys a black and white cookie like the one on Seinfeld.
21:05 Buy tickets for 21:11 train.
21:22 We realize we missed the 21:11 train.
21:46 We walk past Madison Square Garden.
21:47 Scalper swore at us for not talking to him. He was not nearly so nice as the nice young man who offered me tickets to the best comedy club in New York.
21:48 New York girl looked at me. I said howdy. She said hi. I walked away.
21:49 Followed a cop for a while (we heard on his radio that a woman kicked a guy)
21:53 We spotted a bearded lady dragging a trash bag. I am still focused on following the cop.
21:59 I sit down next to and talk to the woman who kicked the guy after the cop finished talking to her. I have a nice conversation with the nice lady. She too was a brother.
22:12 Got on train after running after it.
23:37 After getting off train, John B hits head on a Do Not Enter sign.

Day 2 statistics:
Pictures:
Josh’s Camera – 20; John B’s iPhone – 9; Bryce – 49 + 2 videos.
Communications:
Calls from Lindsay E – 1; Calls from Bryce’s parents – 2; Text messages from Josh’s dad – 20.
Expenditures:
Passage on ship $54; Tour $54; Seinfeld cookie $3; Cheesecake $16; Train ticket $50; Wicked tickets $470; Picture of Bryce with creepy Statue of Liberty man $1.

Highlights of the Day:
John C – seeing Spiderman
John B – Chinatown
Josh – Cologne bargaining
Bryce – Black and White cookie

Disappointments of the Day:
John B – No women
Bryce – Running and missing train
John C – Ripping pants
Josh – Having to carry everyone’s water in backpack.

DAY 3 – April 27 – Sunday
00:10 Arrive at Lowell’s house
11:27 Girl (possible soulmate?) sits by Josh in Church. Name: Andrea.
13:29 Bryce admits dreamy-eyed pre-missionary “Got to him.”
15:03 Bryce put his shirt on backwards
15:04 Supper
15:28 Guys watch Josh commit suicide multiple times on Super Smash Bros.
17:19 Lowell’s mom takes out for a nature adventure, or as we call it: Vision Quest.
17:28 Arrive at waterfall for Vision Quest.
17:37 Josh fell in river.
17:45 Josh knocked over a tree to get out of his promise to not return home until he had kissed a girl. Mrs. Crespo not impressed.
17:53 Laughed at sign about American Beech latin name (Fagus grandifolia). Mrs. Crespo not impressed.
21:08 Bryce broke chair during snacktime. Force to take nap nap time early.

Day 4 – 4/28 – Monday – Rainy all day. Very rainy.
01:07 – Set alarm clock for 06:00
06:00 – Bryce woken up by alarm. Goes back to bed
06:30 – Sister Crespo tells us to get up.
08:17 – Bryce says, “If you don’t believe me, you can fight me.”
10:24 – Rupert’s Deli with Rupert from the Letterman show. We all get our picture with Rupert. Bryce buys a meal so Rupert doesn’t think he was using him.
10:26 – We receive a call saying that we have been invited to sit in on the recording of the Letterman show. We were on Karen’s Gold list and we were to return between 2 or 3 pm.
10:29 What does “Gllder mig…tak” mean?
10:55 Museum of Natural History. What does “suggested admission” mean?
10:57 Oh, suggested admission means you pay and you can’t get out of it.
11:11 We find out our weight on Mars: JB 81; JG 78; JC 75; BA 5.
11:16 Stopped staring at the water dripping from the ceiling 4 stories above us into garbage can. Bryce caught one in mouth.
11:17 Bryce regrets catching one in mouth.
11:18-12:11 – Whales, Squids, Dinosaurs. People who look like whales, squids, dinosaurs.
12:13 In line to get into special Butterfly exhibit.
12:33 Enter the Butterfly Vivarium. Butterflies fly all around and surround us. Josh slapped his arm, caused everyone in the room to gasp and look at him. A classroom of little girls nearly fainted.
16:15 – Letterman guy tells us to make sure we laugh a lot during the show.
16:40 – Letterman guy tells us to shutup.
16:50 – Gwyneth Paltrow enters show. We steal Letterman’s umbrellas to teach him for telling us to shut up.
17:50 – Museum of Modern Art gift shop
NBA Store
Disney store
St. Patrick’s Cathedral
Rockefeller Center (we look at the flags from our missions)
Nintendo store
Nike store
Apple store
20:45 Bryce & John fight with Letterman’s umbrellas.
20:46 Bryce laments breaking Letterman’s umbrella.
20:50 Carnegie Deli – didn’t know what to do with pickles. Josh’s dad recommends via text that we all share one sandwich. Josh gets his own Woody Allen sandwich.
21:00 Josh wishes he listend to Dad.
21:11 Josh gives up, his plate is still covered with corned beef and pastrami. John C finishes his sandwich. He says he made it his “what what.”
21:22 – Get our picture next to the big pickle, order a Carnegie Deli cheesecake to go: $17.
22:00 Arrive at hotel looking over Times Square. Everyone soaked from being out in the rain all day.
22:39 – Ate Carnegie Deli cheesecake… amazing.

