joshguessed

New York trip

In Uncategorized on July 17, 2008 at 11:19 pm

Dear Readers,

I took a minute-by-minute account of my sojourn to New York with Bryce A, John B, and John C. Funny, if you line up their initials you might say they are the “A.B.C.” or the “B.J’s”, one being a great MoTown classic, another being a lovely family restaurant with delicious vanilla milkshakes…my friends, embodying the two extremes of the racial spectrum. But I digress.

Day 1 and most of Day 2 of the New York trip are posted on the Elite 8 blog, for those of you who didn’t get a chance to read that I will post it here for your convenience and/or review:

Day 1 – Friday, April 25.
13:10 Bryce and Josh throw neighbors’ penguin Christmas decoration into tree.
13:12 Bryce and Josh throw eggs (6) at aforementioned penguin.
14:15 We load our stuff into Bryce’s cousins’ car. Bryce and John packed large luggage and are forced to share one seatbelt while Bryce’s excessively large bag takes up two and one-third of the backseats. Josh sits in front with one of my two carry-on sized pieces while John and Bryce cuddle in their one seat.
16:29 Check in at airport. John pays $80 for overweight luggage. Bryce refuses to pay $80 and moves toiletries to his carry-on backpack. Josh’s two carry-on sized pieces make it through without problem.
16:32 Bryce caught trying to smuggle toiletries containing more than 3 oz. of liquid onto plane. Bryce forced to surrender toiletries to security. Josh tells security lady that it is Bryce’s first time leaving his small community and it is his first flight. She thinks it cute and allows me to take a picture of Bryce getting his toiletries confiscated.
17:21 Josh wins overwhelmingly over other passengers at in-flight trivia game. Raises fist in air to taunt other contestants.Mavs win basketball game.John laughs.Bryce buys “The Golden Compass” with credit card for in-flight movie.Bryce falls asleep watching Golden Compass.John starts word puzzle.John decides word puzzle is impossible.John gives word puzzle to Josh.Josh solves word puzzle in 30 seconds.John orders cranberry juice to clean kidneys.Josh orders tomato juice.Bryce orders Sprite and a pocketful of mumbles (such are promises).Gay man-steward calls Bryce “Sweetie” because he didn’t know how to put his chair up for landing.Gay man-steward helps Bryce with his chair.Bryce gives back the pocketful of mumbles.

Day 2 – 04/26 – Saturday
01:00 Arrive at Crespo home – John Brunt kills Josh at ping pong.
01:12 Group meets John C’s dog, Tonti. (Authors Note: When we heard that John was really excited about seeing his dog. We (or at least I) thought that it would be some mean giant German shepherd or something like that. It turned out to be this plump, little weiner Dachsund that was just sort of pathetic and didn’t do anything. For the rest of trip I would call the dog “Hey Tonti, I-Can’t-Believe-You’re-John’s-Dog”)
01:32 John Brunt and Josh sleep in the same bed. John didn’t realize what was happening until the next morning.11:00 Everyone has to use one travel-size tube of toothpaste. Because Bryce gave his toothpaste away to the airport people.
11:32 Josh didn’t know there was shampoo and used bodywash in lieu of shampoo.
12:30 – Sister Crespo tells us the story of how Stefen Zackery Oates called a girl and asked her out on her first date. After she accepted, Zack yelled, “April Fools” at which point the girl realized that she had been on speaker and heard the entire Priest’s Quorum of Zack’s ward. Apparently the invitation was feigned as an April Fools’ Day “prank”. The girl in question could hardly stand to show her face in Church for a year. We also found out that Zack tried asking out a 14-year-old.
14:15 Ferry to Ellis Island. We read maps looking for restaurants. We found a gay lounge. (I am not making this up) The location: Hell (see”New York City Day by Day” pg. 26).
15:00 Arrive at Ellis Island. We check out one audio tour so we don’t all have to pay. We take turns rotating as narrator to entire group. Ellis Island is famous of course for being the location where millions of people saw Will Smith make Eva Mendes cry in the movie “Hitch.”While on Ellis Island we found out the origins of certain words like podunk (Algonquin), schnook, banjo, bum, nix, bud, schlep, ouch, schlock, futz, savvy, schlepper, tote (Totes!), boondock, phooey, poppycock, bozo, hunky-dory, kibitz, schnozz, shtik, schmo,
15:25 – Ellis Island is the tower of Babel. Nobody speaks English.
15:40 we learn that an x inscribed in a circle means that someone is definitely mentally ill. X is suspected mentally ill. S is senility. We felt like writing X’s and S’s on people’s clothes with chalk. Just like they used to in the olden day.
16:35 We arrive on Manhattan Island at Battery Park taking the same ferry they used in “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.” Took our picture with the Statue of Liberty in background. John Brunt poses fitting an entire garbage barge in his mouth.
16:36 The first thing we do in New York? John C gets his picture next to a man dressed like Spiderman (Bryce thinks he is the real Spiderman. “That’s his voice,” Bryce says). Bryce takes picture with man who is dressed as Statue of Liberty. Statue of Liberty makes Bryce wear his Hepatitis-laden statue paraphernalia, makes Bryce pay him $1 for getting his picture with him. Bryce doesn’t know how to just say no and walk away.
16:40 We spend 5 minutes trying to make the chiming steps play the notes to “N-B-C”17:00 Arrive at Ground Zero. As we take a moment to reverently contemplate the bravery of those involved in the incident at that historical place, a short Asian man is clotheslined by a Parking sign.
17:05 Street protestors hand Josh a leaflet talking about the 9/11 conspiracy, setting a precedent for the rest of the trip. Josh would accept and keep anything that anybody handed him on the street for the rest of the trip.
17:20 St. Paul’s Church. Saw George Washington’s pew.
17:30 got bored of St. Paul’s Church.

