joshguessed

176th Ask Josh – Pt. 2 – If Not For Utah

In Uncategorized on September 2, 2011 at 10:58 am

Brooke asked as a followup to the last post:

“What do you dislike about Utah [if anything]?”

………….

Dear Brooke,

I just told you all about what I like in Utah. It’s not easy to find negative things when I just spent all my time seeking the good in Utah. You know what is much easier: talking about what I dislike about U2. Since I don’t follow U2, here are some funny things people have said about why they don’t like U2:

  • Pretentious
  • Bloated music
  • Overbearing
  • Derivative
  • Their fans
  • This funny post where Maddox lists the 11 worst songs of 2004 and they are all from U2′s latest album at that time.
Oh my goodness, I am so bored hating on U2. I can’t waste any more time on it. Back to your question after this little vid (maybe jump to 1:25 to get to the fun part):


As for things I dislike about Utah, I am going to crowdsource that one, too:

  • Snow – Troy S.
  • Mormons – Also Troy
  • Logan – Brian N.
  • Logan drivers – Tyler M.
  • Wintertime inversion – Tyler again
  • “Don’t quote me on the Mormons.” – Troy again
  • “That’s a very general question.” – Erin W.
  • “Going back home costs me $2500.” – Vandita R.
  • “Everyone wears shorts to class.” – Vandita again
  • “I have no idea.” – Reece I.
  • “When there is a thunderstorm, everybody freaks out.” – Ryan S.
  • “Everyone likes to talk about how Utah has the highest per capita use of anti-depressants.” – Me, I don’t like that. Get over it, people. It does not mean that Mormons have a tendency to be depressed.
  • “The drivers”
  • “All the Mormons” – Ryan X.
  • “There is nothing to do if you aren’t with a date or FHE group.” – Rebecca K.
  • “Lack of diversity… of people, ideas, everything.” – Shaun B.
  • “Supposedly Christlike people won’t let you merge.” – Christopher X.
  • “The fact that plastic surgery is a growth industry here. Where are all these burn victims coming from? If it’s not burn victims, then think of the sheer number of Utahns getting a downgrade in the resurrection.” – Clay J.
  • “The stinky Salt Lake” – Clay again
  • “The stinky Utah Lake” – Clay yet again
  • “Male music majors” – still Clay
  • “Artsy engagement photos where the couple stands up straight, looks at the camera straight on, arms hanging at their sides, no contact at all. They look like they’re posing for a body scan at airport security. Ironically, these people are often the most outspoken critics of Utah.” – Clay… come on, man.





















  • “High School Musical fans who consider East High as their Mecca.” – Clay really has a lot to say on the subject
  • “Utah State fans” – Yep, Clay
  • “I can’t find any place to eat in Salt Lake other than Red Rock and Olive Garden.” – Clay has issues finding places to eat in Salt Lake
  • “Summer salesmen.” – Clay also can’t sell
  • “Multi-level marketing.” – Clay still sore about putting money upfront to join an MLM and then making no money off of it.
  • “Miracle juice that costs $200 a bottle.” – Haters gonna hate
  • “People who live in Utah but can’t stop griping about how much they hate living in Utah.” – Me. Also Clay. I’m Clay.
  • “The Spice Girls did a music video here.” – Clay is right.


When I Google “Why is Utah…” the results come back like this:

  • Why is Utah the beehive state
  • Why is Utah so weird
  • Why is Utah called the beehive state
  • Why is Utah the most depressed state (Me: “Grrrrrr”)
  • Why is Utah the most stressed state
When I Google “Utah is” I get these results:
  • Utah islamic center
  • Utah issues
  • [insert various nonsense here]
When I add a space after “Utah is”, I get:
  • Utah is boring
  • Utah is famous for
  • Utah is the worst state
  • Utah is in what time zone
  • Utah is crazy
There you have it. Some things that are not liked in Utah.


Readers, since I’m feeling generous today, and because I don’t want to end the blog on such a negative topic, I will tack this onto the last wish. So you still have one wish remaining. What is the best thing to wish for?


