joshguessed

1st Ask Josh Inquiry. RE: Neil Diamond

In Uncategorized on July 19, 2008 at 1:09 am

Our first inquiry into the Ask Josh series has come in. DiamondFan4Evr writes:

“Dear Josh, I love the musical stylings of Neil Diamond. He is the greatest singer/songwriter of this or any other generation. My question is this: where does he get his ideas?”

Dear DiamondFan4Evr,

First of all, allow me to compliment your name. And I must agree with you, Neil Leslie “the Diamond Cutter” Diamond is indeed the greatest singer/songwriter of this or any other generation. I would like to commend you in the style of Robert Shaw portraying King Henry VIII in the film adaptation of Robert Bolt’s A Man For All Seasons. To wit, “Why, your taste in music is excellent! It coincides exactly with my own! Look, mud!”

Known by members of the gentile community as “The Jewish Elvis,” Mr. Diamond’s musical genius has oft been lampooned, even mocked in “comedy” shows such as Saving Silverman and Saturday Night Live. Here are some of the ideas submitted:

Red Red Wine – Neil “Robert Frost” Diamond’s psychic powers knew that a certain group named UB40 would be looking for a song about raging alcoholism. Diamond obliged them by writing the song just as his gift to the reggae community. And my I say, it “make me feel so fine all of the time.”

Coming to America – “Few people realize that I am fueled creatively by my massive hatred of immigrants. Gary and I have gone on for hours about how much we hate foreigners. I wrote this song expressing my love of this great country, and my intense hatred of all people with dark skin.” That of course is what Saturday Night Live would make you think. Coming to America is actually an anagram for Co-Ming-Toma Rice, the birth name of current Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. You see, Neil Diamond prophesied her ascension to the presidency in the year 2020 at the conclusion of Mitt Romney’s third term.

Heartlight – Mr. Diamond is credited with saying, “Because my musical training has been limited, I’ve never been restricted by what technical musicians might call a song.” Given this freedom, Neil has sought inspiration from sometimes unorthodox parts of whatever culture he lives in. The song “Heartlight” actually comes from E.T. when the Elliot tells a dead E.T. that he loves him. The necromancing powers of love between the boy and his dead alien friend set E.T. aglow. His heart literally lights up and remains so through the conclusion of the film. Mr. Diamond was so touched by this seen and reminded him of when he was once buried alive for 6 whole days and he said he would have been discovered alive earlier had he had a glowing heart of his own. Since he could not get his own heart to glow, he made the petition to the world through song for all people to “turn on your heartlight.”

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  1. I am now caught up on all ask josh questions. What are you going to do to celerate the 50th ask josh?

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