Statistics:
Spendings: Train $54; Carnegie Deli $114; Museum $54; Cat Stevens music book (I forgot to mention we went to a music store before Carnegie Deli) $32; Pizza $47 (I forgot to mention we had New York pizza, Bryce couldn’t finish his). Hotel $256; Rupert’s Deli $12.50.
Texts from Josh’s dad: 26

Tuesday – April 29
06:00 Wake up early to go see Today Show
08:30 Decide we aren’t going to see the Today Show
08:50 John and Josh (without shoes) find out that there is no free breakfast.
13:37 Metropolitan Museum of Art
14:36 Saw the place in Central Park where MacCauley Culkin set off the fireworks in Home Alone 2.
14:37 Saw the fountain from the movie “Enchanted.”
14:38 Guy kicked us off the fountain cause Natalie Portman was supposedly directing a film down there.
14:45 – New York Temple, Lincoln Square, Giulliard School of Music
14:50 – Slept on Subway despite Petula Clark’s advice (if you don’t get that joke, you never will)
15:50 – Little Italy – Gelato. Josh got chocolate pistachio
16:00 Bryce’s Strachiatta falls off, John B caught it.
16:01 Bryce irate over fallen Strachiatta, pouts, sits in water, doesn’t care.
16:12 Back in Chinatown, John B shows us street market duck, squid, eel, and poo poo fruit.
16:20 Underground Chinese Massage parlor. Sign says “No sexual.” We didn’t go in.
16:40 Bryce gets bag stuck to his foot. Still no sexual.
16:54 John denied admittance to Subway (look at these precious coins).
17:28 Bullet elevator to “The View” restaurant.
19:00 “Wicked” at the Gershwin theater.
20:30 Intermission. Bryce thought it was over already.
22:05 We run all the way to Penn Station.
22:15 We made the train
22:43 Mav’s fall, Lowell’s heart breaks. No sexual.
23:15 Josh finishes Dante’s “Inferno.”
23:45 Josh discovers that his Acqua Di Gio and the Tommy Hilfiger he later bought are both fake and smell like gasoline.

So You Think You Can Dance

In Uncategorized on July 15, 2008 at 12:02 am

I love “So You Think You Can Dance.”

More on that later.

Old Man and the Me finished

In Uncategorized on July 14, 2008 at 11:53 pm

Announcement: The second part of The Old Man and the Me is finished and is now attached to the original post.

Summer Reading

In Uncategorized on July 9, 2008 at 12:31 pm

Many have been asking me what books I have been reading this summer and they always ask me if I have read such and such a book. This discussion board will open it up for anyone to add their summer reading picks are. So far I have read this summer:

A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich – Alexander Solzhenitsyn
The Jungle – Upton Sinclair
The Inferno – Dante Aligheri
Trusting Jesus – Jeffrey R. Holland
Twelfth Night – Shakespeare
Tao Te Ching – Lao Tzu (The book of scripture for Taoism)
Speeches That Changed the World – Various, including Churchill, Jesus, Moses, Hitler, Stalin, Lenin, Gandhi, George W., Patton, and others.
Jesus Rediscovered – Malcolm Muggeridge
Beyond Personality – C.S. Lewis
Civil Disobedience – Henry David Thoreau
The Great Divorce – C.S. Lewis
The Miracle of Forgiveness – Spencer W. Kimball
As You Like It – Shakespeare
What Wives Expect of Husbands – Brent A. Barlow