That’s where we left off. I now present to you Part II.

17:42 John B advises me to never pay more than $20 for cologne on the street
17:45 We see cologne vendors on the street on the way to Chinatown.
17:50 I ask ethnic cologne street vendor about Acqua Di Gio. I asked how much. He said $45. I said I’ll get some on the way back. He asked how much would I be willing to pay to buy it now. I said $20 (Thanks Lowell). He said $25. I said for $25 I would wait. He said $20. I bought my Acqua Di Gio, and I was happy.
18:00 Josh buys tickets to Wicked over the phone. As of this writing, John B still owes him $135 for the ticket.
18:20 John B spoke Chinese in a restaurant called “Excellent Dumpling.” He ordered the Pou, the Shelon Pou.
18:27 Bryce took the lid off the soy sauce and poured way too much soy sauce on his pou. He absolutely soy-led his pou.
18:55 – Enter Subway
18:58:07 – I swipe my Metro card, no response
18:58:12 – I flip my Metro card and swipe again, no response
18:58:27 – I don’t know what to do.
19:00 – John B has string hanging off his pant leg of his jeans. He has Bryce stand on it as he throws his leg back in order to remove the offending string.
19:02 – We are still laughing at John for ripping his pants in public, in a New York subway station no less, and I still can’t get my card to work.
19:03 Bryce says (referring to John and his recently ripped pants) “He now looks like a homeless man.”
19:10 – Crazy homeless man asks if I am some guy’s son. I say no. I pause. I wait a minute. Then I ask him, “are you?” He says no. Oh. So I guess we aren’t brothers (Which was not true. He was a brother… Totes).
19:30 – Times Square Toys ‘R Us. Hank Aaron autographed baseball: $420. Michael Jordan autographed basketball: $1700. Darth Vader replica helmet: $999.99.
19:59 – Times Square Foot Locker. John B showed us Kobe Bryant’s shoes.
20:15 – Nice young man gave offered to sell me tickets to the best comedy club in New York for only $5.
20:20 – Hershey store. Found the largest Hershey Bar ever: 5 pound Times Square edition.
21:00 Break at Bread Factory for Cheesecake. Bryce buys a black and white cookie like the one on Seinfeld.
21:05 Buy tickets for 21:11 train.
21:22 We realize we missed the 21:11 train.
21:46 We walk past Madison Square Garden.
21:47 Scalper swore at us for not talking to him. He was not nearly so nice as the nice young man who offered me tickets to the best comedy club in New York.
21:48 New York girl looked at me. I said howdy. She said hi. I walked away.
21:49 Followed a cop for a while (we heard on his radio that a woman kicked a guy)
21:53 We spotted a bearded lady dragging a trash bag. I am still focused on following the cop.
21:59 I sit down next to and talk to the woman who kicked the guy after the cop finished talking to her. I have a nice conversation with the nice lady. She too was a brother.
22:12 Got on train after running after it.
23:37 After getting off train, John B hits head on a Do Not Enter sign.

Day 2 statistics:
Pictures:
Josh’s Camera – 20; John B’s iPhone – 9; Bryce – 49 + 2 videos.
Communications:
Calls from Lindsay E – 1; Calls from Bryce’s parents – 2; Text messages from Josh’s dad – 20.
Expenditures:
Passage on ship $54; Tour $54; Seinfeld cookie $3; Cheesecake $16; Train ticket $50; Wicked tickets $470; Picture of Bryce with creepy Statue of Liberty man $1.

Highlights of the Day:
John C – seeing Spiderman
John B – Chinatown
Josh – Cologne bargaining
Bryce – Black and White cookie

Disappointments of the Day:
John B – No women
Bryce – Running and missing train
John C – Ripping pants
Josh – Having to carry everyone’s water in backpack.

DAY 3 – April 27 – Sunday
00:10 Arrive at Lowell’s house
11:27 Girl (possible soulmate?) sits by Josh in Church. Name: Andrea.
13:29 Bryce admits dreamy-eyed pre-missionary “Got to him.”
15:03 Bryce put his shirt on backwards
15:04 Supper
15:28 Guys watch Josh commit suicide multiple times on Super Smash Bros.
17:19 Lowell’s mom takes out for a nature adventure, or as we call it: Vision Quest.
17:28 Arrive at waterfall for Vision Quest.
17:37 Josh fell in river.
17:45 Josh knocked over a tree to get out of his promise to not return home until he had kissed a girl. Mrs. Crespo not impressed.
17:53 Laughed at sign about American Beech latin name (Fagus grandifolia). Mrs. Crespo not impressed.
21:08 Bryce broke chair during snacktime. Force to take nap nap time early.