Love,


Josh












176th Ask Josh – Do You Like Utah

In Uncategorized on September 1, 2011 at 11:13 pm

Brooke asked:

Do you like Utah?
….
Dear Brooke,
Yes. I like Utah.
Some things I like about Utah:
  • BYU football
  • J Dawgs
  • All my homies in the JRCLS
  • T-shirts that carry the likeness of Norm Nemrow and Cecil O. Samuelson
  • Student entrepreneurship projects like Sno-Shack and Flirty Aprons
  • Infinity frozen dessert shops
  • Deseret Industries
  • Bryce Canyon
  • Wasatch Mountains
  • B-Money
  • Temple Square
  • Jimmermania
  • Harold B. Lee Library
  • Thai restaurants on every corner
  • Two-hour long lines at Olive Garden on Friday nights
  • Sam Weller Bookstore
On an unrelated note, Mission: Impossible 2 is so ridiculous, I felt like I was watching Knight & Day.
The more I think about M:I 2, the less I am able to think. This is really just filled with utter tripe. Which is too bad because I really liked the first and third movies. I am just now getting around to watching #2 and it is something awful. Susan and I are waiting for Tom Cruise to jump his motorcycle into a helicopter. He just made a car roll over three times by whipping his arm around 270 degrees and shooting it with a pistol. The bad guys pursuing him are swerving all over the road for no good reason. Now he just killed a car full of bad guys by making a cloud of smoke with his spinning motorcycle wheel.
Okay, more things I like about Utah:
  • Dollar movie theaters
  • Frisbee golf courses
Hold on, Tom Cruise is sliding his bike under a car. He almost cut a guy’s head off with his motorcycle tire. Instead he through his flaming motorcycle away before jumping into his enemy’s arms in a mid-air high-speed chest bump, subsequently causing him to fall off a cliff, where they wrestled in the sand for a bit. He just stopped a knife from entering his eyeball.
  • The Jazz
  • The Saltair
  • Eight-lane freeways on their way
  • Sundance Film Festival
  • “The Greatest Snow on Earth”
Nuts, the DVD is skipping. Tom Cruise now has the knife. he threw it in the sand and killed the knife-wielding bad guy with his ankle. I am not making this up. I wish I was. He really looks like a girl with his long hair. Both he and his foe have delivered at least 10 death blows to each other. He finally died.
  • Rachael Ray’s vacation spot
  • Robert Redford
  • The fact that Dumb & Dumber was filmed here.
  • The fact that Footloose was filmed here, too.
  • Antimony, population 122
The bad guy is still not dead! And now he’s got a gun! And he’s telling Tom Cruise that he should have killed him. Tom Cruise just kicked a pistol out of the sand and fired and killed the bad guy as the bad guy was shooting Tom Cruise.
  • Adobe, EBay, Omniture… We’re turning into the next Silicon Valley
  • Park City
  • Olympic Village
Susan just pointed out to me that no virus syrup is ever red, and no antidote is ever green. Yet this is precisely the source of all Tom Cruise’s ado.
  • America’s #2 Best Burger City
  • Crown Burger
  • The Saturday evening rush at Wal-Mart
  • Jewelry stores that sell to college students and still remain in business.
  • Clark Planetarium
Tom Cruise just told Anthony Hopkins that he wiped out all the virus “by fire.” It’s time to end this. Tom Cruise is kissing Thandie Newton. Doesn’t he know that she has some crazy communicable disease?
In conclusion: I like Utah. I do not like M:I 2.
Love,
Josh
p.s. Readers, that’s two wishes you have used up. Choose your last wish wisely.

175th Ask Josh – Ridiculous Chinchilla Stupidity

In Uncategorized on September 1, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Dear Readers,

None of you have made any last requests before I shut down this blog. So I’m going to revisit some old questions I neglected to answer.
Jeff Anderson asked:
“I have a question for you- how many chinchillas fit into a bathtub??”
………….


Dear Jeff,


This is a ridiculous question. One that I don’t have time to look up. Lucky for you. My intern, Lauren Hunt, has graciously done some of the heavy lifting on this bologna question of yours. Lauren tells me that one chinchilla fits in a wine glass.




A wine glass is about 0.2 liters in volume. Since little tiny toy bathtubs may be smaller than 0.2 liters then we can say that a bathtub may potentially fit zero chinchillas in it.


The world’s largest bathtub, on the other hand may fit many chinchillas. According to YouTube, the world’s largest bathtub is 25′ x 12′ x 72′. That comes to 21,600 cubic feet. You may argue that it’s really just a pool and that the guy who made it called it a tub because he was a pervball who wanted all who entered the pool to do so in a naked bathtub-like fashion. In any case, 21,600 cubic feet is the equivalent of 28.3168466 liters. Meaning that the nasty perv pool/bathtub holds 611,643.887 liters, or 3,058,219 chinchillas. Which is approximately 3060 times the population of chinchillas remaining in the world.


There, you see? You just wasted your first wish. I will grant two more wishes and then the blog is done. Choose your wishes wisely.


Love,


Ask Josh


p.s. Here is the video of the world’s largest bathtub. Cheers.




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