I am currently reading these:
A Disciple’s Life: The Biography of Neal A. Maxwell – Bruce C. Hafen
Discourses of Gordon B. Hinckley vol. 1 (1994-1999?)
Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
The Essential Writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson
Walden – Henry David Thoreau
Lincoln (Biography of Abraham Lincoln) – Hoover
The Aeneid – Virgil
Faith, a Principle of True Religion – Gordon B. Hinckley
Promise of Discipleship – Neal A. Maxwell
Taming of the Shrew – Shakespeare

Before the end of the summer I plan on reading:
Discourses of Gordon B. Hinckley vol. 2 (2000-2004)
Othello, The Merchant of Venice – Shakespeare
Oedipus at Colonus – Sophocles

And if I have time:

He’s Just Not That Into You – Greg Behrendt
Harry Potter
Twilight Series (I read the first one and hated it)
As A Man Thinketh
The Infinite Atonement – Callister
The Autobiography of Parley P. Pratt

Let me know if you have any other good reads please.

Cheers.

The Old Man and the Me.

In Uncategorized on July 8, 2008 at 12:06 am

NOTE: This is the first half of a rough draft that my fashion consultant decided could not wait to be posted another day. So here it is. Sorry if I haven’t even read it while I was typing it.
Big hugs and wet kisses,
Josh

On the fourth of July, ironically the day of independence, I was taken captive by a man exercising his freedom of speech.

I entered the Provo Barnes and Noble. I perused the discount books, the $2.98 deals, the best-sellers, the discount hardcovers, the recently released paperbacks. I looked among the “Last Chance” books. I thought I might take up tap-dancing, why not be the next Fred Astaire? Who else my age will recognize his feats so long after his fifteen minutes were up?

The sci-fi and fantasy struck little interest in me. Dungeons and Dragons for Dummies had only minor appeal. I wanted to read Voltaire’s Candide and maybe Machiavelli’s Mandrake again. I was suddenly reminded of a friend, a girl, who told me of a book about making sense of men, the girl was a major advocate of He’s Just Not That Into You, and I imagined she would be at the midnight showing when movie version came out. I passed the section titled “Harry Potter,” somewhat awed and also annoyed at the presumption of someone making a rack based entirely on a single book series, the only other book with such a demarcation from other books being the Bible. Nevertheless, I found the section. I found no book about making sense of men, I texted the girl who is a friend to find out the author’s name, only to receive no response. I deigned not to ask a store clerk, neither dared I ask the name of the author of He’s Just Not That Into You. So I went through the Relationship rack, book by book, picking up some books of potential interest. I had no intent to buy, only to enjoy on the chair in the corner until the store closed at 6 pm for holiday hours. I picked up The Lost Art of Listening, later 10 Things to Talk About Before You Get Married, I eventually happened upon The Essential Writings of Voltaire, which included Candide, not because I had sought it out, but only because it sat just behind me as sat on my haunches perusing the lower rows of the Relationship rack. Returning to my search, I picked up How to Talk to Anyone, and some book for self-conscious girls about getting straight answers from gay guys. Why not? I’m not buying it, and maybe I want to know what a gay guy would say to my girlfriend that I allegedly wouldn’t want to tell her in earnest?

I found a chair, right in the corner. There were eight or so such chairs spread out in an oval wide enough to make it difficult for anyone to talk without raising his voice for all to hear. A magazine had been left on the seat. Other than that there was no sign that the former occupant would be returning. I first opened a book about the Top 10 Books that have ruined the world. Then I started on the questions before marriage. I turned straight to the section about s**. Being what the book politely described as a “presexual erotophobe” the author candidly described how I should go about discussing such a taboo topic among Mormon singles. I didn’t have time to read all the way to that section, so I got right to it, I would take care of questions about money, family, jobs, criminal records, and the etcetera etcetera another day.

CONTINUED

As I was saying, I was reading the section about… about… well whatever it was I was reading about. And I was about to go pick up the book about “How to get a guy when you’re 30, 40, or 50.” Just to see what kind of tips it might have so I would see through the moves if perchance they should ever be used on me next time I find myself in a singles’ bar. Can’t be too careful.

C.M. Tanner, a one-legged fat man interrupted my reading asking me if I knew if the University of Oregon had a good writing school. He was referring to my hat with a large “O” on it. I told him I didn’t know anything about good writing, that’s why I’m a journalist.

The one-legged fat man told me his story, his entire story. At any moment I realized that I had every right to let my mind wander or to interrupt him or to ignore him. But against my instincts I decided I would hear this man out. I never once asked him to continue talking. I looked him straight in the eyes and decided to listen to what he was telling me.