Day 4 – 4/28 – Monday – Rainy all day. Very rainy.
01:07 – Set alarm clock for 06:00
06:00 – Bryce woken up by alarm. Goes back to bed
06:30 – Sister Crespo tells us to get up.
08:17 – Bryce says, “If you don’t believe me, you can fight me.”
10:24 – Rupert’s Deli with Rupert from the Letterman show. We all get our picture with Rupert. Bryce buys a meal so Rupert doesn’t think he was using him.
10:26 – We receive a call saying that we have been invited to sit in on the recording of the Letterman show. We were on Karen’s Gold list and we were to return between 2 or 3 pm.
10:29 What does “Gllder mig…tak” mean?
10:55 Museum of Natural History. What does “suggested admission” mean?
10:57 Oh, suggested admission means you pay and you can’t get out of it.
11:11 We find out our weight on Mars: JB 81; JG 78; JC 75; BA 5.
11:16 Stopped staring at the water dripping from the ceiling 4 stories above us into garbage can. Bryce caught one in mouth.
11:17 Bryce regrets catching one in mouth.
11:18-12:11 – Whales, Squids, Dinosaurs. People who look like whales, squids, dinosaurs.
12:13 In line to get into special Butterfly exhibit.
12:33 Enter the Butterfly Vivarium. Butterflies fly all around and surround us. Josh slapped his arm, caused everyone in the room to gasp and look at him. A classroom of little girls nearly fainted.
16:15 – Letterman guy tells us to make sure we laugh a lot during the show.
16:40 – Letterman guy tells us to shutup.
16:50 – Gwyneth Paltrow enters show. We steal Letterman’s umbrellas to teach him for telling us to shut up.
17:50 – Museum of Modern Art gift shop
NBA Store
Disney store
St. Patrick’s Cathedral
Rockefeller Center (we look at the flags from our missions)
Nintendo store
Nike store
Apple store
20:45 Bryce & John fight with Letterman’s umbrellas.
20:46 Bryce laments breaking Letterman’s umbrella.
20:50 Carnegie Deli – didn’t know what to do with pickles. Josh’s dad recommends via text that we all share one sandwich. Josh gets his own Woody Allen sandwich.
21:00 Josh wishes he listend to Dad.
21:11 Josh gives up, his plate is still covered with corned beef and pastrami. John C finishes his sandwich. He says he made it his “what what.”
21:22 – Get our picture next to the big pickle, order a Carnegie Deli cheesecake to go: $17.
22:00 Arrive at hotel looking over Times Square. Everyone soaked from being out in the rain all day.
22:39 – Ate Carnegie Deli cheesecake… amazing.

Statistics:
Spendings: Train $54; Carnegie Deli $114; Museum $54; Cat Stevens music book (I forgot to mention we went to a music store before Carnegie Deli) $32; Pizza $47 (I forgot to mention we had New York pizza, Bryce couldn’t finish his). Hotel $256; Rupert’s Deli $12.50.
Texts from Josh’s dad: 26

Tuesday – April 29
06:00 Wake up early to go see Today Show
08:30 Decide we aren’t going to see the Today Show
08:50 John and Josh (without shoes) find out that there is no free breakfast.
13:37 Metropolitan Museum of Art
14:36 Saw the place in Central Park where MacCauley Culkin set off the fireworks in Home Alone 2.
14:37 Saw the fountain from the movie “Enchanted.”
14:38 Guy kicked us off the fountain cause Natalie Portman was supposedly directing a film down there.
14:45 – New York Temple, Lincoln Square, Giulliard School of Music
14:50 – Slept on Subway despite Petula Clark’s advice (if you don’t get that joke, you never will)
15:50 – Little Italy – Gelato. Josh got chocolate pistachio
16:00 Bryce’s Strachiatta falls off, John B caught it.
16:01 Bryce irate over fallen Strachiatta, pouts, sits in water, doesn’t care.
16:12 Back in Chinatown, John B shows us street market duck, squid, eel, and poo poo fruit.
16:20 Underground Chinese Massage parlor. Sign says “No sexual.” We didn’t go in.
16:40 Bryce gets bag stuck to his foot. Still no sexual.
16:54 John denied admittance to Subway (look at these precious coins).
17:28 Bullet elevator to “The View” restaurant.
19:00 “Wicked” at the Gershwin theater.
20:30 Intermission. Bryce thought it was over already.
22:05 We run all the way to Penn Station.
22:15 We made the train
22:43 Mav’s fall, Lowell’s heart breaks. No sexual.
23:15 Josh finishes Dante’s “Inferno.”
23:45 Josh discovers that his Acqua Di Gio and the Tommy Hilfiger he later bought are both fake and smell like gasoline.

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  1. dang you mixed up a lot of me and John B..ouch…my chance at fame and glory

  2. did you chronicle the rest? if so…do it…do it

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