He was a film student. He told me all about the Russian cinema and his dreams of starting a film school comparable to that of NYU. He told me about his book and asked if I had heard of it. I didn’t say anything but smiled politely to let him know in my own subtle way so that he knew that I knew that he was nobody. Being a bit of a movie buff myself, I asked him one question. The only clue that I gave him the entire three hours that I had any interest in all in what he was saying. “What is your top movie on your list?” He told me all about the book he wrote about movies and how he had seen awful pornographic movies that he hoped I would never see. And he stated his 4 #1 movies. I don’t know how he did it, but he had them. They included Last Tango in Paradise, and some hard core torture porn.

I wondered why he had just one leg, that’s what stood out the most. He told me he had an M5000 or something in the parking lot. “Did you see my M5000 on your way in?” He asked.

“I don’t know cars,” I said.

“It’s a motorcycle,” Mr. Tanner said.

I thought in my head that he must have wrecked his bike and lost his leg that way. But as he kept scratching his remaining leg I thought there must have been something else. Maybe he was born with it.

“I have diabetes,” he said. Ah yes, that must have been it. Then he told me his entire list of medical problems. Yes, the fat man had problems not a few.

He told me of his going in and out of the Church, his going in and out of marriage, his going in and out of school, his going in and out of careers, his inconstancy to all things. He had spent his whole life with one foot in sea and one on shore. That’s why he only had one foot left maybe. I could tell he felt guilty about his not being able to make up his mind and never find anything that he could get really good at and therefore make his opinion of any worth to anyone. As he continued to tell me his opinions on everything from religion, raising children, movies, philanthropy, I realized that nobody had ever fulfilled this man’s one inner wish, that someone would ask him what he thinks. I could tell that nobody ever asked him for advice, yet he yearned to dispense it. He was like a prophet without honor in his own country.

It was apparent that he felt guilty for not maintaining his standing in the Church. He asked if I was a member of the Church. I said, almost smugly, that I was indeed a member of the Church and was never to go inactive ever. Before I could finish he was already back to talking about himself. He asked me about myself merely as a formality, or just so he could get a breath in. Yes, he felt guilty for leaving the Church. In his mind he decided he would justify it by going to all the Churches.

“I brought a bag of 1oo pounds of rice to the Hare Krishna temple,” he said. “Well, actually, the rice falls all over the place when I’m riding on my motorcycle, so I brought 10 bucks.”

I didn’t nod. I didn’t give any approval. I just continued to look him in the eye to let him know that I would hear the man out until he had spoken his piece.

15 years later in film school without a degree, one unhappily married son who works as a model, a single daughter studying biochemistry. He tried to make me feel stupid by mentioning books and movies that I hadn’t read or heard of.

“You read ‘The Jungle.’?” He said.

“Last month,” said I.

“Utopia?”

“It’s on the coffee table in my hotel room.”

“Thomas More invented Mormonism you know?”

“No he didn’t. That’s a silly idea.”

“Ever seen Triumph of the Will?”

“Yes, we own it.”

“That will make you say ‘Heil Hitler’ by the end.”

“I didn’t say that.”

That was the most I ever participated in the conversation in so many words.

Other readers came and went from the chair right beside him, yet there I stayed.

He told me he was heading up the newspaper at Utah Valley University. I would venture to guess that even there, where he is the boss (or so he says) nobody asks him for advice. He wished his title gave him the recognition he felt entitled to. He wanted to make the motto of the paper, “Why…”.

Just prior to leaving I wanted to ask the man, “Now, you have talked to me for the better part of three hours without any solicitation from me or even any hint that I wanted to hear anything you just said. I want you to tell me ‘Why…’ you told me all this. What do you want me to take from this?”

I didn’t ask him that. I already knew. I had no need to hear it from him.

I was finally asked to leave by the other members of my party. I stood up and walked to Mr. Tanner to shake his hand.

“It was nice hearing from you,” I said, not with any irony or mocking in my voice, I just told him that it was nice hearing him.

“Help me up, would ya?” he said. “I’ve been talking all this time trying to get you to leave just so I could get you to help me up on your way out. What took you so long? How could you listen to all that drivel? Are you some kind of a masochist?”

He didn’t say that. I wish he had. So ended my time with C.M. Tanner.